Nailing a compulsive liar

sparky2012_2

Maureen43 wrote: »

My ex had a "caring nature". He would help out anyone in trouble.

However, he also stole, lied, cheated, met people for "dogging" in car parks, went on transvestite and bisexual websites and had "encounters" with people he met on there.....

The one was a cover so he could blithely carry on with the other.

Please OP - don't go back to him!

No way will i go back with him .. Im just more shocked with myself for falling for his lies. I always thought the ssterotypical compulsive liar character would be someone charming and that i could spot the manipulation from a mile off. He did seem genuine, caring , thoughtful and grounded. I couldnt have been more wrong. and it seems alot of people thought the same as me and they too are quite shocked by whats gone on to me and them.

Maureen43

sparky2012 wrote: »

I couldnt have been more wrong. and it seems alot of people thought the same as me and they too are quite shocked by whats gone on to me and them.

Agree with that, but there were warning signs right at the start and I ignored them. Love is blind and all that!

I won't be ignoring warning signs in the future.

FBaby

My ex is a compulsive liar. I have for a long time why he is like that because like many compulsive liars it would seem, he is a genuine lovely helpful guy.

In his case, I have come to the conclusion that it stem from high expectations from his family mixed with low confidence. He was the clever, gentle, easy boy of the family, the one who was going to succeed, and even though I don't think his parents really put pressure on him, they just strongly believed in him, he wanted so much to please them that it did put him under pressure. When things started not to go to plan, he became highly anxious and worried that he was letting down people, hence starting the lies with the hope to recover whatever he had done if only he had a bit more time....except that as we know, when you start the lies, you fall under a web of deceit, which of course makes you more and more anxious and so you lie even more, to the point where the lies are so ridiculous, you struggle to separate reality from fantasy.

In retrospective, my ex lied the entire evening of our first meeting. Lied about how much he was earning (not directly but with hints), lied about his housing status (hinted again that he was owner of his flat when he was actually just renting with a flatmate), lied about his drving license etc... The irony is that when he was clearly trying desperately to impress me, all I could think was that he was extremely arrogant. He did win me though because of his caring attitude which made me think that he wasn't so arrogant after all.

Thankfully, having been brought up by a serial liar (my dad, but his were controlled to some extent so never got him into real trouble), it didn't take me long to realise that my ex was lying all the time. I sympathised for a while, wanted him to realise that he didn't need to impress me and that his lying were having the complete opposite effect, but to no avail.

He still lies all the time, to his new partner (the things he has told her about why we separated and the rest is comical!!), and to the kids (which is more of an issue because they are still at the age where they believe all their loving, poor daddy tells them and if I try to discuss it with them, I immediately become nasty mummy no matter how gently I approach the subject). He is also encouraging them to lie, which again, annoys me vastly, but they are more responsive to accepting that this is not right.

Unfortunately, the level of your ex lies are such (reaching the fantasy level) that I very much he could change quickly enough to make it worthwhile and would require a serious amount of psychological help which he would need to want first.

The good thing is that after all this experience, you are much more likely to recognise all the signs in others.

JimmyTheWig

How old is your son, OP?
Is he still seeing / going to be seeing his dad?
I think in your position I would be wanting to talk through the situation with someone like your health visitor or GP.
You asked if it was hereditory. I have no idea. Equally, I have no idea whether it can be a "learned" behaviour (there are more ways that just genes to pass things on to your children). But it is worth checking out. Worth checking out the effect all of this may be having on your son.

sparky2012_2

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

How old is your son, OP?
Is he still seeing / going to be seeing his dad?
I think in your position I would be wanting to talk through the situation with someone like your health visitor or GP.
You asked if it was hereditory. I have no idea. Equally, I have no idea whether it can be a "learned" behaviour (there are more ways that just genes to pass things on to your children). But it is worth checking out. Worth checking out the effect all of this may be having on your son.

