Could you live with your MIL

MadDogWoman_2

My parents lived with DH and I for 6 years! They moved in with us 4 months after we married. It was due to financial issues caused by an employer.

It was ok, but my parents only had their bedroom as we only have a 2 bed terrace. My mum did all my housework whilst I was at work so that was a bonus.

It got hard when we discovered that I would need fertility treatment, it's not easy being hormonal and angry at the world with your parents around.

niklepic

Yes. We lost fil 2 years ago and have lived with mil (late 50s)for just over a year now with our 2 children (with another on the way). We were in a private rented house which was completely unsuitable for our disabled son and mil was not doing well living by herself. I can honestly say it's the ideal situation for us. We've had some problems with lack of space in amalgamating two households but are currently in the last stages of having an extension built (part funded by a grant) which will give my boy the downstairs room and bathroom that he needs and gives mil a new room with an en suite.

We pay "rent" every month which includes all our bills and food so there's no quibbling about who uses more electricty and we all eat together. I'm currently on maternity leave so do most of the cleaning, washing etc, mil looks after the pets (3 dogs and 5 cats between us) and dh does most of the cooking.

It did take me about 6 months to feel completely comfortable and I have had some periods of "we've really not done the right thing" but we decided to stick it out and things are working well. Only advice i can give is to make sure that if anyone has any sort of problem that it is discussed instantly. If you let things fester life can get very uncomfortable for everyone.

The only downside I can think of at the moment is that I've started to watch the Alibi channel

shays_mum

We are all going to be old someday, i would love not to be totally alone & isolated from my family.
If you get on with her, why not?.
Also, i don't understand the concept of granny flats/annexes, either they live with you or they don't surly?, is it the privacy aspect of things?. I would feel awkward if it was me, as to when i was allowed (or not allowed) to be in the big house!. Sorry forgive my ignorance, but its a concept i am not familiar with!.

shays_mum

thorsoak wrote: »

In my opinion, as a grandparent, I do not have the right to interfere in their family life - and I might find it hard not to do so!

Just out of curiosity, why would you feel you have no right telling your kids/grandkids what you thought?. Surly if you say anything its because you care for their wellbeing & with your life experiences, they will understand you want only the best for them?.

I am lucky to be surrounded by 4 generations of family & i know (as a 3rd generation "child"!) that in in the older generations eyes i will always be seen as a child before the mum i am today. Its to these wise matriarchs that i would always go to when i need guidance & advice. I want them to feel that i value their opinions & their place in my life. I may not heed their advice, but i would always listen & respect the years they have had ahead of me on this earth.

Both my mum & grandmother have both been diagnosed with cancer & are both facing ops soon, maybe its this brush with mortality has me thinking me much more about their valuable place in my life.

Sorry to have gone on.

Treevo

shays_mum wrote: »

We are all going to be old someday, i would love not to be totally alone & isolated from my family.
If you get on with her, why not?.
Also, i don't understand the concept of granny flats/annexes, either they live with you or they don't surly?, is it the privacy aspect of things?. I would feel awkward if it was me, as to when i was allowed (or not allowed) to be in the big house!. Sorry forgive my ignorance, but its a concept i am not familiar with!.

An annex is a separate dwelling. Self-contained but attached. So you'd be 'allowed in the big house' in the same way that you would if your child lived a few miles away.

Mojisola

shays_mum wrote: »

Also, i don't understand the concept of granny flats/annexes, either they live with you or they don't surly?, is it the privacy aspect of things?

I would feel awkward if it was me, as to when i was allowed (or not allowed) to be in the big house!. Sorry forgive my ignorance, but its a concept i am not familiar with!.

It's often so that the grandparents can maintain their independence - they can cook what they want when they want, they can watch the TV programmes they choose, can decide whether they want to go into the main building and babysit or not, etc.

Ideally, both sides respect the other's privacy - at whatever level suits them. Some families keep a completely open door policy. Others make sure that they knock/phone before arriving.

mischiefmaker

My husband and I have lived with my parents for 10 years. When we outgrew our first home (I was pregnant with DD) mum decided their house was too big for them and we could buy it for what we could afford, they gave my sister the equivilant in cash (she paid off her mortgage). They then built a self-contained annexe to the side, I bed, bathroom, kitchen diner and lounge. They are completely seperate except we share the garden and driveway (we were going to split the garden and never got round to it!!). The house is all in our name and there have never been any negatives. My kids love it (they have them for me as I work full time in leiu of any bills ) they quire often state that we have nothing nice for pudding or we have run out of chocolate so they are going to see if Nanny and Grandad have some!!
We always knock before we go into each others houses. My sister is perfectly happy with the situation as well (we wouldn't of done it otherwise) and we have never had any disagreements.
I understand it wouldn't work for everyone but it does for us. DH is close to my dad as well and has said that he could not imagine it not being like this now. Chances are when the time comes we will probably end up in the annexe and one of our kids will end up in the house.

thorsoak

shays_mum wrote: »

Just out of curiosity, why would you feel you have no right telling your kids/grandkids what you thought?. Surly if you say anything its because you care for their wellbeing & with your life experiences, they will understand you want only the best for them?.

I am lucky to be surrounded by 4 generations of family & i know (as a 3rd generation "child"!) that in in the older generations eyes i will always be seen as a child before the mum i am today. Its to these wise matriarchs that i would always go to when i need guidance & advice. I want them to feel that i value their opinions & their place in my life. I may not heed their advice, but i would always listen & respect the years they have had ahead of me on this earth.

Both my mum & grandmother have both been diagnosed with cancer & are both facing ops soon, maybe its this brush with mortality has me thinking me much more about their valuable place in my life.

Sorry to have gone on.

Of course I tell my children what I think, and I share experiences and give advice WHEN ASKED! My grandchildren all live overseas, sadly for me - and I usually see them twice or three times a year. If I'm in loco parentis, then of course I do have to take complete charge of them - but when their parents are there, then I am absolved of all responsibilities and can enjoy my time with them. If I lived with them, then I think I would find myself jumping in when I shouldn't - if you see what I mean.

I love my children and grandchildren dearly and the feelings are reciprocated - but I would hate to become a third wheel!

Maybe I feel like this because both my parents and OH's parents were only too keen to give advice on parenting and criticise the way that we brought our children up.

Lilith1980

In terms of my OH's mum, I can't say I would be entirely happy as I find her difficult to get along with, very black and white in her thinking. But I would never want to see her isolated, I would do it for my OH but think an annexe would be the best solution.

If it was my mum, I also think an annexe is the best thing, gives each party their privacy but the proximity to be there as a support.

teajug

I would not want to live with DiL, no, No, NO, it would mean that I would be living with her whole family as they are still in control of everything she does. :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek: