Could you live with your MIL

londonsurrey

I think that there are two issues here.
The first is the personality thing of just getting on.

The second is financial - is she going to sign over everything to you? Because if you're relying on her lump sum deposit/monthly contribution, then you're risking your nice new bigger home.

So unless you can cover any shortfall or be certain of getting a replacement lodger, you have to be prepared to downsize if she moves out.

daska

Could and would and have for 4 months. (Couldn't say the same about my mother though.)

dizziblonde

Not nowadays that grandchildren have come into the equation (it's brought some issues to the surface).

Something I'd be wary of having seen it end in acrimony with relatives as well - the elderly father basically ended up life-savingsless when he got shafted by one son in this sort of venture (ok so the son in question isn't the nicest character in the world anyway and we all tried to warn him about this being likely to happen).

choccybuttons

I would have said yes until we had children. MIL has very different child rearing views and we bump heads now even though we dont live together.

Plus I don't think she could cope with the noise and everything that comes with my hyper boys. Saying that my own mum would stuggle as she would find my kids physically exhausting.

Callie22

j.e.j. wrote: »

Yes, I saw my step-granny move in with her children (she also didn't want to live on her own) and over the years she gradually lost contact with all her friends, all her social circle, and started to live her life thru her children, iyswim. It put an enormous strain on everyone and wasn't fair on anyone, really.

I think that's one of the things that you have to take into account. My grandparents lived with my parents in the family home - they had an annexe but realistically, you do end up living 'together' and it's never as separate as you'd like to think. Whilst for the most part things were ok, it did put a huge strain on my parents both emotionally and financially and growing up, I never got to spend very much time with my mum as my grandmother, in particular, had poor health and was very demanding. It has, to a certain extent, affected my relationship with my mum as we never really grew close when I was a teenager, although it's getting better now. So whilst I think multi-generational households can be a good thing in general, you really do need to set ground rules and really think about the future - how will things change if someone's health deteriorates, how will you cope with children in the mix too. It's definitely not something to drift into. My mum cared for my gran right up until she died as well as running the family business and it did reach a point where I was very concerned for her health and sanity.

Having said that, I wouldn't hesitate to have my parents move in with me in the future, if I'm in a position to make that happen and if they want that, but they are very different people to my grandparents and are well aware of the massive pitfalls that this sort of arrangement can bring. It can work well when people are, and remain, very independent. But if there are issues within the family to start with, or if issues are ignored, then it can all get very difficult.

Lunar_Eclipse

I'm another that could and would, and find it easier than with my own mother.

I understand all the negatives about personal space and am reluctant to add more responsibilities to my life (like a dog which we'd love) BUT at the end of the day family is more important than anything (to me), so if I thought it was the right thing to do, I would do it.

I do think an annex would be incredibly beneficial though.

Gra76

We've looked at doing this with my MIL. We originally thought it was a good idea and my wife mentioned it to her.

Then my MIL mentioned it to my sis-in-law who kicked up a big fuss about it. Not sure why as my wife won't talk about it other than to say it's not worth the hastle looking into anymore...

I'd be driven insane by her anyway so I'm not losing much sleep over it!

pinkshoes

I remember when my Gran (my dad's mum) moved in with us for about 6 months. There was SO much tension, and I remember my mum being really grumpy. Bearing in mind their house is rather on the large side with 4 reception rooms downstairs, so plenty of pottering space...

I would have no objection to living with in-laws, but ONLY in a property that had a granny annex, so they had their own separate living quarters!

lostinrates

I tried to reply yesterday but my resident parent kept trying to talk to me.


One of my parents lives with us, And dh and I lived in my parents' home for some time.

It's not easy is absolutely right. Having very good lines drawn is essential, as is talking and agreeing finacial things, down to quite small details.

My parent and I have cared for each other this year...they had a minor op under general and I have had health problems and vision problems and for a period could not drive. So for us it's been practically reciprocally useful. But there are times one has to grit ones teeth. One of the reasons I do things someways are because I have seen my parents ways did not work, so it's very hard when they want to keep doing something their way. We drew a very firm line in the sand where animals (we don't have kids) are concerned and said our rules were paramount.

In the main though it works, and IMO is likely to become more common again. Dh and my parents get on better than my parents and I do, for us had it not been the case it would not have happened.

pelirocco

onlywayisup wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies.

Cant quote so will try to reply to all!

An annex etc would be ideal. Even with the sale of the house MIL would not have an awful lot of cash left. Enough for a good deposit really but not to live off. Her monthly income is basically a pension now so far far less than when FIL was here. Any bills etc would be all on us so we would need to consider this with an annex too.

Lack of privacy would really be hard. We are only married a year (in laws were late parents) but i would hope that with own living room, bedrooms and bathrooms we would be able to achieve that hopefully?

Legal aspects are something weve been thinking about. Going into a home, death or divorce would all throw a big spanner in the works so we would need to consider this carefully.

As for sheltered accommodation etc she isnt anywere near that stage. Just a bit lonely and she has had a hard life...early sudden deaths of parents and accidental deaths of her husband and my DHs siblings. Just feel that making her part of a family again is what she needs.

As for my DIL id have no idea. Have no children so couldnt even imagine but she seems really keen and seems to like me i think!;)

As for the flat nos. Totally understand. If you had asked me this 10yrs ago before i even knew my MIL i would have been like 'who the hell would want to live with their husbands mum'!

My own mum....no chance. :rotfl:

Thanks again everyone.[/QUOT


My mum moved into a warden controlled flat while in her 60's and she loves it , she is now 81 and constantly out gadding about , this accomodation works very well if they are still active both physically and more importantly socially . Its no good if they wont or cant get out and do stuff .

If the time comes that my mum will need nursing then ive told her she is moving in with me . My siblings and I moved took shifts in looking after my dad when he was dying , he wanted to be in his own home and not hospital , and tbh its the least we can do for our parents.

As to parents moving in for a longer period , it could be a huge strain for both parties .