Could you live with your MIL

Poppy9

Wouldn't have been my preference but would have done it as I couldn't have seen MIL in a home. OH would have found it difficult as MIL was tricky and objected to OH checking up on her daily - she lived 5 mins away.

FIL - I couldn't have had him here as he was too demanding and selfish and my MIL was a saint looking after him for so many years.

I never knew my parents as "older" people but like to think I would have taken them in.


DD is only child and I've told her she is to feel no obligation to take care of us in our old age and to live her own life.

My friend and her parents sold their respective homes, bought a bigger house and extended it so that her parents had their own "wing" but they shared the kitchen. The whole family found it worked well and even though her parents health deteriorated rapidly and suddenly after a few years to the point they were both in hospital beds at home, she never found them a burden. Friends children were 5 and 7 when the family moved in together and they still feel their house is empty 2 years after losing both of the parents. It worked very well for them as a family, but that is the key, the whole family has to be happy with the arrangement.

warwicktiger

No
No
NO

Not any one of the three of them!

ognum

good question and I would also like to reverse it, could you live with your daughter in law?

My son lived abroad from 21 to about 26 years of age working in ski resorts in the winter and as a white water raft guide in the summer, he came home now and then, he grew up a lot and we were always in contact. Ten years ago this week he met his now wife and they lived together abroad for a couple of years, of course we new about her, saw photos and even chatted on the phone.

They then decided to move back to the UK to work, the area we live had good job prospects and cheap rental, our house! the first day I met my future daughter in law she came with a suitcase and moved in!

We get on fine are both tolerant of each other, they stayed in our home for several years until they bought their own home. So daughters in law just think whether your mother in law would actually choose to live with you!

Any

I can see this happening to us in future, OH's parents are elderly and if one of them goes the other will need pur help/presence.
And I will do it. Fortunately my in laws are lovely people and while I am sure it won't be perfect, I will try to make it work.
After what they have done for us.. I will be very happy to make their last days happy..
I am not a saint though.. I am not sure I would do that for my own mother!! She would make my life hell. That would need more consideration..
It's kind of you get what you seed.. I have no doubts about my in laws somehow.

ifonlyitwaseasier

mil - yes, adore her

Fil - not a chance!! i'd be done for premeditated murder within 48 hours!

onlywayisup_2

Thanks for all your replies.

Cant quote so will try to reply to all!

An annex etc would be ideal. Even with the sale of the house MIL would not have an awful lot of cash left. Enough for a good deposit really but not to live off. Her monthly income is basically a pension now so far far less than when FIL was here. Any bills etc would be all on us so we would need to consider this with an annex too.

Lack of privacy would really be hard. We are only married a year (in laws were late parents) but i would hope that with own living room, bedrooms and bathrooms we would be able to achieve that hopefully?

Legal aspects are something weve been thinking about. Going into a home, death or divorce would all throw a big spanner in the works so we would need to consider this carefully.

As for sheltered accommodation etc she isnt anywere near that stage. Just a bit lonely and she has had a hard life...early sudden deaths of parents and accidental deaths of her husband and my DHs siblings. Just feel that making her part of a family again is what she needs.

As for my DIL id have no idea. Have no children so couldnt even imagine but she seems really keen and seems to like me i think!;)

As for the flat nos. Totally understand. If you had asked me this 10yrs ago before i even knew my MIL i would have been like 'who the hell would want to live with their husbands mum'!

My own mum....no chance. :rotfl:

Thanks again everyone.

meritaten

my MIL is long deceased - but, I would not have been happy to live with her. She was real narcissist and would have made life very difficult for us.
BUT - if push came to shove and it was the only solution - then yes I would have done it. ONLY if she had her own 'rooms' and I wasnt expected to be 'on call' 24/7!
my own mother? hmmm thats another matter - no effing way! We have never got on, and either she would moider me - or I would moider her!

Person_one

j.e.j. wrote: »

How about something like sheltered or supported housing? She could live in one of those purpose-built flats which have a warden there who could check she's ok, etc. She would also be able to socialise with other people of her age and maybe make some new friends, whereas if she just lived with her son and DiL she'd be relying on you for company for much of the time, which would be a strain on you.

I think this is a great idea, some of those sheltered accommodation places are nice enough that I'd move in tomorrow! You live independently in a little self contained flat, its nothing like being in a home, there's just some help available in an emergency and some communal areas that you choose to use or not.

j.e.j makes a really good point about social connections too.

lady1964

Oh god No

I like my MIL and we get on well but we're very different with very different ideas on everything to do with running a home. As for my FIL, not a chance either. We had to spend 6 or so weeks living at theirs many years ago and I hated it; the lack of privacy, OH being her pride & joy and FIL disliking me and making it very clear that I wasn't what he wanted for his boy.....

Also, as much as I love my parents, no way, maybe I'm just too selfish but I would really struggle. That said, I wouldn't see either of them in any kind of housing need so if push came to shove, a house with an annexe would be the best plan....

Newly_retired

It could all work wonderfully.
But it wouldn't have worked for me and my mum, and definitely not MIL.
Other issues to consider:
Houses with annexes can be notoriously difficult to sell when you no longer need them.
Specialist advice needed re legal / financial problems when circumstances change re care home fees, divorce etc. I believe AgeUK have good information on this.
Agreement on "rules"eg territory ,meals, chores, privacy etc is vital from the outset.
Looking ahead, if her health deteriorates, how would you cope?
Could you care for her physically, day and night if necessary? Or would a move to a care home be on the cards?
And mentally? People with dementia can become confused, angry, resentful, obviously forgetful, which could make all your carefully agreed "rules" impossible to keep.

Food for thought.