Parents - what would you do?!

Worriedstepmum

Regular user with different user name for this one.

My OH and I have been together nearly 10 years, not yet married. He has a son who is nearly 30. I don't have any children of my own.

Stepson has had a serious drug problem for about 14 years now. He has been to prison several times for various offences like burglary, but all stemming from drugs/needing money. In prison he gets clean from drugs but when he comes out it's the same story every time - he's back on them within weeks.

Over the last 8 years we have tried literally EVERYTHING to help him. Moved house to give him a fresh start in a new area, got him jobs, housed/fed/clothed him when he was out of work, etc, etc. But every time something goes wrong. He's stolen from us and stolen from pretty much everyone he knows, including girlfriends and parents of girlfriends. (His mother moved house a long time ago and he now doesn't know where she is - she couldn't take any more of his behaviour and has cut all ties.)

Within a week of leaving prison in January 2012 his girlfriend was pregnant, so he now has a child. He is living with the child and his girlfriend but they fight constantly and every other week she kicks him out only to take him back a few days later. We have just learned that neighbours have called social services because of the constant shouting and screaming from their flat.

Present day - he's been kicked out yet again and has finally realised that he literally doesn't have anywhere in the world to go, and nobody to go to. He has no friends and the only people who will speak to him are us and the people who sell him drugs. He can't live with us again as we've moved to get away from a town where everyone knows what he's done. Our new landlord (a friend of mine) has said he cannot live in their property under any circumstances. We don't trust him, have no idea if he is currently clean or on drugs and are at a total loss to do know what to do for the best. It breaks my heart to hear him so upset on the phone, but nothing we have tried to do for him in the past has helped him one little bit.

He is my stepson and I love him. But I hate the person he is when he is on drugs. His father is beside himself with worry but hasn't a clue what we can do. If we had the money I would send him to rehab tomorrow, but we don't.

If anyone has experienced anything like this and has any advice on what we can do I would be so grateful.

Thanks for reading.

delain

Can't help but didn't want to read and run. :grouphug: x x

Joons

Poor you, is hard enough coping with your own child going through this but having to go through this with someone else's is difficult, I'm a stepmum so I know. I honestly think you have exhausted all your attempts to help him. He's obviously gonna have to reach total rock bottom to have any hope of pulling himself up again and into the real world. Don't have experience of this but I would think at the age of 30, he's on his own with this one. Hopefully you'll get more practical advice from others. Sorry you are having to live through this.

Worriedstepmum

Thanks. I'm that desperate I even considered calling the Jeremy Kyle show and getting him on an "intervention" program where they send them to rehab!! :eek: It would be the most humiliating experience of my life and he would need a whole show to get through the things my stepson has done ....

RAS

I think a relevant issue might be what happens to the child.

I would think that there is a real possibility that mum now has the option of sorting herself out urgently (and that probably means not having any contact with DSS) or losing the child.

If she is also a user, you might want to think about whether you would be prepared to step in at that point.

Gigglepig

Providing him with contact details for rehab or people that may help with his addiction is good idea. But the decision to turn his life around needs to be his.

Worriedstepmum

RAS wrote: »

I think a relevant issue might be what happens to the child.

I would think that there is a real possibility that mum now has the option of sorting herself out urgently (and that probably means not having any contact with DSS) or losing the child.

If she is also a user, you might want to think about whether you would be prepared to step in at that point.

The girlfriend doesn't do drugs and never has. She already has another child who is nearly 5. That child's father was also a druggie. She has great taste in men. She is not particularly bright, has a mouth on her like a sewer but she is a good mother and takes care of the children. It's just that her and my stepson are like fire and gunpowder, are totally wrong for each other and should never have been together, let alone reproduced!

Worriedstepmum

Gigglepig wrote: »

Providing him with contact details for rehab or people that may help with his addiction is good idea. But the decision to turn his life around needs to be his.

Is there anywhere to get rehab for free though? I presume he is on the dole as he hasn't worked since he left prison a year ago.

dandelionclock30

There are plenty of places available that will help him, if he wants to be helped that is. Ring the local CAB or Social Services and ask about services for drug users.There will be something available locally that can help move forward. Also his G.P will know of treatment options and how to access rehabs. He can have an assessment done by Social Services to see if he is sutable and if they will pay for rehab. If social services dont do this directly they will have contracted it out to another provider in the area.Ring either the area drug team or Social Services, either should be able to tell you.
In the meantime dont be giving him money under any circumstances and pass on the results of above to him. He can then go to get help himself. There is nothing you can do apart from supporting and encouraging him when he wants to makes changes.
Dont be getting too worried or upset and look after yourself first.Hes an adult and can accept responsibilty and move forward if he wishes to.

guruchelles

Worriedstepmum wrote: »

...

Within a week of leaving prison in January 2012 his girlfriend was pregnant, so he now has a child. He is living with the child and his girlfriend but they fight constantly and every other week she kicks him out only to take him back a few days later. We have just learned that neighbours have called social services because of the constant shouting and screaming from their flat.

.

Please don't take offence, but are you sure this child is his? You can't conceive and learn of the conception in the same week. At any rate, I guess that's a secondary problem.

I don't really have any advice, but I do sympathise. You can only do what you can do. The addict - as others have said - has to make the ultimate decision. You are doing the right thing being there for your partner.

dancingfairy

I presume he will have to register as homeless with the council and apply for a place and/or try and get a place in a homeless hostel?
From there he can apply for the relevant benefits.
Best of Luck in a very tough situation.
df