Hoarding - A New Start

tattycath

lostinrates wrote: »

I think you are lucky. . Does that sound crazy and unsympathetic.? I hope not, it's not meant to. Let me explain....
No, You don't sound crazy and unsympathetic.
To have closeness with your mother, a great husband and children......and the knowledge of how important your art in their self worth is...this is such luck! You are right...you have had from your experience the tools you need to create for those children something wonderful, and for you a ......bubble of white sheepness...with your kids he has not been lucky enough to share with you. You will get to experience this.
I still see my Dad, I quite feel for him really, it's like I don't think he can help himself and his staunch defence of some of my siblings.
We all feel like black sheep at times I think. In reality I think most of us are only Jacobs.

lostinrates wrote: »

For some it is. For me it most definitely is not. Going over things doesn't help me at all. Quietly recognising them and moving on is what works for me.

Counselling in the past I think was actually extremely damaging for me, and wasted a lot of my time in moving forward, and controlling my own life and feelings. There are circumstances I would...as mediation if I were having a difficult relationship, as a current problem. For old ones, nope, not for me.

But for those who feel differently, do it, now, so that the future is sooner iyswim.

I have had counselling in the past-many years ago. The turning point was when my counsellor told me to write a letter to certain people to tell them how they had 'ruined my life'. This was a great turning point for me as i realised that they had only 'ruined my life' if I let them. My life was too important to me to let them ruin my life because if I was to let that happen they would have won...
I don't think I'd have counselling again-not for that anyway

lostinrates

Byatt wrote: »

LIR, the counsellor I'm seeing said to me when we first met that we could go over and over injustices from the past or we could find a way for Byatt to move on without that, which is what we are doing, when the past is mentioned it's to do with how I react now to things and the remembered feelings that relate to then, but hinder me now. I wanted to react differently and not behave in a ptsd sort of way every time the phone rings for instance!

I'm getting rid of the baggage although it is painful.

Tatty, hugs...xx

That sounds great.:)

I still don't think it's right for me,:p or for everyone, but think it's right for some people.


I am aware of legacies for me in how I act now, for good and bad.

Fwiw, I LOVE call screening:). I will deal with everything on the answerphone, when I have had a think about it.

tattycath

Well I certainly feel like a few of us have decluttered our heads tonight if nothing else. so that's positive...
Onwards and upwards...

lobbyludd

tattycath wrote: »

This made me well up a bit-this is me exactly. I've had these feelings for years. The biggest problem I have is that I can't get over the fact that my Dad has never shown or told me he's proud of anything I've done. He's belittled me and made me feel worthless but never made me feel really loved or valued. I've tried talking to him about it and he just switches off. It's never going to be resolved and he's not getting any younger..... I just know that one day he'll not be there anymore and i'll never have had those feelings of him being proud of me. Sounds like I'm being petty doesn't it? but not to me...
sorry ...my mad ramblings...

I hope you don't mind - I lurk quite a bit on this thread as I definitely imbue objects with emotional attachments that they don't deserve and have hoarder tendencies.

I struggle a lot with feeling "wrong"/"alien" - not broken or damaged, because that would imply I was somehow Ok at some point and something had happened to me that broke/damaged me. I am working with a counsellor on this and it is helping immensely, not raking over old experiences - she doesn't do that, but challenging me to bring those deep-felt feelings and beliefs to the surface, and in explaining them to her, shedding light on them, they are losing their power.

my dad can be a difficult person, he belittles and "teases" to the point of down-right bullying and I spent my growing years thinking he didn't think much of me. Ironically, marrying, and having children with an abusive alcoholic, changed my view of my dad: I can see that my (now ex) loves our children to the absolute limit of his ability and is beyond proud of them, but he is severely limited emotionally and can not turn those feelings into the day to day care, support and demonstrations of love that growing children need (he can manage an hour or two at a time, and none of the difficult stuff - although he does tell them he is proud of them). In realising his limitations were a reflection of him, and not our children, I could see that my dad's were about him, not me. He didn't choose to be this limited, and would be so aghast that I felt this way that he would not be able to process it, so I don't talk to him about it, I am now able to accept that he loves me and is as proud of his children as it is possible for him to be.

