Nailing a compulsive liar

AnnaLicious_2

Having dated someone like this, I know how important it is right now to work through all of these lies. It's part of reconciling what has happened to you emotionally.
No, that's now how the tax office would act.
No, he didn't work for Tesco, he was lying about where he was and the money came from.
No, he wasn't ill, it was a lie.
This might make sense to you. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fantasy_prone_personality
These constant lies were probably true to him. It's part of a larger picture of someone with a personality disorder.
If you are struggling with all of this, and no one would blame you, maybe ask for a referral to a counsellor to talk to.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

sparky2012 wrote: »

yes quite literally did drive him away and dropped him off at his friends.
and for your remark of ' i cant be no prize myself ' - maybe im not but i do know i devoted half my life to this guy who did seem honest , caring , trustworthy not just to me but to everyone - friends , relatives, family etc . his friends were proffessional people, teachers , business people and only now things have been coming out what was held back from me. I dont know exactly when all this happend but definetely bizarre things were happening during the last 4 years of us being together. I thought i had a good guy ! and yes sadly it has tarnished my thoughts.
i suppose i put those questions up there as i had 1% belief in him but i do worry now about his family if they are believing his lies.
and no we wont be getting back together.

:T :T :T


Good for you!


Shrug the fool off. Odds are he is tripping himself up over his own lies to try and cover up something like another partner, drug addiction or suchlike. Avoid him and all his family like the plague and just thank your lucky stars you're free of him now.

Maureen43

OP - reading your post struck a chord with me as I was on the receiving end of these kinds of lies for over twenty years.

If possible, you need to turn off your heart and listen to your head, if that makes sense. Basically, you know already that these stories are all lies. However, accepting that is another matter entirely.

Like you, I needed proof that the stories were just that, stories, before I could move on. You need to come to terms with the fact that he lied, and that you won't necessarily be able to understand why.

I can well imagine what pain you are going through at the moment. Be quite clear though that it is not your fault.

As well as googling "gaslighting" you might want to also look up "sociopath".

Sambucus_Nigra

DUTR wrote: »

Fair enough zzzLazyDaisy, and had you added IMV then I would have accepted the tone of your post differently I wouldn't expect to see eye to eye with everybody at all times .
Obviously you are bright enough to know there is more than one way to respond , by suggesting everything I type is rubbish and to add people to an ignore list I do take as bullying in my view.

Ignoring is not in the best interest of the OP, as ignoring had got them someway to where they are now.

I think telling someone they aren't much of a catch when they are already feeling a little down about the end of a relationship - is more than just bullying. That's abuse. And then when someone tells the person to ignore you - you abuse them. And then tell the OP not to ignore you because that's the root of their problems.

The OP's ex is the root of the problem; and people like you who continue to abuse people looking for help are part of the problem, not part of the solution.

busiscoming2

Maureen43 wrote: »

OP - reading your post struck a chord with me as I was on the receiving end of these kinds of lies for over twenty years.

If possible, you need to turn off your heart and listen to your head, if that makes sense. Basically, you know already that these stories are all lies. However, accepting that is another matter entirely.

Like you, I needed proof that the stories were just that, stories, before I could move on. You need to come to terms with the fact that he lied, and that you won't necessarily be able to understand why.

I can well imagine what pain you are going through at the moment. Be quite clear though that it is not your fault.

As well as googling "gaslighting" you might want to also look up "sociopath".

^^^
Me too. It takes quite a while to find the truth about some things and even longer to believe what any future partner says. It made me incredibly wary for many years. You just have to remember THEY were the one with the problem not you.

Poppie68

sparky2012 wrote: »

I wont go into details but my partner and i separated a few weeks ago because i couldnt cope with anymore of his 'stories' and what appear to be lies.
unfortunately i still dont know if some of the things he has said are still true or not and wondered if you could help me by answering the following questions with any knowledge you may know on things.

1. If someone worked for Tescos direct as a hgv driver wouldnt they get a paper contract given ? also wouldnt they get wage pay slips ?

2. If you someone had points on their license is it possible still for someone to get a HGV licence and a job driving for tescos direct ?

2b . If you were an haulage driver for tescos direct would they buy you a george asda coat to wear as part of your uniform and not pay your wages but yet give you a cash converters christmas bonus voucher of £50.00 ?

3. If someone had cancer and was recieving radiotherapy wouldnt they surely get hospital documents or appointments through the post ? and even some sort of medication ?

