Parents - what would you do?!

Worriedstepmum

Robisere wrote: »

Does your OH have above average intelligence, but focusses on one problem to the exclusion of everything else? Does he find it hard to socialise with anyone, until he knows them? Does he read, use a computer, watch TV, listen to music, and while doing any of these, is he difficult to reach because he is solely concentrated on that?

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes to all of the above. He is a total genuis on the computer and anything remotely gadgety. He also uses lots of different computer generated graphics packages to create the most incredible artwork. We've moved to a bigger house and he has one room which is solely his "den". He will sit in there for HOURS listening to music and drawing or teaching himself some new software online. But if he tries to explain it to me, he has no idea how to communicate it to me in a language I'll understand!! He can't read between the lines so I can't "drop hints"! If I want him to do something I have to be totally blunt and just say it. He hates change (the move was very stressful) and can't cope with interruptions. He cannot understand why some people behave the way they do, including his son.

Thank you for taking the time to post. This is all very new to me, although I know my OH so well now I'm used to his quirks - it's just funny seeing them all in an official list of "symptoms" LOL! The only thing that upsets me is he's reached the age of 51 without ever having a diagnosis before.

Worriedstepmum

notakid wrote: »

From what I've read (not known) that is common in drug addicts who start at an early age they are stuck at the developmental age that they become an addict.

I hate to say this, but the earlier they are an addict the more hopeless it is to recover. He has no coping skills, it is his life. He knows no different. Take away the drugs, he has nothing, no friends, no skills, no interests. He can't give up. He will have nothing to live for. Unless he finds God or something to feel the gap his changes to change are slim. He is a diehard addict.

I'm so sorry for you and your husband but I don't think there is anything you can do.

I hope he surprises you and proves me to be talking nonsense! But if he was my son I think I would feel the real boy had died along time ago.

Sadly I agree with this, and a rather thoughtless policeman told us that they rarely see addicts like him end up anywhere other than prison (repeatedly) then the morgue

Worriedstepmum

marisco wrote: »

Do the one thing you haven't yet done. Stand back and make him stand on his own two feet. Going from the above you have tried as hard as you can to help him put his life back together time and again. Each time he has thrown that help back in your face and made the same mistakes.

His behaviour now is so out of control that an innocent baby is being affected by it. It is concerning that neighbours are concerned for his childs welfare. He is a grown man who it seems will have to literally hit rock bottom before he sorts himself out. To be honest if I were you I would be far more concerned about the baby.

To be fair, we HAVE stood back now - we've moved an hour's drive away to a different county and he hasn't got our address. The only contact we are prepared to maintain is by phone. Yes, we are worried about the children (the girlfriend has another child who is nearly 5). I know that neither of them would do anything to hurt the children and the girlfriend is a brilliant mum, but the arguing and break-ups all the time must be very upsetting for the older child. They are currently on a break so I know the home will be quiet at the moment. If things change we may need to get involved on that side. I hope not though.

The baby is 100% his child.

Mojisola

Worriedstepmum wrote: »

Sadly I agree with this, and a rather thoughtless policeman told us that they rarely see addicts like him end up anywhere other than prison (repeatedly) then the morgue

Perhaps he was just being honest with you. I expect he's seen families tear themselves apart trying to help addicts without success.

It's very hard to do but you could save yourselves a lot of that heartache by stepping back now.

gizmo111

OP - I have no idea what your financial situation is or where you live or if you would ant to fund treatment but in my professional capacity I have come across this organsiation who are relatively young but very effective and are being praised by police forces as the most effective treatment they have come across with the % of people returning to use drugs being greatly reduced. I have phone nos etc if you are interested PM me. There is a website which I can't find link for at present - this is justthe FB page link.

http://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=scot%20net%20drugs%20therapy&source=web&cd=6&cad=rja&sqi=2&ved=0CGcQFjAF&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fscotnet%2Finfo&ei=8w8MUciYKump0AWVkIHYBg&usg=AFQjCNHWSxs-yBZ4xJKWyY2-tZFpIL0S1g

Good Luck with whatever you decide you are on a long and difficult path to help your step son.

marisco_2

Can I just ask how the girlfriend copes under pressure. If social services have been involved and are aware of the drug use by your stepson and their constant rows, they may stay involved for a while. You mentioned that she isn't very bright and can have a mouth like a sewer. She may not take kindly to a social worker and leave them with a bad impression. These are just concerns I would have for the children.

Worriedstepmum

gizmo111 wrote: »

OP - I have no idea what your financial situation is or where you live or if you would ant to fund treatment but in my professional capacity I have come across this organsiation who are relatively young but very effective and are being praised by police forces as the most effective treatment they have come across with the % of people returning to use drugs being greatly reduced. I have phone nos etc if you are interested PM me. There is a website which I can't find link for at present - this is justthe FB page link.

Good Luck with whatever you decide you are on a long and difficult path to help your step son.

Thank you, I will check that out. Thanks also to everyone who has posted links - I have some numbers for him to call if he DOES decide he is ready for help.

Financially, we are managing but only just. I'm the only one working so I have to cover everything. There is enough to cover all essentials, but not too many luxuries.

Worriedstepmum

marisco wrote: »

Can I just ask how the girlfriend copes under pressure. If social services have been involved and are aware of the drug use by your stepson and their constant rows, they may stay involved for a while. You mentioned that she isn't very bright and can have a mouth like a sewer. She may not take kindly to a social worker and leave them with a bad impression. These are just concerns I would have for the children.

They are very valid concerns. She manages to fall out with every single neighbour she's ever had and it's always "their fault". Face to face, she's like butter wouldn't melt and very softly spoken but I've heard her down the phone swearing and ranting like a fishwife. I think she possibly has worked for about 6 months of her life. The father of her older child is in prison. I know for a fact that if my stepson and her broke up for good we would never see the baby again. She is a drama queen and verbally very volitile.

Worriedstepmum

Mojisola wrote: »

Perhaps he was just being honest with you. I expect he's seen families tear themselves apart trying to help addicts without success.

It's very hard to do but you could save yourselves a lot of that heartache by stepping back now.

Yes I know he was being honest but my OH has already buried one son and doesn't really want to think about burying another, however likely it might be

marisco_2

Worriedstepmum wrote: »

She manages to fall out with every single neighbour she's ever had and it's always "their fault". Face to face, she's like butter wouldn't melt and very softly spoken but I've heard her down the phone swearing and ranting like a fishwife. I think she possibly has worked for about 6 months of her life. The father of her older child is in prison. I know for a fact that if my stepson and her broke up for good we would never see the baby again. She is a drama queen and verbally very volitile.

If social services are involved they would most likely have spoken to the neighbours who raised the concerns. They might raise with her about what has been heard and seen going on and why there are concerns about the children. I fear that if she feels criticised by the neighbours and under observation from social services, then the facade could falter and they could see the other side of her very quickly.

The older child is most likely at school. I would be amazed if all the recent arguing, shouting and coming and going of your stepson hasn't effected this child. If not already then shortly this child could begin to show signs of being emotionally fragile and vulnerable. Teachers and assistants at the school will pick up on this very fast. If the mum doesn't sort herself out and start conducting herself properly it is not only yourself, your OH and your stepson that would not see the children.

I really feel for you. It must be such an agonising situation to be in.