He was formed by people who were damaged in their own way and struggled to overcome some of that conditioning, and I am very grateful that his personal emotional progress has allowed me to progress further: I dearly hope my kids can get further than me.

I'm sure it's co-incidence, but at the same time I started accepting him as who he is, and not expecting things he was unable to give, our relationship got easier and he is now more demonstrative of his acceptance of me (he remarried and became a granddad, all of which has softened him, so I'm not claiming this changes other people) but I started to realise that he had been demonstrating it all along - but in his own peculiar ways - none of which I could recognise as a child.

hope this doesn't sound trite, or dismissive of the feelings you hold - it didn't come to me overnight, and relates to my experience.

Lx

tattycath

lobbyludd wrote: »

I hope you don't mind - I lurk quite a bit on this thread as I definitely imbue objects with emotional attachments that they don't deserve and have hoarder tendencies.

I struggle a lot with feeling "wrong"/"alien" - not broken or damaged, because that would imply I was somehow Ok at some point and something had happened to me that broke/damaged me. I am working with a counsellor on this and it is helping immensely, not raking over old experiences - she doesn't do that, but challenging me to bring those deep-felt feelings and beliefs to the surface, and in explaining them to her, shedding light on them, they are losing their power.

my dad can be a difficult person, he belittles and "teases" to the point of down-right bullying and I spent my growing years thinking he didn't think much of me. Ironically, marrying, and having children with an abusive alcoholic, changed my view of my dad: I can see that my (now ex) loves our children to the absolute limit of his ability and is beyond proud of them, but he is severely limited emotionally and can not turn those feelings into the day to day care, support and demonstrations of love that growing children need (he can manage an hour or two at a time, and none of the difficult stuff - although he does tell them he is proud of them). In realising his limitations were a reflection of him, and not our children, I could see that my dad's were about him, not me. He didn't choose to be this limited, and would be so aghast that I felt this way that he would not be able to process it, so I don't talk to him about it, I am now able to accept that he loves me and is as proud of his children as it is possible for him to be.

He was formed by people who were damaged in their own way and struggled to overcome some of that conditioning, and I am very grateful that his personal emotional progress has allowed me to progress further: I dearly hope my kids can get further than me.

I'm sure it's co-incidence, but at the same time I started accepting him as who he is, and not expecting things he was unable to give, our relationship got easier and he is now more demonstrative of his acceptance of me (he remarried and became a granddad, all of which has softened him, so I'm not claiming this changes other people) but I started to realise that he had been demonstrating it all along - but in his own peculiar ways - none of which I could recognise as a child.

hope this doesn't sound trite, or dismissive of the feelings you hold - it didn't come to me overnight, and relates to my experience.

Lx

Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences. I really appreciate it. I'm sure that alot of what you have said could be attributed to why my I feel about my Father being undemonstrative etc.
When I saw your username it made me smile. My ex used to say 'you are lobbyludd you owe me £5.00' apparently it was on the radio or in the newspaper when he was a young man (he was alot older than me).

blossomhill_2

lobbyludd wrote: »

In realising his limitations were a reflection of him, and not our children, I could see that my dad's were about him, not me. He didn't choose to be this limited, and would be so aghast that I felt this way that he would not be able to process it, so I don't talk to him about it, I am now able to accept that he loves me and is as proud of his children as it is possible for him to be

That's amazing and eloquently put. Incidentally my dad was always genuinely astounded when we told him that something he'd said was upsetting to the receiver - he was just stating a fact, as far as he saw it

GQ and oithers who declutter aspirational hobbies - if you dispose of your craftware and regret it later, you could promise yourslf that you will go back to it in a controlled way as and when you have the time and inclination - so if you say want to knit again, get a box set to make a scarf, to test out whether you really miss the hobby or the acquisition of copious amounts of yarn

