Time to stop pretending it will be ok!

LannieDuck

Wow, that sounds like a great experience for your son Take plenty of hankies!

amorge

well done on making the payment that will bring it to 220k

julie2710

Well today is the day of my son's first stage performance. Sun is shining and I'm happy, nervous for him and excited all in one!

It's not been the best of weeks so far if I'm honest. Made the mistake of visiting my parents on Sunday. From the minute we walked in my mum was moaning and whining about anything she could find a problem with. "3 and a half hours isn't enough to get from the show on Saturday pm to pick my brother up go back again" it's a half hour journey! "If we go to my cousins BBQ in the afternoon I'll have to watch the boys on the bouncy castle because don't want him getting hurt and missing the show plus the BBQ will be packed" etc etc :mad: I sometimes wonder why I bother Then things just got worse. My dad clearly favours DS1 which is bad enough in itself but he then compounds it by picking on DS2 constantly. He can be quite nasty with it sometimes and both myself and my auntie have mentioned it to him before. Well DS1 decided to attack DS2 with a pole while he was sat in the chair outside. So I tell DS1 off and my dad comes in and starts shouting at DS2, pointing in his face. I have to say I was pretty angry and I'm not proud at what I did but I ended up shouting at my dad. Not good in front if the kids and I was also bought up to respect parents but I'm just fed up of the way he picks on DS2. He has smacked him before now. Anyway, the long shot is I ended up walking out. I'm still pretty angry about the whole thing to be honest. Even my mum refused to stand up for DS2 and she had seen exactly what had happened where my dad hadn't. I'm supposed to be giving them a lift to the theatre on Thursday afternoon but I'm almost inclined to not contact them and let them contact me. I always put myself out for them, spent most of my holiday week taking my mum up the hospital to see my dad, my brother didn't go once and he lives as close as I do plus my mum walked to his house, picked up his washing and did it then delivered it back ironed while he went away for the weekend. He's 42 :mad: The whole thing just makes me so sad. For me family is really important and I couldn't ever imagine being the way with my boys that my parents are with me. It's just as though they don't care and I seem to have (and still do) spend my whole life trying to get them to be proud of me and doing all I can to help them. I wish I could just give up on it because at the end of the day all I get is to feel hurt, criticised and rejected.

Sorry, needed to get that out. On top of that ex has now said his shifts are changing so he can't have the boys overnight on his fortnightly access unless I pick them up and drop them off! This will mean trying to get childminders if I want to do any extra work plus it's an hour round trip, all still while I get no maintenance

I think as well as my financial overhaul I need a friend overhaul too. Just like my parents, I seem to have friends who I am there for but are never there when I need someone. I'm feeling pretty alone at the minute

Right enough self pity, dry eyes, finish coffee, and on with the day

System

Julie I just wanted to send you a hug families can be amazing at times but equally frustrating. Your dad was out of order (your mum was no better but maybe she is scared to go against your dad?) and I think you did right to shout at him. I respect my parents but that's cos they've earnt it, whereas your dad's behaviour is disrespectful. No idea how he can favour one boy over the other!!!

As for your friends, I wouldn't bother relying on them any more. It's sad but the world is full of selfish people. Where abouts in the country are you? Online forums (like this!!:D) are great places to meet friends (and men ) hehe.

Your ex is an idiot. The kids no doubt miss him but I wouldn't bother running around for him any more. Tell him you'll never stop him from seeing his children but he's gonna have to pick them up etc. You need to start looking out for number 1 right now. When the boys are older they'll soon realise what a waste of space he is.

Chin up hunny. As you said the sun is shining & you've got your son's first stage performance coming up

LannieDuck

Oh dear

Re your ex: seriously? He has them once a fortnight and can't find the time to pick them up? Perhaps he'd like to consider how difficult he'd find it to have them full time... like you do.