4. If an account with re-morgaged money got frozen by the tax office four years ago, would it still be possible for this person to get bank statements of this account - to show what is in the account ?

5. if you are diagonosed with a leaking appendicitus would you be able to keep delaying the operation for weeks ? and then suddenly feel better and not go through with the operation ?

6 If you were paying off a tax bill of thousands of pounds each time , surely the tax office would give some sort of reciept to prove these bills had been paid ?

7 if you took london transport to court over a bailiff turning up out of the blue with no letters sent to the property (due to an apparent parking fine ) could you be awarded £7,000 ? and also take the bailiff to court and be awarded £5,000 for the distress ?

Sorry those our my major questions id like to ask for now .. theres loads more and sorry they are crazy questions but my life has definely been crazy for the last 4 years ! I think i know the answers but when you have been for years in what is a bed of lies its really difficult to find any truths. Hes family are sticking by him, believe him and seem to think my accusations are totally ridiculous and that I have something wrong with my head. All i know is that since he has gone i seem to have some santity back. your help will be greatly appreciated.

1: Contract yes but maybe left in work? Wage slips, my husbands has his emailed to him and hasn't had a paper one for 2 years.

2:Work for Tesco and wear an Asda George jacket, never thought that one out properly did he! :rotfl:

3:Yes you would expect to see some paperwork and medication.

4:Tax office and bank account - would of thought there would be plenty of paperwork to prove this one.

5: Leaky appendicts - you would most probably be dead.

6: Again there would be paperwork.

7:London transport and baliffs to court - stranger claims are won in claims for compensation, but he would have to of had a belting lawyer.

Remember he is the fool and the joke is on him. I'm sure in amongst the lies were some truths and we all fall for things none of us are infallible. It does'nt mean this person didn't care about you it just means they have issues.
I wish you all the best in the future you've met and disposed of the idiot now time to find the diamond.:)

Teeniepops

My opinion is this man is fibbing or at least exaggerating the truth. I'm not saying this based on quantity (some people do have unlucky streaks), but more based on the topics - some don't seem realistic.

That said, strange things do happen...

The answers themselves are moot really (IMO) as I think your gut instinct is what you need to listen to. You know him and we don't and if you've reached this point, that speaks volumes.

I don't think it right you have this level of uncertainty in your OH or doubt so much. On that basis alone, you need to follow your heart and head. It sounds like you wouldn't trust him and so you seem to have done the right thing.

I hope you're ok and things work out. I can imagine this has eroded you and if he is a fantasist/liar he will also be manipulative and those people are good at chipping away at your confidence and sanity - which means people stay longer than they should!

Good to hear you're feeling much better. If it is over, let the anger go but remember the experience and take the good from it (lessons etc). Don't let anyone who makes you feel this way waste another day of your life.

All the best x

fluffnutter

OP, unless you have children together (I hope not!), you need have nothing to do with this guy ever again.

Don't torture yourself trying to find out the 'truth', you'll waste precious energy which could be better spent on rebuilding your life. You know he lied, the details are irrelevant really.

And google 'gaslighting'.

Wyre

Firstly, congratulations on getting free. I had a compulsive lying partner many moons ago - he was a gambling, violent alcoholic. He lied over everything and it got so I doubted myself all the time.

I can't answer most of your questions but some relating to HGV drivers I can. Yes you can have an HGV licence and have points. Where Hubby works (another supermarket chain), they won't take you on if you have over 6 points however and they check licences every 6 months to see if the driver is still entitled to drive (no bans etc). Hubby gets his wage slip every month - it is handed to him with his paperwork. It's a legal requirement to receive them I believe. He also received a written copy of his contract when he joined as well as company policy books/ hand book. His uniform is that of the company he works for - not another firm, that really doesn't make sense at all!

ETA: oh my! I just googled 'gaslighting' and it describes my ex to a T!

Frith

My ex husband also lied constantly. I left him 8 years ago.

There were loads of things he did or said that I really wanted to be proven to be untrue. In the end, I could not prove all of them, but enough details came to light about other lies that I could presume most of what he said was rubbish! Then my "list" became less important.

Just in case I needed more reassurance, a couple of years ago he was found guilty of 20 counts of fraud and has recently been arrested for stealing from where he works.

Also just thought (about fabricated medical problems)... since we have split up my ex has phoned pretending to be committing suicide, claimed to have come out of hospital following kidney surgery and to have been on life support then had a new heart valve. All quite unlikely in someone who is seen cycling everywhere and is 37!