Hoarding - A New Start

lostinrates

tattycath wrote: »

This made me well up a bit-this is me exactly. I've had these feelings for years. The biggest problem I have is that I can't get over the fact that my Dad has never shown or told me he's proud of anything I've done. He's belittled me and made me feel worthless but never made me feel really loved or valued. I've tried talking to him about it and he just switches off. It's never going to be resolved and he's not getting any younger..... I just know that one day he'll not be there anymore and i'll never have had those feelings of him being proud of me. Sounds like I'm being petty doesn't it? but not to me...
sorry ...my mad ramblings...

I sympathise with this. I would say, though we have a decent relationship as adults, I think I could say the same about both my parents.

I am lucky, I realised quite young I wasn't going to get this and after seeking a life where I didn't need 'traditional' relationships got it all out of my system...well mos of it, very early.

It makes me sad for the child, the young woman I wa, but not so my for the woman I am now. I cannot really explain it...I have ok relationships on very 'unusual' terms with both parents...one lives with me. But it's not close, not how people imagine when the understand my parents both wanted to live with me on their separation.

I have found great, great happiness with my husband, and it's a remarkable feeling, the one of unconditional love and support. I am constantly awed by its presence in my life. I am sad we cannot have children, I would have liked to have more of this feeling!, but once is enough. Having it has made me compassionate for other members of my family who I don't think have felt this ever from parents, for children. Love...yes, I am sure...but in a prince Charles sort of 'whatever that is' sort of way. Lots of responsibilty and 'because you do get marrie and have children...it's what's done'.

It sounds very sad but I am mainly not feeling that way about it. Mainly I feel...who could have thought after generations of this I am lucky enough to get the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. It's really terribly lucky.

Brighton_belle

blossomhill wrote: »

is this thread dying a death? It's usually on page 2 now and altho getting 10+ thanks per post, the postings are slowing down ... are we so buried under our piles we can't even find our PCs, I wonder?

Tough on hoarding ... tough on the causes of hoarding

:)I'm reading, just nothing extra energy wise to post replies, not helped my my needing to hold the plug connection to my laptop in with one hand - it keeps falling out and then the battery dies within 1 minute.
I need to make a decsion re a new lap top really as it is playing up, but I am deferring the evil hour as I know diddly squat about choosing another one.

No clutter clearing for me these last few weeks, which I am fine about: I'll get another clutter busting energy burst in due course. In the mean time I have been very busy enjoying a very unexpected opportunity to make stuff I love: one of the spin offs of decluttering is I now have space for new fun opportunities to come into my life and this has been one of them: thank you universe:D

tattycath

lostinrates wrote: »

I sympathise with this. I would say, though we have a decent relationship as adults, I think I could say the same about both my parents.

I am lucky, I realised quite young I wasn't going to get this and after seeking a life where I didn't need 'traditional' relationships got it all out of my system...well mos of it, very early.

It makes me sad for the child, the young woman I wa, but not so my for the woman I am now. I cannot really explain it...I have ok relationships on very 'unusual' terms with both parents...one lives with me. But it's not close, not how people imagine when the understand my parents both wanted to live with me on their separation.

I have found great, great happiness with my husband, and it's a remarkable feeling, the one of unconditional love and support. I am constantly awed by its presence in my life. I am sad we cannot have children, I would have liked to have more of this feeling!, but once is enough. Having it has made me compassionate for other members of my family who I don't think have felt this ever from parents, for children. Love...yes, I am sure...but in a prince Charles sort of 'whatever that is' sort of way. Lots of responsibilty and 'because you do get marrie and have children...it's what's done'.

It sounds very sad but I am mainly not feeling that way about it. Mainly I feel...who could have thought after generations of this I am lucky enough to get the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. It's really terribly lucky.

I'm so please you have found happiness. .
Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy with my DH. and extremely lucky to have him. I'm happy with who I am now and strongly believe that everything we experience (good and bad) makes us the person we are today. However, I wish I could have had a stronger closer bond with my father. I'm sure he loves me-in his own way and I'm extremely close to my mum (despite everything). i just feel like the black sheep. There is a personality clash (apparently we are very alike-although i don't see this).
I'm immensely proud of my children and tell them this often. DH is my rock-he understands me and he's my everything. xx

short_bird

tattycath wrote: »

Does anyone or has anyone used amazon trade in to get rid of books etc please? if so is it any good iyo?

Works for me for some items: I use them for the larger non fiction books and wait till they have an offer such as "extra £5 if you trade in £10+ of books".