I think both problems you have are the same - your ex and your parents. They both take advantage of you, knowing that you're a good person and want to make things work. So you'll run around putting everything right, and they won't have to do it themselves.

Stop it. You have plenty on your plate as it is - working full time, bringing up two lovely sons, paying off debt. I don't know how you get time to do it all, and you certainly don't need to be doing all your ex's and your parent's odd jobs that they decide they don't want to do.

I completely agree with loopybecs - tell your ex you'll never stop him seeing the boys on his weekend, but you can only do the journey one way (assuming that's what you do now?). How he arranges his own life to do the other part of the journey is up to him.

Similar with your parents - stop running around after them. If you'd like to help them out sometimes (e.g. with hospital trips), that's fine of course, but do it when it's convenient for you. Maybe you only have time to take them once or twice, so don't be bullied into more. You're doing them a favour. And as you say, there are other people who can take them if you can't.

I would also question whether you really want to take your sons over to visit your father so often if he treats you and DS2 so badly. If not for yourself, then for your son's sake, maybe you should consider reducing contact?

LannieDuck

I missed some of the details at end of your post when I read it.

julie2710 wrote: »

It's just as though they don't care and I seem to have (and still do) spend my whole life trying to get them to be proud of me and doing all I can to help them. I wish I could just give up on it because at the end of the day all I get is to feel hurt, criticised and rejected.

You can. You're an adult and they're adults. They've made their choices, and you get to make yours.

What's stopping you?

julie2710 wrote: »

Sorry, needed to get that out. On top of that ex has now said his shifts are changing so he can't have the boys overnight on his fortnightly access unless I pick them up and drop them off! This will mean trying to get childminders if I want to do any extra work plus it's an hour round trip, all still while I get no maintenance

Definitely don't start paying out for childminders. You're doing great reducing your debt (IIRC it's really your ex's debt as well...). You need that time to work. Just as he's claiming he has to work. His work doesn't trump yours.

And I can't remember why you don't get maintenance? Esp if 'his shifts are changing', it means he's back in work?

julie2710

Thanks for the replies. LannieDuck I know I can make the choice about my parents, I just find it really hard as they are my parents and to me family is really important. Unfortunately it seems I'm the only one in m family who feels that way. You think after all this time I would have learnt my lesson but they do take advantage and I do need to start putting me first.

My ex was unemployed for 3 years so I got £88.57 in that time. He started work a little while ago now. The CSA phoned me to tell me he was no longer on benefits and I told them where he was working. They then decided to write to him to check and when he didn't reply they just filed everything. So they are currently playing cat and mouse with him. With him ignoring all correspondence. I phoned them again yesterday and they have now spoken to his employer but apparently forms they were supposed to fax over went missing (you couldn't make it up!) So now they have to do them again, they said they can't give any indication of when I might see any money though! Pity we don't work like part of the states and just lock up fathers who don't pay maintenance. That court order stating he should pay £50 a week was a complete waste if time

LannieDuck

Hopefully the CSA will be able to claim back-child support tho, once it gets up and running. Fingers crossed!

I understand that family's important. There's a balance between helping them out and being taken advantage of. I think you're on the latter side atm, but with only a little effort you should be able to get back in balance

julie2710

Grrrrrr! Just typical of what happens! Ex is going to see DS1 at the show tonight and he has just text me saying "Any chance of you dropping me off near home tonight? I don't fancy walking through Portsmouth on my own at 10pm" not even a please:mad:
The thing is I don't really feel I can tell him to get lost as I virtually drive past his on the way back

LannieDuck

julie2710 wrote: »

Grrrrrr! Just typical of what happens! Ex is going to see DS1 at the show tonight and he has just text me saying "Any chance of you dropping me off near home tonight? I don't fancy walking through Portsmouth on my own at 10pm" not even a please:mad:
The thing is I don't really feel I can tell him to get lost as I virtually drive past his on the way back

I reckon if you're going past his place anyway, then there's no harm done.