My savings ..our or my money?!

74jax

claire16c wrote: »

I meant heartbreak star or people like her who dont know.

Sorry :rotfl: I'm so confuzzled by this thread now.

Not everyone discusses salary. I don't think if was offered a payrise or cut I'd immediately let my oh know, well not until I'd decided to take it not then probs take him out for meal to celebrate or get him take me to commiserate :rotfl:

I think if you're in a comfortable relationship, know everything is taken care of, you don't need to know everything.

We, as a couple, just talk to that extent about savings.

claire16c

74jax wrote: »

Sorry :rotfl: I'm so confuzzled by this thread now.

Not everyone discusses salary. I don't think if was offered a payrise or cut I'd immediately let my oh know, well not until I'd decided to take it not then probs take him out for meal to celebrate or get him take me to commiserate :rotfl:

I think if you're in a comfortable relationship, know everything is taken care of, you don't need to know everything.

We, as a couple, just talk to that extent about savings.

No worries I should have quoted.

For us what we earn comes up a lot when we are doing things like discussing what type of house wed like to buy etc, or what holiday should we go on this year, so I just cant picture being in a household where someone literally had no idea. Plus all the couples I know, all know how much the other one earns, through either necessity or just simple conversation. Or the other one asked. They saw the job advert, it just came up, they saw it when paying bills etc. I cant see how it can just never come up.

There was just one time where my friend said she had no idea how much her boyfriend earned. All she knew was that he was buying gadgets and she was struggling trying to pay rent on a place for herself where he stayed regularly, and not being able to buy anything for herself. I said well I know how much he earns - as he was in the army with my DH and they were at the same level, and she was shocked because she then realised how much more money he had than she realised. It had been causing resentment for ages and they almost broke up over it. Anyway once I told her his wage, she asked him the question of how much did he earn, and asked him to contribute more and it all worked out ok. I just never understood why she didnt ask earlier on.

We are all in our late 20s now and so more comfortable but salary still comes up especially as I pay the bills out of our joint account so its there in black and white.

balletshoes

maybe if theres one person in the couple who is responsible for actually paying the bills (ie the one who makes sure the council tax, utilities are paid on time, that the food bill is covered etc), that person would know and retain the details of how much income was coming in to the household in total.

But maybe the other person in the couple doesn't retain that information because they're not the one who does the household budget on a day-to-day basis?

Theres nothing secretive about mine and my OH's finances between us, I'm sure at some point over the last 15 years I've told him how much I earn. But I don't think he has retained any of that information, because he doesn't physically arrange the paying of the household bills, I do that. He wouldn't have a clue how much money I bring into the house on a monthly basis if you asked him.

heartbreak_star

claire16c wrote: »

I meant heartbreak star or people like her who dont know.

It's just never really come up, even though he's changed job and I'm possibly doing so. Talking about salaries with regards to that, it's usually "is it more than you're on now?".

If a big bill happens, we tend to mention it so that the other doesn't try and plan a month full of nights out. If we're going to be really stuck for cash for a while, we mention it and help each other too. We don't have holidays, we do go to LARP events but we pay for ourselves, we don't intend moving house for a loooong time, and we own and fund our own cars.

I see it the other way - unless it's necessary for a mortgage application, why on earth should I know exactly how much he's paid? It's not my money! :cool: Similarly, if he randomly asked me, I'd wonder why and it might set an alarm bell off.

If I got a promotion or pay rise, I'd give him more towards the house - overpay the mortgage or something. But I certainly wouldn't be telling him every penny that comes into my hands.

Everyone's different, I think the way people see all this is very personal. If I enquired about a partner's salary, I'd feel like a gold digger. I care about him, not his money. I'd still love him if he were unemployed...we'd just have a talk about how to make things work till he was employed again.

Sorry, I'm rambling now, just trying to explain the way I see things!

HBS x

Torry_Quine

Gloomendoom wrote: »

Maybe for some people. It obviously wasn't essential for us. If it had been, I'm sure we would have felt the ramifications by now.

