Parents - what would you do?!

Corelli

Hi,

I would like to say that I have seen NA help someone in my family turn her life around. What someone said about needing other things to fill the gap that drugs fill is very true. She uses NA and AA like that, or so it seems to me as she leads groups in prisons and rehab places, goes to NA conferences all over, has NA and AA friends. But she is clean and leads a productive if poor, in financial terms, life. We have AS in the family, my son has a definite diagnosis and we are convinced my dh has it too. He too has a very addictive personality but overcame his difficulties with alchohol and prescription painkillers with counselling, anti depresents and pure bloody minded ness, it's not been easy for either of us.

I suppose I 'm sharing to say if your SS ever finds the motivation to stick with the help that is available there is a chance he can come out the other side, and to agree that there is quite a high probability he is on the scpectrum to some degree which could explain his fascination with drugs. OH always said he took stuff to help him cope which I never understood. I still don't really understand but do know he had good motives and have read up more about this.

My boy is 14 and I dread him experimenting and finding out that some drugs have the ability to make you feel good immediately.

Your partner is lucky to have you.

dandelionclock30

Worriedstepmum wrote: »

Thank you, I will check that out. Thanks also to everyone who has posted links - I have some numbers for him to call if he DOES decide he is ready for help.

Financially, we are managing but only just. I'm the only one working so I have to cover everything. There is enough to cover all essentials, but not too many luxuries.

.

Do not shell out your own money to put him through any detoxs or rehabs. Theres money available for this through Social Services.Theres no need to be paying anything yourself.
Some private rehabs detoxs will take your money in a flash, thats the reality. The sucess rates for rehabs over the long term is around 4% of people stay drug free.There is no miracle cure. Keep your money for yourselves.

meritaten

I do not want this to sound harsh - but, this could be his 'rock bottom' and he will have to pull himself back up. He is nearly 30 you say, an adult and responsible not only for himself but for a child. all you can do is supply information. Do not give him money, or allow him to visit as the chances are he will steal from you.
Addiction is a terrible thing - but, it can be overcome if the person WANTS to overcome it!
I really do wish you all well - and hope that stepson will find the help he needs.

alwaysbrassic

My cousin is a heroin addict who the family hasn't seen for 10 years. He was my nannas blue eyed boy, and when he first got on drugs she was determined to "rescue" him.
Cue 6 months of the family setting him up in a flat, shopping for him, entertaining him etc. this was met with him selling our belongings, lying to us and causing trouble in the family.
I genuinely think that you cannot rescue someone who does not want to be rescued.

h82bgirly

There are organisations that can help you to cope. AdFam and DrugFam (I can't post links yet but you can find them on google) both have support groups for family members of those with substance misuse issues. They can give you help and advice around ensuring you stay sane (and financially afloat) and also helping you to help him into treatment when he's ready too.

Hope this helps.

gizmo111

marisco wrote: »

If social services are involved they would most likely have spoken to the neighbours who raised the concerns. They might raise with her about what has been heard and seen going on and why there are concerns about the children. I fear that if she feels criticised by the neighbours and under observation from social services, then the facade could falter and they could see the other side of her very quickly.

The older child is most likely at school. I would be amazed if all the recent arguing, shouting and coming and going of your stepson hasn't effected this child. If not already then shortly this child could begin to show signs of being emotionally fragile and vulnerable. Teachers and assistants at the school will pick up on this very fast. If the mum doesn't sort herself out and start conducting herself properly it is not only yourself, your OH and your stepson that would not see the children.

I really feel for you. It must be such an agonising situation to be in.

Totally irrelevant now as they have seperated and he has nowhere to live. What do you mean about no one in the family seeing the children? If social serices are now involved then their remit is to keep the family together and provide support not to restrict contact with the wider family.

Worriedstepmum

The thing is, they split up roughly once a fortnight. This is a regular thing! For all we know, he's back living with her now. Who knows. The only difference this time was that he realised he had finally burnt ALL his bridges and literally had nowhere to go and nobody to turn to. I don't know if it will be a wake up call or not but I hope so. The girlfriend has said that if they are not together she will not allow any of his family near their daughter.

marisco_2

gizmo111 wrote: »

Totally irrelevant now as they have seperated and he has nowhere to live. What do you mean about no one in the family seeing the children? If social serices are now involved then their remit is to keep the family together and provide support not to restrict contact with the wider family.

Not irrelevant at all as the stepson regularly moves back in and is forgiven time and again by his partner.

He is clearly extremely unstable. From what we have been told about the mum she doesn't sound like a very stable parent either. What kind of mum thinks it is okay to raise their children in such awful and volatile circumstances.

Social services main concern will be the welfare of the children. If the childrens mother keeps allowing their dad, someone who takes drugs, steals, cant hold down a job and creates an awful atmosphere in the home back into their lives, social services will have very real concerns for the kids welfare. The mum could be viewed as enabling this awful cycle to continue.

I hope very much that the wider family would be allowed to be involved and stay in touch. By behaving the way they are though the stepson and his partner are playing with fire.

Worriedstepmum

marisco wrote: »

Not irrelevant at all as the stepson regularly moves back in and is forgiven time and again by his partner.

He is clearly extremely unstable. From what we have been told about the mum she doesn't sound like a very stable parent either. What kind of mum thinks it is okay to raise their children in such awful and volatile circumstances.

Social services main concern will be the welfare of the children. If the childrens mother keeps allowing their dad, someone who takes drugs, steals, cant hold down a job and creates an awful atmosphere in the home back into their lives, social services will have very real concerns for the kids welfare. The mum could be viewed as enabling this awful cycle to continue.

I hope very much that the wider family would be allowed to be involved and stay in touch. By behaving the way they are though the stepson and his partner are playing with fire.

Totally hit the nail on the head. As I said before, they are fire and gunpowder and should NOT be together. He is either off his face on drugs or whatever is being prescribed to try and get him off drugs, or he is in withdrawal and anxious, moody and irritable. She doesn't trust him, is constantly suspicious and is mouthy and argumentative. But despite everything they can't seem to stay apart! arggghhhhh. Add to the mix that her older child has recently been diagnosed as autistic. Honestly, you couldn't make it up and I think even Jeremy Kyle would have his work cut out with this one!

gizmo111

marisco wrote: »

Not irrelevant at all as the stepson regularly moves back in and is forgiven time and again by his partner.

He is clearly extremely unstable. From what we have been told about the mum she doesn't sound like a very stable parent either. What kind of mum thinks it is okay to raise their children in such awful and volatile circumstances.

Social services main concern will be the welfare of the children. If the childrens mother keeps allowing their dad, someone who takes drugs, steals, cant hold down a job and creates an awful atmosphere in the home back into their lives, social services will have very real concerns for the kids welfare. The mum could be viewed as enabling this awful cycle to continue.

I hope very much that the wider family would be allowed to be involved and stay in touch. By behaving the way they are though the stepson and his partner are playing with fire.

And what they will do is ask her to remove him from the home in the first place - OP has already said that she is a good mum so the very real threat of losing her children may be the point that she ends the relationship.
He can apply to the courts for contact with his child and given the concerns about his stability and drug use then this would have to be supervised aznd if the OP and her partner offer to do this then they will see their grandchild.
Somehow I didn't see the bit about them getting back together on a regular basis - this will be a concern to social services but doesn't mean that the children will automatically be removed, there is a long process of CP procedures and opportunity to turn things around in the home before this happens.

Don't frighten the OP into thinking that she will never see the chidl again is all I am saying.

Oh and I am very aware the procedures and what would raise concerns and how it will be dealt with, many years of working as a CP social worker has made sure of that.