Social services onto me about not having child in nursery! Advice needed

pinkladyof66

i have just skipped through this thread but having read 246 from the Op and her attitude to help and advice on this thread I am seriously wondering whether there is more to this. Judging from her responses I would have serious concerns over her parenting !!!! and agree that if you took this tone with the social worker no doubt she referred you cause of that. To get this worked up and angry over this shows there is something quite wrong with your stress levels.

Sambucus_Nigra

pinkladyof66 wrote: »

i have just skipped through this thread but having read 246 from the Op and her attitude to help and advice on this thread I am seriously wondering whether there is more to this. Judging from her responses I would have serious concerns over her parenting !!!!

Really - you think page after page of abuse wouldn't rile you?

mummyroysof3

Having read the OP latest post I can see the problem. Why arevyou getting so worked up? You have a baby and a toddler and a partner with a serious illness...I can see why they are concerned tbh. Other than it being optional and you having a right to choose...why don't you want your 3 year old to go to nursery? At least you could try it and see if they like and enjoy it couldn't you?

pinkladyof66

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Really - you think page after page of abuse wouldn't rile you?

i have read quite a few pages and can see that people are only giving their opinion. I myself have posted on here and got the same sort of reaction. She came on here to get advice which people have kindly given. Not every one will think the same. However from her attitude it is not right. If she doesnt wish to take advice then fair enough but to get that worked up about it shows something is not quite right with her way of thinking.

amyloofoo

You're getting very defensive, and I understand - it can't be easy to hear that Social Services want to talk, and to have your actions picked apart by strangers on the internet, especially when lots of the comments have drifted away from the point of the original post. Please try to remember that SS asking to talk isn't the same as being accused of anything, and that you've only exercised your individual choice over care for your child. Of course it's your right to not enroll your child in nursery, and to refuse access to the HV - but please try to move away from thinking defensively and think how outside professionals have to consider all implications for your choices. Your children also have the right to be protected, and SS are just trying to make sure that this is the case. I'm sure it's just the frustration of reading the comments on here that's made you seem so annoyed, but the best way to handle SS is to remain calm and give them all the information they need - you've not done anything wrong so there's no need to be defensive.

With regards to the referral, as I've previously said, I can see how a HV could feel further questions needed to be asked in light of disengaging from services - particularly if there are other factors, however innocuous they all are individually. Having read what you've said in the past, you have two young children, have moved house at least once (maybe twice - sorry, not sure if this was ever mentioned) in the last year and your partner has a serious health condition. None of these things mean that you can't be an absolutely wonderful parent of course, but put together they could indicate a family that needs some support, or is struggling with difficult circumstances. SS shouldn't be there to judge you (although I know that's how some people on here feel), but also have access to some extra resources and help where this is needed. I'm not saying that you need further support, it sounds as though you have a great family network - but how will SS know this if they don't ask?

I know this hasn't been a pleasant experience for you, but hopefully your family can now put it behind you and perhaps in the future you may one day come to appreciate that SS were simply trying to ensure no child fell through the cracks. Please don't become paranoid or listen to conspiracy theories that this will be some sort of 'black mark' against your name, this is simply not true. If SS ever became involved with your family again they would base their assessment on the current circumstances rather than preconceived notions, and many great families have some form of SS assessment without needing ongoing involvement, whether because they're young parents, have a disabled child, find themselves homeless, have a history of being in care, suffer with a chronic illness or experience postnatal depression. If you're still concerned, then you can request to see your records or talk to your local department.

FBaby

Gillyx wrote: »

Fwiw I'm not against home schooling, children not attending nursery etc, but if the main reason behind it is for the sake of avoiding bullies and the not so nice things in life, for me, isn't what I'd say is best for the child.

I totally agree with this. I have worked in mental health for many years, saw individuals with various diagnosis, but one that was common to almost all of them was a high level of anxiety. Looking in their background, there seem to be a trend that those kids were either abused/unloved, or overly protected (often by mothers).

I am a strong advocate of teaching children, the same way we teach them maths and english, to cope with stress, anxiety, the unknown, helping them build their self-esteem and confidence. I think school play a massive part of it. Just having to change schools and learn to adjust to change, making new friends etc... are extremely valuable skills. My boy was not very confident toddler at all and I strongly believe that he learnt to become so through nursery, school, and the main event was when the same year, he moved to a new school where he knew no-one and he didn't have his older sister with him any longer. My role as a mum was to be there for him, reassure him, listen to him, and gave him all the cuddles in the world, but not to shelter him from it. After 6 months, he had not only adjusted, but his confidence soared, so much that a year later, he said he wanted to take the bus on his own back home (1/2 hour journey and one major road to cross) at 9.

koalamummy

Amyloofoo you have almost summed up my family circumstances over the last two years.

We moved home to a different area just before I became pregnant with my youngest child. I have a collection of auto immune disorders the most relevant being diabetes which in my case has a well documented history of becoming very unstable throughout pregnancy, and for some time after birth. A husband who works away for extended periods of the year, (Armed Forces). Added to that I asked to delay my first meeting with health visitor for a few weeks until we completed on our new house as at the time as we were living in a tiny cramped, (and perpetually grubby despite endless cleaning) rented flat which had the contents of our recently sold four bedroom house in addition to two adults and two children in it. I knew asking to delay would create a certain response but quite frankly I was too embarrassed to have anybody visit us in that flat!

She visited us within two days of moving to our new home, (which in truth I could have seriously done without at the time). I was totally honest with her about everything she asked, also knowing that she could not just take me at my word and would be going back to their base and checking all of my computerised information :rotfl: She visited a few times further, which in truth I could really have done without but was by the third visit fully satisfied that everything was fine with my family and she had no concerns or need to be involved until after my daughter was born. She again visited us a few more times than is considered the norm, but under the circumstances I feel she had good reason to and would have been failing in her duty of care to my children if she hadn't.

southoftheriver

I too can understand why the OP is frustrated. I can also see it from the other side as a healthcare professional who works in a childrens hospital. Nursery is indeed optional as are healthcare visitor visits. There ma be benefits for children in terms of socialisation at nursery etc but these can be met in other ways.

I also think there is a spectrum with health visitors and social services and they do have a job to do. If I were to make a decision in my child's best interests I would feel aggrieved if I were then made to feel like I were part of an investigation for not following the status quo. Having seen it from the other side I know that parents not interacting with agencies like those mentioned are warning signs.

Unfortunately the easiest way to deal with this for the OP is to be completely open with SS/HV but you can still be firm about your choices. Once they see that the kids are well cared for that should be enough and you can get on with your life. I understand the defensiveness up to a point, but you will cut your nose of to spite your face if you lash out.

koalamummy

Also it is worth bearing in mind that the response to the OP's refusal to enrol their daughter in nursery could be entirely dependent on which area of the country they live in. With the introduction of Curriculum for Excellence here in Scotland the age range it covers is 3-18, and I have been reliably informed that preventing a child from participating would be viewed dimly at best and would necessitate investigation.

FBaby

amyloofoo wrote: »

You're getting very defensive, and I understand .

The first post was already defensive. OP, you keep referring to yout legal rights and choice... no different to the midwife's choice to report you and her legal rights to do so... It goes both ways, hence why most here have said that you should just accept the situation, get on with it and move on...