I don't think it's essential. It just seems unusual to me that you would share your life but not your financial information.

claire16c

balletshoes wrote: »

maybe if theres one person in the couple who is responsible for actually paying the bills (ie the one who makes sure the council tax, utilities are paid on time, that the food bill is covered etc), that person would know and retain the details of how much income was coming in to the household in total.

But maybe the other person in the couple doesn't retain that information because they're not the one who does the household budget on a day-to-day basis?

Theres nothing secretive about mine and my OH's finances between us, I'm sure at some point over the last 15 years I've told him how much I earn. But I don't think he has retained any of that information, because he doesn't physically arrange the paying of the household bills, I do that. He wouldn't have a clue how much money I bring into the house on a monthly basis if you asked him.

I would agree with that. I do all the bill paying so although my DH knows what I earn he doesnt really have a clue what money is where although I tell him all the time, he has a memory like a sieve.

heartbreak_star wrote: »

It's just never really come up, even though he's changed job and I'm possibly doing so. Talking about salaries with regards to that, it's usually "is it more than you're on now?".

If a big bill happens, we tend to mention it so that the other doesn't try and plan a month full of nights out. If we're going to be really stuck for cash for a while, we mention it and help each other too. We don't have holidays, we do go to LARP events but we pay for ourselves, we don't intend moving house for a loooong time, and we own and fund our own cars.

I see it the other way - unless it's necessary for a mortgage application, why on earth should I know exactly how much he's paid? It's not my money! :cool: Similarly, if he randomly asked me, I'd wonder why and it might set an alarm bell off.

If I got a promotion or pay rise, I'd give him more towards the house - overpay the mortgage or something. But I certainly wouldn't be telling him every penny that comes into my hands.

Everyone's different, I think the way people see all this is very personal. If I enquired about a partner's salary, I'd feel like a gold digger. I care about him, not his money. I'd still love him if he were unemployed...we'd just have a talk about how to make things work till he was employed again.

Sorry, I'm rambling now, just trying to explain the way I see things!

HBS x

Is it a newish relationship you are in? As I guess if I had a friend changing jobs I might word it like that, but not to my husband because I dont need to skirt around anything. But I wouldnt have asked him when I first started dating him. And when we first went out we paid for our own stuff, but of course we wouldnt do that now.

Maybe it depends if you are married/living together or not, and whether you live in a partners previous house or you bought one together etc?

If you did get a promotion or pay rise, why would you contribute more though because how do you know he doesnt earn 5 times as much as you anyway, if you see what I mean?

I just dont get the reason people would not tell each other, it seems very secretive. I have no reason to hide what Im earning/spending. We see both of our wages as both our money.

Person_one

Gloomendoom wrote: »

Maybe for some people. It obviously wasn't essential for us. If it had been, I'm sure we would have felt the ramifications by now.

There's still plenty of time...

Person_one

balletshoes wrote: »

Theres nothing secretive about mine and my OH's finances between us, I'm sure at some point over the last 15 years I've told him how much I earn. But I don't think he has retained any of that information, because he doesn't physically arrange the paying of the household bills, I do that. He wouldn't have a clue how much money I bring into the house on a monthly basis if you asked him.

Could he take over and cope if you suddenly weren't there or able to do it?

poet123

74jax wrote: »

I think it is a popular view, I'm not sure to be honest. With passed relationships when I have lived week-2-week, we've had to account for every penny and each person know what is being spent on what. At this moment and in this relationship we really don't.

I mentioned the thread to him last night and the point I made about I doubt he would know how much he had in savings and he agreed, without getting settlements figures and accountant info he wouldn't know.

I think I might be a bit misleading in that it's not a secret, I just can't see why what we have in savings would change how we live.

I have an idea of current account/accessible money (but may be within 10-15k out) but as for savings I couldn't tell you if it was 750k/500k/250k, wouldn't have a clue.

I am not sure why living like that would/should change the way you operate as a couple. We certainly don't live week to week, we are both higher rate taxpayers and he earns a lot more than I do, but we still know what our joint income is and how much we have in savings because they are mostly joint accounts and/or managed online.

balletshoes

Person_one wrote: »

Could he take over and cope if you suddenly weren't there or able to do it?

nope he couldn't - not at first anyway. He'd have to learn, in the same way I had to learn.