Parents - what would you do?!

Worriedstepmum

I don't even know if his "choice" or that he doesn't know any other way to live to be honest. He's been on drugs since his late teens and has literally never dealt with any problems in life - just smothered them with drugs. He doesn't know how to live a normal life and solve everyday problems like we all have to.

We thought that moving house and giving him somewhere fresh to live would do it. Nobody knew him and he made lots of friends, got a job and things were great. He was going for drug treatment and testing then. Ironically that is where he made contact with the local dealers.

Within 4 weeks he persuaded someone to take him back to his old home to get his clothes, and while he was there he took drugs. We later found out that after that weekend (and using the "contacts" he'd made at the local drug testing centre) he was dealing cocaine which he kept at our flat. By this time he was using again, so he had to persuade his girlfriend at the time to give him urine samples to take for his weekly tests, so he would still pass them.

It's a world that I knew nothing about and still wish I didn't to be honest.

Worriedstepmum

Judi wrote: »

Whats the answer though? Have you ever seen an addict go cold turkey? Let alone someone you love. Prison is meant to be a punishment rather than a place to get 'clean'.

Its down to individuals taking responsible for their own actions. If its any consolation i understand your pain. My son came off heroin by going cold turkey.... but unfortunately transferred his addiction to alcohol.

Personally i dont understand the addiction. I never will.

Totally understand yes. I suppose I hoped that the treatment in prison would mean he was weaned off the prozac gradually before he left, not kept on the same dose the whole time. The weaning-off part happened when he left, and he had to go to the chemists every day for his dose. But as they started reducing it he just bought prozac off a dealer and ended up taking more than ever.

nuttywoman

It is a whole different world and like you say you wish you did`nt know about. One thing i find very hard to deal with is trusting my son again .xxx

z.n

From a couple of situations in past years two thoughts occur. First, it is up to the son whether to seek help or not. Buying drugs for him is illegal and solves nothing. Running around trying to sort out rehab etc and presenting him with an easy route 'out' won't achieve anything- he is too set in his ways. It must be left for him to choose independently which path he wants to follow. It is painful to watch but without that determination on his part there is little anyone else can do to stop constant self-sabotage. It might mean breaking contact almost entirely and that in turn might have life long ramifications- but sometimes that is what is needed to trigger a change-it might come from anger at parents but if it comes then it is still good. Secondly, if he really wants to change then it is possible and he should go along to NA as soon as possible-it seems to work really well for many people. It does however take time and huge effort. There are also hostels which will offer various support from help getting to meetings to advice on accomodation. However, again, it is solely up to him to find out about these- a local homeless charity will know what is available in his area and not being so emotionally involved may be able to offer far bettersupport than family. But there will be little support for a continuation of a drugs lifestyle. It goes without saying that at this stage it can do no good for the baby to have ongoing contact but perhaps you could keep the family contact with the baby and pass on news/ photos etc. A good source of support and information on how to cope can be Narcotics Anonymous family groups. (Info culled from family/friends-one in and out of rehab for years and still a worry, another successful on the NA/AA programme for 20+ years, one with experience of homelessness in London since rehoused by the Council after stints in hospitals and hostels and now back in work.) Good luck.

Worriedstepmum

nuttywoman wrote: »

Hi Worriedstepmum , I`ve been were you are with my son . I know its hard but any help you or any of the family etc give him your enabling him to carry on . Its very hard to stand back as i know only too well but its the only way .For one thing you have to realise that he`s an adult, and until he reaches rock bottom he won`t get anywhere and also you need to get on with your own life. If you want to pm me, feel free .
My son reached rock bottom last August after living on the streets , he came to us, went to gp , so is under their care also went to local rehab place and still attends meetings .

Thank you for that. We have realised that what we were doing before to try and help wasn't actually helping at all but just enabling him to carry on. Which is why we can't do it again, or give him any money. But at least he knows he can call us and we will talk to him.

I do know this is all down to him really, it's just so hard. I worry about him all the time. His dad has Asperger's so I also have to live with an "aspie" reaction to what his son is doing too. It's quite exhausting sometimes!

nuttywoman

Me and hubby went to a support group for the families , its a pity its not run anymore because it helped us to realise that talking to others going through the same was just what we needed. What really surprised me was that becoming any sort of addict be it alcohol or drugs can happen to anyone and i`m surprised just how many people have got problems .There`s no class divide whatsoever .
Its a massive massive problem all over the world and needs to be addressed and the more people bring it into the open and not feel shamed because its your child, the better it will be .Thats what i think anywway x

z.n

Judi wrote: »

Whats the answer though? Have you ever seen an addict go cold turkey? Let alone someone you love. Prison is meant to be a punishment rather than a place to get 'clean'.

Its down to individuals taking responsible for their own actions. If its any consolation i understand your pain. My son came off heroin by going cold turkey.... but unfortunately transferred his addiction to alcohol.

Personally i dont understand the addiction. I never will.

I wonder if it is primarily genetic with a bit of bad luck thrown in by providing a trigger of the wrong kind at the wrong time- there is a propensity to additction running through my family from food to work to smoking to snuff to drink to drugs to money -and those are just the ones I know about because of the family impacts/death/hospitalisations/rehab admissions. Many of us also seem to get every adverse reaction to a prescribed drug going. Also, I increasingly wonder if drink/drugs require an alternative addiction to replace them, ideally a more socially acceptable/healthy one such as an obsessive but respectable hobby or adherance to religion or other spiritual belief, otherwise the less healthy easy options will fill the hole that has grown. If the alternative 'addiction' is eg crystal healing or evangelism it can be hard for the family but perhaps that is when the idea of family support and acceptance should come in. IME a 'clean' person will not go back to being the person they were before becoming addicted and that can be hard too.

pigpen

As a parent I would wash my hands of it all.. You have spent years and probably thousands of pounds to help him and he has thrown it all in your face by stealing from you and going down the same paths he has already trodden.

Of course his dad will always love him but he is a 30 year old man and the responsibility is his.

I'd say sorry but this time I cannot help. Whatever the consequences they are entirely of his own making. There is a lot of help for those who genuinely want to change but he has to want to change and it doesn't sound like he does.

At 30 your actions are all your own responsibility as are the consequences. There is no way I would expect my parents to dig me out of a crappy place I had got myself into.. to help me if I asked for help is not the same, I would help anyone who genuinely wanted it.

I have a cousin who has spent most of the last 20 years in prison due to his problems and another who has schitzophrenia caused by a drug addiction.. it is very very hard but sometimes you have to save yourself.

McClane54

you guys need to move away and forget about him, let him sort his own mess out, one day he might wake up

*Robin*

OP, when your DSS reaches rock bottom and tells you he's ready to change his life, this organisation is fantastic:

http://www.emmaus.org.uk/