The Giving Up/ Cutting Down alcohol support thread - number 12

41_and_i_know_it

Morning everyone. I feel very positive today, does that sound weird because my auntie passed away last night. I am starting to appreciate life more and all the things that I have not the things I don't have.
Even if you lose the people you love, have no money or possessions, and life seems pointless, your spirit will carry on and see you through, no-one will take that away.

Lilith1980

Hi all,

29 AFDs for me please.

41 sorry to hear about your auntie, I hadn't realised how many people you'd lost in such a short space of time. Look after yourself hun ((hugs)).

I know I have come on here wanting to totally abstain, but part of me is wishing I could have a 'normal' relationship with alcohol. And I guess normal in my eyes would be having one glass, enjoying it, and that being enough. I really would have liked to have toasted our new house with a glass of wine, and OH said he wished he could too.

I have a huge fear that if I have just one drink, it will spiral again. Just like I know that if I have one cigarette I will be back on them again after 4 years of being off them (coz that has happened before when I have given them up).

Anyone have any thoughts on this? Anyone abstaining and feeling similar?

I don't think I am ready to touch alcohol again just yet, maybe I never will be. Maybe I'm wishing for something I'll never have. Maybe it's about not having an emotional relationship with alcohol, but I think it's too early to test whether I can have 'just the one'.

I actually feel quite upset about this - I don't feel 'normal'. And I don't think this is just to do with the alcohol; I had an eating disorder in my 20s and my relationship with food is a lot better but I still have to be aware that food can be a coping mechanism for me and if I feel stressed/bored/angry then I can stuff food down me to block these feelings out. I am more aware of this.

However, I wish I could just get on with life, eat, drink and enjoy these things 'in the moment' without them being a crutch for my emotions, without abusing them. At the moment, I am analysing everything to do with them. I am better at expressing my feelings and allowing myself to be upset, but it feels like I am trying to stay in control and be alert as to 'why' I am eating things, and 'why' I am fancying a drink. I know being alert is good but it's tiring

Sorry for ranting

macpep1

AF for me last night, thats 13AF's in total, 1 more tonight will bring me to 14 for April (even though its 'date night') Doubled last months hopefully

41_and_i_know_it wrote: »

Hi everyone, had an EVENTFUL day.
Kids into school by 7.50 am happy days.
Mum ill, dad ill, dad to docs by 11.30 mum to docs 4pm.
Prescriptions everywhere, kids doing my head in hey ho diddly um um.
Mum has shingles, dad has constipation and is impacted, blind and got vascular dementia. Spent all day on the phone to meals on wheels 2 doctors surgeries, 2 different hospitals and picking up prescriptions, and going to doctors. Watching Emmerdale hoping to learn a lot from these wonderful role models lol.
Thanks macpep x
26/29 one day left til May.
Shaggy if you can, don't worry if you can't cos it must be near to your dads funeral I will set a full monty target for May. Look after yourselves.

Sorry to hear of that & sorry to hear of your aunt passing, you have so much on your plate & your welcome x

Lilith1980 wrote: »

Hi all,

41 sorry to hear about your auntie, I hadn't realised how many people you'd lost in such a short space of time. Look after yourself hun ((hugs)).

I know I have come on here wanting to totally abstain, but part of me is wishing I could have a 'normal' relationship with alcohol. And I guess normal in my eyes would be having one glass, enjoying it, and that being enough. I really would have liked to have toasted our new house with a glass of wine, and OH said he wished he could too.

I have a huge fear that if I have just one drink, it will spiral again. Just like I know that if I have one cigarette I will be back on them again after 4 years of being off them (coz that has happened before when I have given them up).

Anyone have any thoughts on this? Anyone abstaining and feeling similar?

However, I wish I could just get on with life, eat, drink and enjoy these things 'in the moment' without them being a crutch for my emotions, without abusing them. At the moment, I am analysing everything to do with them. I am better at expressing my feelings and allowing myself to be upset, but it feels like I am trying to stay in control and be alert as to 'why' I am eating things, and 'why' I am fancying a drink. I know being alert is good but it's tiring

Sorry for ranting

I am cutting down Lilith, I have found this extremely difficult, no beating about the bush. My next goal, when I feel strong enough is to have a glass of wine with my dinner & no-more, perhaps a few nights then a few glasses on a Saturday. My parents were both alcoholics, I am not saying this is genetic as I don't believe it is but in the back of my mind a wee voice is saying I will end up like them. For me, where I am now I am pleased with, I only drank Fri/Sat at the weekend, normally a Sunday would have alcohol as well but I didn't have any & I think that made me feel better on Monday at work, didn't quite feel as bad.

