Parents - what would you do?!

Worriedstepmum

McClane54 wrote: »

you guys need to move away and forget about him, let him sort his own mess out, one day he might wake up

or just stick a pillow over his face one night, be better for everyone , waste of oxygen

We have moved to a different county and although he knows what county we now live in, he doesn't know the address.

After already losing one child (through illness at 4 years old, not through drugs), my OH is not in any hurry to lose another, although we accept that his lifestyle choices at the moment could well lead to a phone call from the police saying they've found his body somewhere.

Worriedstepmum

pigpen wrote: »

As a parent I would wash my hands of it all.. You have spent years and probably thousands of pounds to help him and he has thrown it all in your face by stealing from you and going down the same paths he has already trodden.

Of course his dad will always love him but he is a 30 year old man and the responsibility is his.

I'd say sorry but this time I cannot help. Whatever the consequences they are entirely of his own making. There is a lot of help for those who genuinely want to change but he has to want to change and it doesn't sound like he does.

At 30 your actions are all your own responsibility as are the consequences. There is no way I would expect my parents to dig me out of a crappy place I had got myself into.. to help me if I asked for help is not the same, I would help anyone who genuinely wanted it.

I have a cousin who has spent most of the last 20 years in prison due to his problems and another who has schitzophrenia caused by a drug addiction.. it is very very hard but sometimes you have to save yourself.

Although he is nearly 30, if you met him you would think he was about 17 from the way he talks/dresses/acts. He is very immature and I do think the drugs have affected his mental abilities (I don't mean it nastily but he is quite mentally !!!!!! I think). Also, his father has very recently been diagnosed with Asperger's and I wonder if there is some element of that in my stepson too. Certainly there are major anger management issues, lack of empathy and social awareness. It is definitely something else we want him to speak to his GP about.

We have moved away and said that the only support we can now offer is talking on the phone. He doesn't know where we live.

Joons

Agree with all the posters who say at 30, he's a grown man, he's had the chance to sort out his life, he's chosen not to, maybe one day he will, maybe not. And remember, you can support your husband as much as you want to but this child is not yours, don't let it take over your thoughts too much (easier said than done I know). It's amazing you have stuck with your husband all these years having to put up with his son treating you so badly etc, he's a lucky man to have a lady like you standing by his side.

nuttywoman

Its very very hard to wash your hands of your children , until your in that situation you don`t know how you would react, but i think to save your sanity you have to step back and realise that you have to get on with your own lives the best you can .x
ps: i think we should have our own board for this topic because it affects so many people lol

notakid

Worriedstepmum wrote: »

Although he is nearly 30, if you met him you would think he was about 17 from the way he talks/dresses/acts. He is very immature and I do think the drugs have affected his mental abilities (I don't mean it nastily but he is quite mentally !!!!!! I think). Also, his father has very recently been diagnosed with Asperger's and I wonder if there is some element of that in my stepson too. Certainly there are major anger management issues, lack of empathy and social awareness. It is definitely something else we want him to speak to his GP about.

We have moved away and said that the only support we can now offer is talking on the phone. He doesn't know where we live.

From what I've read (not known) that is common in drug addicts who start at an early age they are stuck at the developmental age that they become an addict.

I hate to say this, but the earlier they are an addict the more hopeless it is to recover. He has no coping skills, it is his life. He knows no different. Take away the drugs, he has nothing, no friends, no skills, no interests. He can't give up. He will have nothing to live for. Unless he finds God or something to feel the gap his changes to change are slim. He is a diehard addict.

I'm so sorry for you and your husband but I don't think there is anything you can do.

I hope he surprises you and proves me to be talking nonsense! But if he was my son I think I would feel the real boy had died along time ago.

claire1234

http://cri.org.uk/

wonder if you have a cri near you, it has been highly reccomended and is suppose to be good,
its free and your step-son can self refer,

just drop into your local one for advise if there is one near you, perhaps you could get some leaflets for your stepson

hth

Robisere

Also, his father has very recently been diagnosed with Asperger's and I wonder if there is some element of that in my stepson too. Certainly there are major anger management issues, lack of empathy and social awareness. It is definitely something else we want him to speak to his GP about.

That is something I do know about. I was not going to contribute here, as I did not think I had anything to offer, but I can tell you that I have experience of a grandson with this condition. He is 19 now and I am the male figure he knows, as his dad left for somebody else when he was a month old. His dad has just had another broken relationship, lives miles away and divorce from his mum led to divorce from the one he left mum for. His dad I believe had a form of Asperger's. It is important to realise that Asperger's is just one form of Autism, which can take many forms including ADD and ADHD.

Does your OH have above average intelligence, but focusses on one problem to the exclusion of everything else? Does he find it hard to socialise with anyone, until he knows them? Does he read, use a computer, watch TV, listen to music, and while doing any of these, is he difficult to reach because he is solely concentrated on that?

My grandson was all of those as a child and still finds it difficult with people he does not know. Now, though, he has a great job in a small company and they really like him, he gets on well with all of them and he is on his way to being a network Engineer. His IQ has been MENSA - measured at above genius level, but at primary school he could not get on: he used to get bored at the small village school, and was teased quite a bit for being "different". A Technical College and computing was his salvation.

Please see this site: http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism.aspx

I know this does not help with your stepson, but it seems to me that you have several too many problems and i may offer help with one of them.

About your stepson, I can only say that a consultant once told me that Autism sufferers, which as I say includes Aspergers and ADD, if not diagnosed and treated early, can exhibit a range of behaviours including addictions of all kinds.

EDIT: Aspergers is genetic, coming down from the male side usually, and by far the greatest proportion of sufferers are male.
If I were you ... is one thing that we all say, but nobody can be you, dealing with your problems, can they? So I can only say that, faced with the realisation that nothing I can do or have done, has helped this young man, I would regretfully have to bar him from the home and wash my hands of him. I say that, but I have been lucky. I have a stepson and stepdaughter, although I never say "Step -" because they are mine now in all but blood and I love them. They are both in their 40's but their own dad was a waster, I brought them up. So I really do not know how I would have handled your situation. The fact that you still have such love for him, is greatly to your credit.

marisco_2

Worriedstepmum wrote: »

Over the last 8 years we have tried literally EVERYTHING to help him. Moved house to give him a fresh start in a new area, got him jobs, housed/fed/clothed him when he was out of work, etc, etc. But every time something goes wrong. He's stolen from us and stolen from pretty much everyone he knows, including girlfriends and parents of girlfriends. (His mother moved house a long time ago and he now doesn't know where she is - she couldn't take any more of his behaviour and has cut all ties.)

Do the one thing you haven't yet done. Stand back and make him stand on his own two feet. Going from the above you have tried as hard as you can to help him put his life back together time and again. Each time he has thrown that help back in your face and made the same mistakes.

His behaviour now is so out of control that an innocent baby is being affected by it. It is very worrying that neighbours are concerned for his childs welfare to the extent that they contact social services. He is a grown man who it seems will have to literally hit rock bottom before he sorts himself out. To be honest if I were you I would be far more concerned about the baby.

Ladyhawk

Would these people be of any use? http://www.nacro.org.uk/

marisco_2

guruchelles wrote: »

Please don't take offence, but are you sure this child is his? You can't conceive and learn of the conception in the same week.

That is exactly what I thought too.