Am I wrong to expect a thanks?

Hushpuppie_2

Do any of stay at home mums feel they are taken for granted? I snapped the other day because I never get a thankyou and feel like its 'my job' to do house chores dont get me wrong I do housework and all the washing etc as husband is at work all day, he does change nappies etc on our 21 month old when he gets home,he does what he can but my daughter usually wants to sit on my lap at dinner and wants my attention more than anyones so I never get any peace.

last week I made fresh soups from scratch, cakes etc as I dont like packaged stuff from stores,so on Wed his 11yr old son from his 1st wife was due back at his mums at 1pm so I made chicken soup for all of us started at 11am let it cook properly had it on table at 12.30 tell husband and his son its ready so they sit and eat ....no thanks or anything ,the usual:mad:re
his son is actually well mannered and tidy ...maybe its me?:(

I dunno maybe my depression is not improving
I told my husband I self harm when im down like hit my head, all he said was thats silly. hes not asked since if I still do it. I feel like my family and husband would not miss me if I vanished and thats the honest truth

I met my husband on dating site got married i was happy until i found out he was still 'looking' and had an active profile ..i was 3 weeks pregnant told him after confronting about dating site he was still on..anyway i felt i had no choice but to make it work for babys sake ...but am i the only one to see an elephant in the room? as u can see and hopefully understand i feel undervalued and rubbish

how can i feel better?

marisco_2

I can understand why you feel down and undervalued. It was good of you to make the effort to cook some soup from scratch. Your stepson and husband could just have said how nice it was and thanked you for a lovely meal. A little consideration and some appreciation goes a long way doesn't it.

Things will improve with your little one. Young kids can be very clingy to their main carer, especially toward the end of a day when they are tired. She is used to having you around all day so you are her first port of call. To be honest I would bite the bullet and place her in daddys arms for a cuddle and a story, whilst you go off and enjoy a long soak in the bath or whatever it is you would enjoy. This would be good for both of them, a bit of bonding time if you like.

All I can recommend is lots and lots of open and honest communication. When feelings of resentment and anger build up it can be very destructive to the foundations of a relationship. Deal with any problems rather than papering over cracks and you give yourselves a chance of getting back on track and being happy.

With regard to the self harming, I have no experience of this at all. I must admit it was the part of your post that alarmed me the most. I would urge you to seek help for addressing this with your gp. Would counselling help you at all either with your husband or some independant counselling just for yourself.

Take care and I wish you all the best.

lika_86

Hushpuppie wrote: »

Do any of stay at home mums feel they are taken for granted? I snapped the other day because I never get a thankyou and feel like its 'my job' to do house chores dont get me wrong I do housework and all the washing etc as husband is at work all day, he does change nappies etc on our 21 month old when he gets home,he does what he can but my daughter usually wants to sit on my lap at dinner and wants my attention more than anyones so I never get any peace.

Do you ever thank your husband for going out and earning the money?

As a stay at home mum, it is your 'job' to do the majority of household chores, you surely don't expect him to work all day and then come home and do the cleaning and washing too do you? You say he does what he can with your daughter when he does get home, so it sounds like he does try.

I think you both need to make time for each other and work on your relationship and be honest with each other as to how you both feel. It's the only way you can address the issues you have.

quinechinoise

There are 3 separate issues here: #1 how you feel as a SAHM, #2 your depression and self-harm and #3 your husband's roving eye.

It is unacceptable for your husband to be an active member of a dating site: he is married to you and you have the right to expect faithfulness and commitment. You must talk to him about this, if it is not already resolved.

There are no snap answers for depression and self-harm. I can only wish you well and remind you to seek appropriate help e.g. from your GP.

Not everyone feels fulfilled and content as a SAHM. Being a homemaker and childcarer IS a job, albeit (financially) unpaid and without appraisals. People don't work for thanks - they work to get "paid" with money or a clean home and happy children. If you don't enjoy being a SAHM, perhaps it's time to consider another "career". You will not harm your child by putting them in daycare and/or hiring a cleaner. It's the start of a new year - go for it!

themull1

I would love to be a stay at home mam! I don't get thanks every time i cook a meal either. I would have just said 'did you like it' and they would hopefully have said yes. I wouldn't expect a cheer and clapping just because i'd made a meal from scratch especially if you stay at home all day.

meritaten

on the one hand there is an element of 'taking for granted' in a relationship I think - on the other there is plain 'good manners'. Yes, I expect the family to say whether they enjoyed a meal 'That was nice' or 'I really enjoyed that meal' is as good as a thank you to me.
I dont expect to be thanked for cleaning the house, doing the washing etc on the daily basis.