Is it quiet this week 'cos everyone's making the most of the weather - well, if they can.

This_Year

Byatt, Decko and Cath, ((hugs)) to you. You've done so well, it's probably going to catch up and pull you back to a bad place, I know for me, that even though I haven't physically decluttered half as much as I wanted to by now, and my lounge is in a state of lived in tidiness that I would be happy to invite someone in I have found myself analysing things that happened to me years ago.

Childhood injustices, bullying, wrongful accusations (wonderful siblings I have) and generally being disbelieved as a child/teen (forever in the wrong, as other people must always know better than you) all these have been parading through my mind and causing me no little hurt in recollections. Maybe counselling is the answer though it seems a bit sad to be upset over things that happened so long ago?

If you're told to shut up enough you just do.

My relationship with my parents has never recovered and I haven't seen any of my own family in years.

lostinrates

tattycath wrote: »

I'm so please you have found happiness. .
Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy with my DH. and extremely lucky to have him. I'm happy with who I am now and strongly believe that everything we experience (good and bad) makes us the person we are today. However, I wish I could have had a stronger closer bond with my father. I'm sure he loves me-in his own way and I'm extremely close to my mum (despite everything). i just feel like the black sheep. There is a personality clash (apparently we are very alike-although i don't see this).
I'm immensely proud of my children and tell them this often. DH is my rock-he understands me and he's my everything. xx

I think you are lucky. . Does that sound crazy and unsympathetic.? I hope not, it's not meant to. Let me explain....

To have closeness with your mother, a great husband and children......and the knowledge of how important your art in their self worth is...this is such luck! You are right...you have had from your experience the tools you need to create for those children something wonderful, and for you a ......bubble of white sheepness...with your kids he has not been lucky enough to share with you. You will get to experience this.

We all feel like black sheep at times I think. In reality I think most of us are only Jacobs.

lostinrates

This_Year wrote: »

. Maybe counselling is the answer though it seems a bit sad to be upset over things that happened so long ago?
.

For some it is. For me it most definitely is not. Going over things doesn't help me at all. Quietly recognising them and moving on is what works for me.

Counselling in the past I think was actually extremely damaging for me, and wasted a lot of my time in moving forward, and controlling my own life and feelings. There are circumstances I would...as mediation if I were having a difficult relationship, as a current problem. For old ones, nope, not for me.

But for those who feel differently, do it, now, so that the future is sooner iyswim.

tattycath

This_Year wrote: »

Byatt, Decko and Cath, ((hugs)) to you. You've done so well, it's probably going to catch up and pull you back to a bad place, I know for me, that even though I haven't physically decluttered half as much as I wanted to by now, and my lounge is in a state of lived in tidiness that I would be happy to invite someone in I have found myself analysing things that happened to me years ago.

Childhood injustices, bullying, wrongful accusations (wonderful siblings I have) and generally being disbelieved as a child/teen (forever in the wrong, as other people must always know better than you) all these have been parading through my mind and causing me no little hurt in recollections. Maybe counselling is the answer though it seems a bit sad to be upset over things that happened so long ago?

If you're told to shut up enough you just do.

My relationship with my parents has never recovered and I haven't seen any of my own family in years.

(((hugs))) to you too. I don't often let it get me down but every now and again my mask slips and I remember all the injustices and being blamed and horrible hurtful childhood memories and it gets 'a bit much'. I try and avoid (with much success) certain members of my family.
Most of the time I'm fine. and feel very much loved.

JayneC

I'm still here and find this thread really supportive. I wouldn't have moved forward, well much at all really, without it. I think some people have put themselves 'out there' recently and that can be bit scary and I know when I do that I tend to hide back a bit for a while to come to terms with what happened, maybe people are just needing to have a bit of reflection for a while but I'm sure they'll be back...

Not done a great deal of decluttering today, didn't even get round to cleaning the sink... But still feeling positive and will get to it. Have washed up straight after tea, which I'm desparately trying to make a habit as that was something I tended to put off and then I'd have stacks of dishes needing cleaning and feel chained to the sink by the time I got round to it.

Take care everyone x

Byatt

LIR, the counsellor I'm seeing said to me when we first met that we could go over and over injustices from the past or we could find a way for Byatt to move on without that, which is what we are doing, when the past is mentioned it's to do with how I react now to things and the remembered feelings that relate to then, but hinder me now. I wanted to react differently and not behave in a ptsd sort of way every time the phone rings for instance!

I'm getting rid of the baggage although it is painful.

Tatty, hugs...xx