am i wrong to feel so hurt?

valk_scot

When I was a student in my twenties I went out with a man who was 42 and far better off than me. He was lovely, he was fun and a great talker and I felt good about being with him. What didn't make me feel good was the way he kept tabs on money. He wasn't ungenerous, quite the opposite in fact and was always trying to treat me but I always had this nagging feeling that he expected a more rapid degree of commitment because of it. Not being a gold digger it had quite the opposite effect on me, I'd have been more than happy with a meal ot in the local Italian or drink in the pub but he wanted to not only take me somewhere posh, he'd want to buy me the outfit to wear there iyswim. Things came to a head when he gave me a joint credit card for my birthday, eek, so I could get some nice gear for us to go away for the weekends and holidays he wanted to treat me to. (No, he wasn't married, I'd even met his mum by that point.)

I felt really pressurised by then as we'd only been going out for five or six months so I broke it off. I handed back his (unused) credit card but he still got quite upset and said I "owed" him for the gifts he'd insisted on giving me. (These consisted of four outfits and some nice costume jewellry, some books and a CD player btw.) So I gave them back too. To give him his due I think he did like me, a lot, but the way he'd been brought up and the point he was in his life made him a bit more materialistic than me and he somehow felt that cash factored into the emotional side of things.

Anyway, this is to illustrate a point which is to say to the OP DON'T start counting relationships in terms of how much you've spent, it becomes painfully obvious after a while that you're doing it and when you start feeling the balance has not being going your way. If you can't give gifts without feeling you're owed something in return, don't give them. It's not a nice feeling to feel you're expected to give love for cash, however benignly meant. Or that someone who says he loves you is keeping a set of virtual accounts on what he's spending. I sometimes think where that relationship might have gone, I don't think I would have been happy.

Mara69

For the love of all that is holy - stop listening to complete strangers on the Internet and TALK TO HER. People on these forums will either tell you to leave her or not - but they know nothing about you or her. For sure, we are only getting your version of events and they could be very skewed.

So you didn't like your gifts and think you spent more than she did? Big deal. So she wanted to spend Christmas with friends? Again, big deal. When I first starting dating my husband we spent our first Christmas apart.

If you feel unloved and that you are wanting more from the relationship than her, then tell her. Ask her how she sees the relationship progressing. Find out what she wants from the relationship then make a decision if what she wants is the same as you. If not, part company.

To be honest, you sound very needy.

thegirlintheattic

I think you are overreacting at the presents - some people are just crap at present buying. I got a very expensive present from OH, he got household stuff that he wanted (expensive but not as expensive).

As for spending Christmas, if she was spending it with friends I do think that is a bit unfair. We spend our Christmases apart but it's because we both want to see our families but logistics make seeing one one day and one the other impossible.

I'd have a long talk with her and see if you are on the same page re: the seriousness of the relationship.

Bogof_Babe

When I thought the OP was male I thought glasses and a pen were pretty good gifts, given that men are notoriously difficult to buy for. Now we know she is a woman, I have more sympathy for her feeling let down that so little thought appeared to have gone into the gifts. There's so much more scope for buying for a woman, and especially one you are involved with as you would presumably know what her likes and dislikes are.

I think the glasses and pen were... impersonal, for want of a better word. Unless they had previously had a conversation about needing new glasses, or fancying a decent pen, that is. But if that were the case I doubt the OP would be so disappointed.

Primrose

I feel maybe there is a missmatch in your affections for each other. It truly sounds as if you are more committed to her than she is to you and that is obviously a painful fact for you to face. Or your lifestyles are rather different and she's not prepared to adapt. Christmas is an emotional time for those who love others and those emotions are often fragile if insecurity is involved.
However, perhaps with the New Year coming, it is time for you to try and honestly ask yourself if you are really sufficiently suited to each other to be able to spend a lifetime together. It may be that you are not and you are "in love with love" rather than truly in love with each other. If that's the painful case, maybe you should consider withdrawing and giving yourself some space to think about whether it's time to end the relationship and find somebody who considers you sufficiently important to wants to spend the special times of the year with.

saddo1

thanks for all the responses. just want to clarify a few things.

she met my friends and family premturely because i was laid up after an operation (for 8 weeks) they visted and she was here on occassion. also, i had wanted her to meet close friends, wanted them to know who i was seeing and i think you get a better picture of a person when theyre in company- we get on well just the two of us alone but its a bit unreal if thats all you do.

the holidays- i wanted a break after the op, she had no money so we agreed she's pay for the next one. it suited us both. im not lady bountiful, but i live by an ideal of reciprocating i suppose- when ive been short, friends help out and vice vesra. i can see ive concentrated too much on money here- perhaps i felt i should because its a money saving site? the 2nd short break was again paid for by me but she was going half- shes disorganised and hasnt got round to it yet. i think we are just very different in this sense. i hate owing money.

yes of course ive spoekn with her about how i feel, im not a total imbecile. she says well thats not how it is and swears she loves me so much and i end up feeling im being unreasonable. hence asking interent strangers for some input- i dont want you to tell me what to do, i wanted a reality check because im going round in circles with it.

bottom line, im getting increasingly depressed and its not meeting my (many?) needs

she says the right things but i dont feel she does them as such. example- yesterday she knew i was low but didnt communicate with me all day (after popping in). i suppose i behave differently- i look afetr people and i'd be really concerned if she was upset. she doesnt seem to be bothered. her choice of course, i cant make her care, or make me someone im not

January20

This last post of yours shows what different people you two are, and I'm wondering whether these differences make you incompatible.

Really, after all your posts, I don't think she cares as much about you as you do about her. As for the money she owes you, don't make excuses for her or you'll end up being owed a lot more than half of the last holiday. Being disorganised is not an excuse for not paying your way, or settling a debt with a loved one.

She may say the right things but action always speak louder than words!

saddo1

yeah defo think that about actions. will get a grip

yvonne13_2

OP thank you for sharing some of what your feeling, now I can see better.
You are clearly in love but your partner appears not to be able to connect with you in a way that should make you happy.
Are you needy? I doubt it as I just see a clear case of one sided love and not a mutual connection.

The stepping stones of a relationship is built on the foundation stones of friendships so do what's right for you. If a friend of yours was in the same position what you advise? Sometimes we have the answer already but make excuses to justify our hurt and pain e.g wanting the money back, please don't let 2013 see you in the same position.

I wish you well and hope you do what's best for you in the long run.

saddo1

i think i'd advise a friend to talk and to get out if it makes them miserable. thanks