Next time you have made a special effort with a meal or whatever - treat them like two-year olds! Prompt them..........ask 'Did you enjoy that as I made it especially/just for you/ just as you like it'?
or even say yourself as you are clearing away 'Thanks hun - that was absolutely gorgeous'! sometimes a little sarcasm disguised as a joke will shame them into good manners!

Goldiegirl

lika_86 wrote: »

Do you ever thank your husband for going out and earning the money?

As a stay at home mum, it is your 'job' to do the majority of household chores, you surely don't expect him to work all day and then come home and do the cleaning and washing too do you? You say he does what he can with your daughter when he does get home, so it sounds like he does try.

I think you both need to make time for each other and work on your relationship and be honest with each other as to how you both feel. It's the only way you can address the issues you have.

The first thing that crossed my mind was, does the husband get any thanks for earning the money?

Also, if it's making you feel stressed and unhappy, you don't have to make home made soups and cakes all the time. It seems to be your choice to do it that way, so although it'd be nice for them to thank you from time to time, it's not something to get hung up on.

The things that are worrying are the dating site and the self harm.

I can only suggest at a time when you aren't feeling to stressed, sit down with him, tell him you appreciate his efforts for the family ( if you do appreciate it, of course) but you are feeling under valued, and also hurt by the dating site issue

Also with the self harm thing, maybe see the doctor, perhaps he could refer you to someone who could help you.

minimoneysaver

I think it just comes down to plain manners and showing a bit of appreciation for a good meal. Take for example when you are in a restaurant, it is good manners to thank the waitress for a lovely meal as they are clearing the plate, but I expect that there are people who do not do it. I love the tip from Meritaten about the scarcasm! Worth a try.

Regarding the other elephant in the room, your depression. It needs addressing and talking about. You will not have your baby taken from you by admitting to your GP that you need some help.

I haven't noticed your posts before, but what did you do before you met your husband and got pregnant? Maybe you are yearning for some of your past career back?

notanewuser

lika_86 wrote: »

Do you ever thank your husband for going out and earning the money?

As a stay at home mum, it is your 'job' to do the majority of household chores, you surely don't expect him to work all day and then come home and do the cleaning and washing too do you? You say he does what he can with your daughter when he does get home, so it sounds like he does try.

I think you both need to make time for each other and work on your relationship and be honest with each other as to how you both feel. It's the only way you can address the issues you have.

What an old fashioned view.

As a stay at home parent I provide the childcare. That's more of a full time job than my OH has. Just because I'm not paid for it doesn't mean I must be the family skivvy.

OH works 8-10 hours a day, 5 days a week. I work 24/7.

I do do the cooking, washing, household management and finances (as well as working 2 afternoons a week as a consultant). But that's not an expectation, it's just how it works.

lika_86

notanewuser wrote: »

What an old fashioned view.

As a stay at home parent I provide the childcare. That's more of a full time job than my OH has. Just because I'm not paid for it doesn't mean I must be the family skivvy.

OH works 8-10 hours a day, 5 days a week. I work 24/7.

I do do the cooking, washing, household management and finances (as well as working 2 afternoons a week as a consultant). But that's not an expectation, it's just how it works.

Bit of an exaggeration, no? 24/7, ridiculous.

I also cannot believe that you spend all day caring for your child(ren). I'm not saying that someone who stays at home should be the family skivvy but it's obviously easier to put the washing in/take it out/hang it on the line/put some dinner in the oven/run round with a vac between looking after a child than when at work out of the home all day.

At weekends I would expect the division of cooking/washing up/childcare etc to be shared but during the day in the week, I would expect the majority of household work to be done by the person at home.

Person_one

Quichenoise has given you good advice on the other elements of your post, but I just wanted to point that its just good manners to thank the cook after a meal. We've always done it in our family, its as automatic as please and thank you, its nothing to do with who earns the money and who is at home all day. I'd start insisting on a thank you before the plates hit the table.