Alcoholic Parent

Joons

Sommer43 wrote: »

Absolutey nothing. You cannot do anything. Trust me, I am one.

But you can refuse to engage with them if they are drunk. I lost friends, my children, my husband, my home. But, I had a common sense attack when I woke up in a police cell over two years ago. I have not touched a drop since then and it has been hell. My problems didn't start until I put the drink down.

Am sure you've tried to talk to your parent, am sure you've told them what to do, where to go for help, and to stop drinking.

Alcoholics are cunning, devious and lie, lie and then lie some more rather than face up to their fears. It is an act of terrorism for me, instilling terror in those they love. That's what terrorism is. Plain and simple. I don't subscribe to the "I am addicted and it is a disease" I subscribe to "Put the sh1te down and sort out your life and gain the trust back of those around you who love you and care" If I pick up one drink, I get drunk. One is too many and a thousand is never enough.

Until your parent has been lost enough, lonely enough, angry enough and hungry enough, until they have had enough, they will not get the support. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. HALT.

Nobody could make me put it down. I had to do it myself. My father at my request locked me in my childhood bedroom after seeing a doctor for help with withdrawal as alcohol withdrawal can kill you. And he spoon fed me soup while I begged him for a drink. I will never forget the tears in his eyes feeding his 41 year old daughter who he loved dearly and watching her scratch her own skin till it bled. I'll never forget the face of my 9 year old daughter finding me face down in the gutter in my own vomit. Those are the terrors I still to this struggle with. I set a bomb in my family and they have had to pick the pieces up and now two years later, married again and with a great husband, I have built a life without drink and am much happier than I ever was.

You can only tell the parent your pain, shake them, tell them to stop and leave. Then let the parent carry on or stop. When they stop, then you will have a job on your hands, to help them through it. Until then, there is nothing you can do.

Best of luck.

That was so compelling, you are one amazing survivor!

j-josie

My best friend was an alcoholic...who drunk herself to death by the time she was 36. She left behind 2 children who she adored..but she didn't have the strength to not drink for them.
My DH & I had them for 6 months when she went to rehab. She was drinking again within a fortnight of coming home. Sometimes I'd pop in to see her before I went to work..and she'd be so drunk I would have to take the day off work as I could not leave her in charge of the children. One morning the social worker rang when I was visiting. My friend was incapable of holding a conversation so the social worker said if I didn't stay she would come to take the children away.
Much as I loved her I had to realise that all my 'help' did was enable her to be a drunk. And she would lie, lie, lie soo convincingly to us all. I took her, me and our 4 children ( her 2 & my 2) on a holiday post rehab to help make a fresh start. she saidshe was too weak to do anything in the afternoon so could I take all 4 out each afternoon? which I did...and later discovered she would race down to the shop to get and consume a bottle of vodka before we came back again! It was the saddest moment realising ( and accepting) that she was going to drink herself to death- which she did, desperate for it til the bitter end, even asking for alcohol to be sneaked into the hospice.
So well done Sommer on having the strength to change things. I applaud you.

Own_My_Own

I know I should read this thread from the beginning but I can't bring myself to do it.
My mother is an alcoholic and she knows she is. But nothing is her fault and she really thinks we had a wonderful upbringing.

I try not to speak to her any more. She only rings here when she is drunk, so I just cut her off a curt comment and put the phone down.
She phoned on Christmas day and called me all the names she could think off.

As sad as it may seem, I think my life will only begin properly after she has died. I am always lying when people ask how she is, and I am tired of living a lie. It will be nice when it all stops.

I am 40 this year, and made the decision this year that when it happens I will not attend the funeral. I have no reason to go.

Sorry if anyone finds this upsetting. I may try to read the thread later, but I don't think I can right now. It will either upset me or just make me mad.:(

chazsucks

Girlzmum wrote: »

If someone is in complete denial about the effect their drinking (or any addiction) is having their lives and the lives of everyone around them then you cannot force them to see it. As Sparrer has said, get yourself some support - it is so hard to have to live with watching someone you love destroy themselves. They will hit rock bottom and hopefully it will spur them on to seek help but unfortunately its not something that can be pushed.

Completely agree. My mum has been an alcoholic since I was about 8, she's also had problems with eating disorders and prescription painkillers.

She set fire to her flat whilst she was in it by dropping a cigarette on the floor, she's recently broken her hips, she's now incontinent..... but she just doesn't see it. I can't understand how someone could still be in denial but she is. I think alcohol is an awful addiction.