However, when the weekend comes around, it gets to the stage where I am getting scared to have a drink incase I spiral downwords but also scared (not sure if thats the right word) not to have one because I enjoy it & would miss my weekend treat. This Friday, I have told DH I will drive to the party as I am up early to collect DS from his gran & take him swimming & it will save a fortune on Taxi fares, he was quite shocked & said "Are you sure??"" So I will hopefully only be drinking Saturday & have one bottle wine (this is still classed as binge drinking by the Government guidelines but 1 bottle a week in my mind isn't).

I do hope one day to be able to have a glass of wine if I am out at lunch with friends & stop at that & not fall asleep at 6 in the evening in a drunken stupor. I have every confidence that will happen one day, I stopped smoking when we bought our last house & yes there were times I was tempted but I can now say I wouldn't dream of putting a cigarette in my mouth :eek:.
You have done fabulous to come this far, if you want to celebrate the new house, why not buy a miniature bottle of wine for each of you, open them as late as you can (so as you cannot buy more) & then have a tea/coffee/hot choc & go to bed, you will have achieved your goal & be so proud of yourself.

Lilith1980

Thanks macpep

I had thought about buying one of those miniature bottles of wine, but I think I am scared even one of those will send me craving for more

Someone recommended I sit and think about 'why' my cravings come up (whether for food or alcohol). If the reason is to due with stress then it's probably best for me to avoid. But if I am happy and 'just fancy it' then is this ok? Maybe I am tempting fate.

I can actually visualise myself buying a bottle of my favourite spirit (Tia Maria) and how it would taste when I took that first sip. I know I would end up drinking the whole bottle like I used to, I feel the draw to it even just by imagining it. Maybe that's telling me all I need to know for now

I think I feel upset because this is a struggle...the 'not drinking' isn't the hard bit, it's thinking about establishing of a healthy relationship with alcohol and not having it control me that is mashing my head. And I feel carp because I feel incapable of just enjoying things, as I feel I can only use them as coping mechanisms. It has been my way of coping for so long that maybe because I have finally acknowledged the problem, I am starting to look to break those old habits.

OH had a shandy at the pub the other night - he said he didn't enjoy it that much. I bet if I'd had a glass I would have been drinking it like water. But maybe I am doubting my own strength.

maman

Hi Lilith

As you know I'm a cutter-down, never intended to give up. For me, daily drinking was just a bad habit I'd got into or a lifestyle choice. What I did find is it's a hell of a lot easier to get into a habit than to get out of it! I'll admit I found it very difficult at first. I used to drink water, almost obsessively every night at home or in the pub/restaurant if I was out on an AF day. Now I can just tell myself I'm not drinking and stick to it. Similarly I can have just one or two and stop if I need to. I'm not boasting:o but even though I only reached 12 AF days this month I know that on my 'drinking' days sometimes I just had the odd glass and never more than a bottle (whereas before I'd have a bottle every night of the week and often more). I've used loads of the tips on here to help me but it does come down to will power eventually. I'm pleased I can do this and I'm also motivated by the fact I love the new, slim me and don't want the extra calories.

For me it's a bit like healthy eating. It's OK to go out for a big meal or indulge on holiday provided you get back to 'normal' as soon as you get back. For me 'normal' is having 3 or 4 AF days a week and not over indulging (e.g. no hangovers or stupid behaviour) on the days I choose to drink.

I don't know if this helps at all. I just wanted you to know that it's not easy whether a giver-up or a cutter-down. I suppose the only way you'll know whether you could manage an odd drink is 'suck it and see' and only you can take that decision.

macpep1

Lilith1980 wrote: »

Thanks macpep

I had thought about buying one of those miniature bottles of wine, but I think I am scared even one of those will send me craving for more

Someone recommended I sit and think about 'why' my cravings come up (whether for food or alcohol). If the reason is to due with stress then it's probably best for me to avoid. But if I am happy and 'just fancy it' then is this ok? Maybe I am tempting fate.

