Go it alone or am I being stupid?

Gingernutty

Leave. He's emotionally blackmailing you. This is a form of abuse too.

He loves the weed more than he loves you or the kiddies and has spent £22k on his habit rather than help you with debts.

He doesn't love you and has demonstrated that over and over again.

That is the bottom line.

Person_one

Want-To-Fit-In wrote: »

See I think this too, he always says he will make it known it was my choice to leave etc. I don't want my children to resent me for the fact I made the decision to leave there dad.

No no no no no no!

This is just another way in which he is trying to control you. Turn it around, tell them the truth. Tell them that it was hard but you found the strength to do the right thing for them and remove them from a situation that was bad for all of you and that you did what you had to do to give them a better life.

All that weed smoke will be causing them serious physical harm, on top of all the emotional damage they're most likely suffering in this situation.

Please please look at the Women's Aid site. You posts are so sad, what kind of man could take a 14 year old with her whole life ahead of her and put her in this situation by the time she's 21? Just awful.

How old was he when he started grooming you?

marisco_2

Want-To-Fit-In wrote: »

See I think this too, he always says he will make it known it was my choice to leave etc. I don't want my children to resent me for the fact I made the decision to leave there dad.

That is a form of blackmail. He is expecting you to put up with the status quo, raise your children in a way you dont feel happy with, be isolated and running up huge debt all the while being reliant on him. Yet if you have the audacity to want better for yourself and your children he will make it known it was your choice to leave.

The truth of the matter is that living with him is leaving you with no choice but to want to leave, for yours and your childrens sake. I have no doubt that you will be the stable, safe and guiding influence in your childrens lives. They are to young to understand the situation now. Children are not stupid though and in time they will see things for what they are. If they are raised right they will not think it is your fault.

Better to leave and give them a chance of a happy, full childhood than have them resent you for staying with a man who puts cannabis first.

Want-To-Fit-In

Person_one wrote: »

No no no no no no!

This is just another way in which he is trying to control you. Turn it around, tell them the truth. Tell them that it was hard but you found the strength to do the right thing for them and remove them from a situation that was bad for all of you and that you did what you had to do to give them a better life.

All that weed smoke will be causing them serious physical harm, on top of all the emotional damage they're most likely suffering in this situation.

Please please look at the Women's Aid site. You posts are so sad, what kind of man could take a 14 year old with her whole life ahead of her and put her in this situation by the time she's 21? Just awful.

How old was he when he started grooming you?

I'm going to take a look at the woman's aid etc when hes out later thank you.

Hes nearly 30.

Person_one

Want-To-Fit-In wrote: »

I'm going to take a look at the woman's aid etc when hes out later thank you.

I'm really glad to hear that, and wish you the best of luck in starting a new life.

Remember, just because he isn't hitting you it doesn't mean you aren't a victim of abuse. Someone much older than you started to take advantage of you when you were just a child and has continued to do so ever since. Making you take on the debts in your sole name is financial abuse, the attempts to control and threaten you are emotional abuse.

Look through that website thoroughly, there's lots of help and support there. Don't forget to delete it from your browsing history afterwards though, for your own sake.

bylromarha

Want-To-Fit-In wrote: »

See I think this too, he always says he will make it known it was my choice to leave etc. I don't want my children to resent me for the fact I made the decision to leave there dad.

Edit: The stigma of being a single mum doesn't really worry me, but the kids thinking it was my fault etc does. x

My sister left her abusive husband many years ago. Through her early years, my niece believed her dad's throwaway comments that mum left dad.
In niece's teenage years, she started to think for herself and realised WHY her mum had left her dad.
Now niece is 18, she absolutely knows her mum did her best by leaving her dad.

Get out now hon - the future will be better without him. You ARE worth something, you CAN do it and I wish you all the best away from him. Your kids are too precious to be living with him anymore.

I repeat the advice to get in touch with Womens Aid, they'll point you in the right direction.

All the best.

notanewuser

Person_one wrote: »

She was 14, he was in his twenties. Its pretty clear cut that he acted illegally and unethically.

If I came across this family in a professional capacity I would definitely be in touch with safeguarding.

At 13 I was passing myself off as 16.

The boys I snogged/dated at that age (between 16 and 20) had bo idea I was 13. So were any of them pedophiles?

Person_one

notanewuser wrote: »

At 13 I was passing myself off as 16.

The boys I snogged/dated at that age (between 16 and 20) had bo idea I was 13. So were any of them pedophiles?

She left home and moved in with him, cutting off contact with her parents for him. Hardly comparable.

(I do think a 20 year old dating a suspiciously young looking '16' year old is concerning though, yes.)

notanewuser

Person_one wrote: »

She left home and moved in with him, cutting off contact with her parents for him. Hardly comparable.

(I do think a 20 year old dating a suspiciously young looking 13 year old is concerning though, yes.)

That's the point. I didn't look 13. I had 34DD boobs. I wore make up.

I agree that living together and cutting contact on her side was wrong though.

PetuliaGristle

Couldn't read and run, you're being strong and thinking ahead for both you and your children.

Remember to clear cookies and internet history, then your partner won't know what sites you've visited, although it's worth bearing in mind that there is no way to completely cover your movements online (quoting from Women's Aid website). Bear in mind that, for instance, if your partner uses online banking and has a saved password, then if you clear the cookies on your PC, your partner will realise you've done so, because their password will no longer be saved. Also, your partner may notice if the address history on the PC has been cleared, and this may raise suspicion. More information on covering your movements online here (Women's Aid website).

HTH and good luck.