You need to focus on yourself and your family, unfortunately you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Hopefully your parent will get to the point where they come out of denial and realise they need help and need their family and do something about it but until then you need to focus on you xx

aileth

Well my sister gave her the full facts no holds barred last night apparently (of course I wasn't there to witness it). She promised to stop drinking, which I thought would be some sort of acceptance that the drinking is extortionate, or it might just have been to stop my sister from talking to her about it. Unfortunately, I don't think it'll be that easy after all we've seen, but we have to hope and support her.

geoffky

Beware of believing that AA are the key to alcoholic problems because a great amount of people have problems after going to AA and never return because of the way the programme is run and they been labeled a cult by so many people..Explore other avenues if AA is not for them..

Here is a good website to have a look around.
http://www.mywayout.org/community/

Clutterfree

Sadly you cannot help them until they ask for help and many won't ask for help as they don't believe it is a huge problem. They think they can deal with it themselves. They can't. It is hard because the alcohol is more important to them than anything else
All you can do is wait and hope...
Best of luck.

Sommer43

geoffky wrote: »

Beware of believing that AA are the key to alcoholic problems because a great amount of people have problems after going to AA and never return because of the way the programme is run and they been labeled a cult by so many people..Explore other avenues if AA is not for them..

Here is a good website to have a look around.
http://www.mywayout.org/community/

I agree with this. AA has its place, but did me a lot of damage. The 'sponsorship' issue is the one I have the hardest time with. How can someone who is anonymous, help you through a programme which could well and truly raise traumatic situations? I found out that one man who had been abused as a children chose a sponsor who himself had been charged with sexual offences with children. The man hung himself. It's dangerous stuff and for some reason, some people believe themselves to be experts in some areas. The 12 step programme was put together by a couple of drunks. For people who have psychological problems underneath drink then they need professional help, not a person who has been in AA and has been sober a long time. Dangerous stuff.

People's lives are at stake here, the anonymous side of it could mean you're sitting next to a person who has been convicted of serious offences. Not for me.

Any person who wants to come off the drink should have medical assistance and help with psychological problems should always come from a professional body. Not from a room full of drunks who are trying to get sober.

sparrer

geoffky wrote: »

Beware of believing that AA are the key to alcoholic problems because a great amount of people have problems after going to AA and never return because of the way the programme is run and they been labeled a cult by so many people..Explore other avenues if AA is not for them..

Here is a good website to have a look around.
http://www.mywayout.org/community/

I so agree with this.IMHO they don't return because they're not ready to get sober. Many people have problems after going to AA, as they do after attending a variety of other organisations, doctors, clinics etc. No one method works for all otherwise everything but that would cease to exist.

Cults take away your money, your home, your family, your ability to think for yourself. I lost my home, my job, my family, friends, self respect, any decency I might have had. With respect, if AA is a cult it's the only one I know of that gives all those things, and more, back to the alcoholic. The only thing that remains lost to me is several years of memory as alcohol can destroy brain cells and they can't regenerate themselves.

At the meetings I attend (I do still go to meetings regularly), I'm among other sober people and most of the meetings include a lot of laughter, something none of us did when we were drinking. It's a far better social life than being a barfly.

I would never criticise anyone for trying any method of getting sober, whatever works for them can only be a good thing. My personal choice was AA, with their help I'll be 8 years sober this Sunday. I'll be celebrating my anniversary in the company of other recovering alkies who have got sober in different ways, as long as their method of recovery works for them who am I to criticise it?

Most importantly for this thread is the OP getting support for herself, and her family if they want/need it, there are various organisations out there for her which can answer her questions. I hope she and her family soon get the peace of mind they deserve.

fluffnutter

geoffky wrote: »

Beware of believing that AA are the key to alcoholic problems because a great amount of people have problems after going to AA and never return because of the way the programme is run and they been labeled a cult by so many people..Explore other avenues if AA is not for them..

Here is a good website to have a look around.
http://www.mywayout.org/community/

For me, the problem with AA is its insistence that alcoholism is a disease and that you must give yourself over to a higher power to cure that disease.

Alcoholism is a choice, not an illness. Yes, there are those that have genetic propensities towards it but I still believe it's something that an individual has choice over. Not easy choices, of course, but a choice nonetheless. People must be helped to control their lives, not hand that control over to something else.