I can actually visualise myself buying a bottle of my favourite spirit (Tia Maria) and how it would taste when I took that first sip. I know I would end up drinking the whole bottle like I used to, I feel the draw to it even just by imagining it. Maybe that's telling me all I need to know for now

I think I feel upset because this is a struggle...the 'not drinking' isn't the hard bit, it's thinking about establishing of a healthy relationship with alcohol and not having it control me that is mashing my head. And I feel carp because I feel incapable of just enjoying things, as I feel I can only use them as coping mechanisms. It has been my way of coping for so long that maybe because I have finally acknowledged the problem, I am starting to look to break those old habits.

OH had a shandy at the pub the other night - he said he didn't enjoy it that much. I bet if I'd had a glass I would have been drinking it like water. But maybe I am doubting my own strength.

Thats why I recommended not having it until late, that way the shop will be closed & you can't do anything about it & you can't drink any more as you would be over the limit (if you drive).

I think I could do that....eventually not just yet, its not like nicotine where you have really really bad cravings, just thinking "Oh I could murder a wee glass of wine" -thats ok, to me, whereas if you had 1 draw on a ciggie, you would have more (does that make sense) :rotfl:. I believe you could do it as you have been AF for so long, your tolerances will also have dropped, if you knew you could only have one then you would savour it more, it would be a major obstacle if you done it & you would prove a point & answer all the many questions you have reeling around in your head & all the "what if's" I certainly think you are doubting your own strengths & may surprise yourself x

Lilith1980

Thanks both,

I think you're right in that the only way to see is if I try. And I forgot about the fact that my tolerance will have dropped so after one glass I may very well be quite merry lol, it usually took me the bottle to feel a bit tipsy.

I think there is also something inside that would feel huge guilt about having one drink, and as though I had let myself down. Perhaps I have seen this as a crusade to never drink again, whereas it might be that I am just so scared that I can't have a healthy relationship with alcohol and therefore I have avoided finding this out by just avoiding drink all together.

I think finding out my dad went out and drank, never thought anything of the consequences as he did it to enjoy himself, and then died from his drinking has frightened me. But maybe because I am aware of my own vulnerabilities I won't let it happen.

But you're right, there is definitely a lot of willpower involved. And maybe I need to say to myself that if I muck up and have too much, then that is ok but the point is to learn from it and not make the same mistakes again. I just beat myself up over making the mistake in the first place :rotfl:

Slowdown

Hi Lilith - I totally understand your panic at thinking of life without alcohol and thats why I am trying to cut down and not cut it out. I have been a drinker from about 13 when I got stopped by a policeman, who made me empty my bottle of cider down the drain, on my way to the school disco. When I think about it now it makes me want to cry and I am so glad my kids have not started so young.

I went through my teenage and student years getting into stupid and dangerous situations through the misuse of alcohol and can't believe I have come off as lightly as I have, though what the future holds as a result of my misuse I do not know.

I always told myself at least it wasn't drugs, but frankly at times it might has well have been. The thought of going through the second half of my life damaging myself further is really helping me to cut down. I still say and do stupid things when I drink so I am trying not to drink when I am out and then I don't trip myself up.

I, like you, would like a healthy relationship with alcohol and to feel "normal" but I know I will never feel normal about it and it has to be something I control. I used to hate that thought and clung valiantly to the idea of normal but now I accept its something I have to keep an eye on. I will never have normal.

I tend to drink rather strong continental lager, beer and wine rather than spirits. I have made myself sick on so many spirits there's only a couple left, including gin, that I like now.

I know the feeling you talk about of just the one turning into just the many and I know how uncontrollable it is. I also know, that when the feeling is like that, I have to abstain completely or I am lost!

Good luck with the normal quest but I rather think you may have to adjust your mindset to "in control" rather than "normal".

Kind regards

Slowdown:)

Lilith1980

Thanks Slowdown.

Yes, maybe I have to think of "control" like you say - perhaps I see having to control my intake as being almost shameful...like, I *should* be able to have a normal relationship with alcohol like so many other people seem to.

But maybe if I accept that I will always have to keep an eye on it so it doesn't overtake me again, then I will have an easier relationship with it and not beat myself up so much.

I do feel really quite tearful about it...I feel like the having to control (with alcohol and food) almost stops me being spontaneous/free. I feel sad, like it's a loss.

But rather than thinking of it as restricting my freedom maybe I need to look at it as just keeping myself safe and being aware of the reasons behind me wanting those things.

Barny1979

Final day of the month and met my target of 28 AFDs.