thankyou for your reply.
our son is 7 years old , my partner still wants to be a big part of his life and we arranged between us evenings / weekends when he could seee him. He was supposed to come this evening for him but let my boy down saying he was ill .. not a good start ! and devestated my little one. he wanted to re-arrange for tommrow but i said we had made plans as im not going down that road of bending to his requirments any more !
During the first few days of the split i did see go to see the doctor .. to check my head out ! he actually seem to side with me and said i need to now get on with my life and that i ddidnt need counciling or my son ! but i am worried for my son being at such a young age and will probably look into it more for his sake as since he was born he has a very low self esteem and not a very confident child no matter how much iv tried to already help him over the years .. encouraging joining clubs etc to help bring him out of his shell.
thanks though for highlighting it because i do worry about him.
diane

JimmyTheWig

sparky2012 wrote: »

our son is 7 years old
...
but i am worried for my son being at such a young age and will probably look into it more for his sake as since he was born he has a very low self esteem and not a very confident child

I agree with you that it is still worth speaking to someone about him.
Did you have a lot of contact with your health visitor? At 7 he will be out of the health visitor's remit, but they might still be a good starting point of someone to talk to.
Might be worth looking at him joining Young Carers. (Just google Young Carers and the name of your county or borough.) They can be a great support to young people with "difficult" family situations.
If neither of those appeal then you might prefer to speak to his class teacher, the SENCo at school, or the school nurse?

There are people and organisations out there who can help you and your son. Sometimes it's not particularly easy in finding them or finding the right ones for you, but the way to find them is to start talking to people about it.

sparky2012_2

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

I agree with you that it is still worth speaking to someone about him.
Did you have a lot of contact with your health visitor? At 7 he will be out of the health visitor's remit, but they might still be a good starting point of someone to talk to.
Might be worth looking at him joining Young Carers. (Just google Young Carers and the name of your county or borough.) They can be a great support to young people with "difficult" family situations.

If neither of those appeal then you might prefer to speak to his class teacher, the SENCo at school, or the school nurse?


There are people and organisations out there who can help you and your son. Sometimes it's not particularly easy in finding them or finding the right ones for you, but the way to find them is to start talking to people about it.

thanks so much for your help .. ill definetely look into it all - strangely before all this happend i already had concerns about my boy having an incredibly low self esteem which he seemed to have since he was a baby , although very slowly he has progressed and gained some confidence, he is behind on his literacy and numeracy etc that i called for him to be tested for dyslexia 8 weeks ago so iv already had some dealings with senco. but although iv told the school last week his father and i have separated and to keep an eye on him they dont as yet know all of what happend behind it all - so ill speak to the senco person.

thanks again for your guidance

sparky2012_2

sorry to bother you alll again !
my ex has asked today for a copy of the remorgage details to give to the tax office with regards to the account being frozen to prove the money was from the remortgage of the house in a bid to un freeze his account.... although i still dont believe any this , but as he is half owner to the house i cant really refuse his request.
I am however worried he may be using this in some way .. i.e is it possible for him to use this to get a loan or something ? without my knowledge.
Im just a bit concerned about what his motives are. will it be ok to provide him with a copy, what do you think ?

Sambucus_Nigra

sparky2012 wrote: »

sorry to bother you alll again !
my ex has asked today for a copy of the remorgage details to give to the tax office with regards to the account being frozen to prove the money was from the remortgage of the house in a bid to un freeze his account.... although i still dont believe any this , but as he is half owner to the house i cant really refuse his request.
I am however worried he may be using this in some way .. i.e is it possible for him to use this to get a loan or something ? without my knowledge.
Im just a bit concerned about what his motives are. will it be ok to provide him with a copy, what do you think ?

As he is a liar - has he got paperwork to prove this? Is the remortgage in his name at all?

sparky2012_2

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

As he is a liar - has he got paperwork to prove this? Is the remortgage in his name at all?

sorry i must have put up a confusing post .. yes we both have an house in joint names ( although iv always paid the morgage not him and comes out my bank account ) . he asked me for a copy of the remortgage details .. i.e the copy with both our names on it and details . so yes its the only thing we have jointly done together.
although last week i found a paper document in his drawer as though he was trying to apply for a loan dating back many years ago with my name on it and his .. so this is why i am worried.(he has obviously tried before without my knowledge)