Byatt - does your phone still have the same ringtone as the one from when you were receiving difficult calls?

tattycath

blossomhill wrote: »

That's amazing and eloquently put. Incidentally my dad was always genuinely astounded when we told him that something he'd said was upsetting to the receiver - he was just stating a fact, as far as he saw it

GQ and oithers who declutter aspirational hobbies - if you dispose of your craftware and regret it later, you could promise yourslf that you will go back to it in a controlled way as and when you have the time and inclination - so if you say want to knit again, get a box set to make a scarf, to test out whether you really miss the hobby or the acquisition of copious amounts of yarn

Byatt - does your phone still have the same ringtone as the one from when you were receiving difficult calls?

Yes, I have to agree it was eloquently put. However, I can also say that my Dad was never aghast at how I felt. Mt Dad very much called a spade a spade and said what he saw-he was / is also judgemental. But not so much now he's getting older. xx

Catriona_P

lobbyludd wrote: »

my dad can be a difficult person, he belittles and "teases" to the point of down-right bullying and I spent my growing years thinking he didn't think much of me. Ironically, marrying, and having children with an abusive alcoholic, changed my view of my dad: I can see that my (now ex) loves our children to the absolute limit of his ability and is beyond proud of them, but he is severely limited emotionally and can not turn those feelings into the day to day care, support and demonstrations of love that growing children need (he can manage an hour or two at a time, and none of the difficult stuff - although he does tell them he is proud of them). In realising his limitations were a reflection of him, and not our children, I could see that my dad's were about him, not me. He didn't choose to be this limited, and would be so aghast that I felt this way that he would not be able to process it, so I don't talk to him about it, I am now able to accept that he loves me and is as proud of his children as it is possible for him to be.

He was formed by people who were damaged in their own way and struggled to overcome some of that conditioning, and I am very grateful that his personal emotional progress has allowed me to progress further: I dearly hope my kids can get further than me.

I'm sure it's co-incidence, but at the same time I started accepting him as who he is, and not expecting things he was unable to give, our relationship got easier and he is now more demonstrative of his acceptance of me (he remarried and became a granddad, all of which has softened him, so I'm not claiming this changes other people) but I started to realise that he had been demonstrating it all along - but in his own peculiar ways - none of which I could recognise as a child.

hope this doesn't sound trite, or dismissive of the feelings you hold - it didn't come to me overnight, and relates to my experience. Lx

Thank you for posting this tonight. I have a difficult relationship with my Dad (the primary cause of my hoarding) and after many years of struggle we have reached a truce that we are both comfortable with. Despite it all we are closer now than we've ever been, but contact is on our own terms - and mostly by email.

On the flip side, my marriage is failing, for lots of reasons. Tonight my husband has told me he wants a divorce. He's like my Dad - loving our child to the best of his ability, but he neither loves nor respects me, and I think that's the killer.

Anyway, declutter going ok here.

VJsmum

decogecko wrote: »

The biggest, most overwhelming feeling I need to derichard is the lifelong feeling of I'm not good enough.


Deco

But don't we all think this? I spend my whole life waiting to be found out. Whilst I don't think I'm good enough, I do think I'm "good enough" (see my sig - I'm trying to stick to the adage). It's strange, I had a reasonably tough childhood and my mum made some mistakes, for sure as did Dad and Stepdad. I have never blamed them - mum particularly did what she thought was right. The fact that she was wrong holds no bitterness for me. I would hate to be judged by what i've got wrong with my own two. I realise that my "tough" childhood wasn't as tough as some but I can only judge my own experiences.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, it does help to put things into perspective.

Patchwork_Quilt

Just popped in to say I am still here and reading all posts, but there's no decluttering going on in this direction! In fact, DH thinks we are too decluttered - he wanted a piece of cork this afternoon and we couldn't find one, whereas in former times we would have had loads of useful bits and pieces. Unfortunately, however, we are not totally decluttered. 'Just resting' covers it.

Keep up the good work, folks. And sisterly hugs for those that need one.