Am I wrong to expect a thanks?

notanewuser

lazer wrote: »

sorry - butI have to agree with posters who say being a SAHM (or SAHD) is nore than just childcare

If you expect thanks for doing the housework then make sure you give your husband or wife thanks for going to work and earning the money to keep you and the children.

IMO - the parent at home is responsible for the childcare during the time the partner is at work, the parents should share the childcare when the working partner comes home.

All housework should be done during the day, with a meal prepared for the working partner coming home - and dishes done together - or one person does the dishes other puts the children to bed etc.

A housewife/househusband is just that - they look after the house and not just the children.

I'm not going to post after this post - it's derailing the thread.

SAHM or SAHD don't include the words housewife or househusband, and I don't consider myself to be a housewife. There's a limit to how much housework can be done during the day when you're looking after a lively toddler or out at classes/playdates with friends. I do what I can during the day, and during the night when she's in bed but I'm not. No, the house isn't spotless, but DD's development is more important than that to US (DH and I) and at the end of the day that's all that matters.

podperson

I think perhaps you need to separate out the individual issues here.

Yes, it would be nice if your husband and children said 'thank you' for what you do, but unfortunately that's probably not going to happen all the time. Just as you probably don't say 'thank you' to your OH every day for going to work at his job to provide for the family. Also it sounds like you might be making things harder for yourself then they need to be - while things like cooking from scratch are great then is it worth it if it's going to make you feel more tired/stressed and like you're putting a huge amount of effort in and not being appreciated for it? While it's a nice thing to do for your family then would they be just as happy with say a sandwich for lunch and you would have more time and feel less frazzled? Don't underestimate the value of your time.

Regarding the self harm, I completely agree that your husband has been very insensitive about that. Obviously you're the one who knows him though - do you think he was being genuinely uncaring about it or could he perhaps have not known how to respond or deal with the situation so finds it easy to try and ignore it. Either way I think you should look at visiting your GP - he will definately not call you 'silly' and can help with the problem. Also if you may have anxiety/depression this could be making the first issue worse.

Regarding the dating site issue - I'm sorry but is this still ongoing? You mention you were pregnant at the time but your LO is now 21 months? If he's not done anything since then did you not discuss and try and resolve to move forward at the time - if he's still doing it then that is completely unacceptable and he needs to be told so.

Joons

notanewuser wrote: »

Well, I gave up a full time job to do it, so it must be. :rotfl:

My DD is almost 27 months old. Of course she needs looking after!

Not saying she doesn't, just don't get the 247 thing, don't you have any support or help - having your child sleep with you is never a good idea either, it's always good even at 2 years old to encourage them to sleep on their own.

Joons

It's a personal thing maybe but I definitely didn't see raising my daughter on my own as a job, yes it's hard work etc and yes you shouldn't be expected to do all the caring if there's a daddy about but certainly during the day when daddy's at work, it's up to you.

Mojisola

notanewuser wrote: »

My DD is almost 27 months old. Of course she needs looking after!

Looking after and giving one-to-one attention all the time are two different things. All children need some time to themselves so that they can learn to entertain themselves. It's not good for them if they always have someone on hand organising every minute of their day.

That may not be what you do but some parents do and the children find transition to school very difficult when they're expected to have a level of independence.

JimmyTheWig

lika_86 wrote: »

Do you ever thank your husband for going out and earning the money?

This was my first thought when I read the OP, but then I changed my mind.
When you do something specifically for someone it is nice to be thanked for it. That's the case even if it is your job.
If I help a customer at work I would expect them to say thank you.
When someone serves me in a shop I thank them. I thank the bus driver when I get off the bus. I thank a waitress or a barman.

And, it goes without saying, that I thank my wife for a meal.

I don't go to the factory to thank the people who made what I bought because there is no personal interaction there to begin with. Likewise I wouldn't be expected to be thanked for going to work by my wife.

notanewuser

Joons wrote: »

Not saying she doesn't, just don't get the 247 thing, don't you have any support or help - having your child sleep with you is never a good idea either, it's always good even at 2 years old to encourage them to sleep on their own.

Can you provide a link to some scientific evidence for that or is it your own opinion?

FWIW DD goes to sleep in her bed on her own but often ends up in with us later on (3-4 nights a week at a guess). We don't have a problem with it, there's no evidence to suggest it's "never a good idea". We've just been away staying with relatives where there was no option but for her to sleep in our bed. Now we're home she should get used to being in her room all night, but I'm not expecting her to suddenly revert back to that.

Mojisola

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

Likewise I wouldn't be expected to be thanked for going to work by my wife.

I would hope that she does show her appreciation though. Now I'm stuck at home and my husband is the only earner, I ask about how work has been, am ready to listen to any moans so he can get that off his chest and we discuss upcoming projects.

notanewuser

Mojisola wrote: »

Looking after and giving one-to-one attention all the time are two different things. All children need some time to themselves so that they can learn to entertain themselves. It's not good for them if they always have someone on hand organising every minute of their day.

That may not be what you do but some parents do and the children find transition to school very difficult when they're expected to have a level of independence.

We're not interacting 24/7 - she's very good at independent play and being with groups of other children. She's very confident and happy.

However, she does have a habit of climbing on things she shouldn't and jumping off - the back of the sofa, her toy kitchen, coffee tables, dining table, windowledges and so can't be left in a room on her own for any length of time.

Hopelass

We don't have kids (yet) but I can imagine it is a very careful balancing act. As it stands my OH and I share the housework. we both work 40+ hours a week. He will do the hoovering, ironing, finances, DIY and lawn mowing (in summer) whereas I do all the cooking, washing, cleaning the bathrooms, washing the car (as I drive it most) and shopping.

This works for us as he does jobs that I hate and I do jobs that he hates!! However, I make a point of thanking him when he has e.g. done the ironing and he always thanks me for cooking every night. It takes such a small effort but does make you feel more appreciated.

To cut a long story short, I don't think you are wrong to expect a thanks, it's basic manners.