Would love to be debt free but budget is a nightmare

exarmydreamer

It might be your fathers house but is he on the deeds, he could have debts set against it. I to would have gone long ago, you still seem to be making every excuse for him. Maybe I'm not being helpful.

I've read this from the start when you first posted but I wonder if you have read it from the start back to yourself. If you could step back and look at this with a fresh pair of eyes, it might help you.

I am nice really, I hope I'm not coming across as a bit mean.

worried48

No, neither of us are on the deeds - I didn't even know that was possible to be honest.

worried48

Maddie57 wrote: »

You mentioned you were a teacher I think? Would you be able to offer tutoring? It's another way you could make some extra cash, even if you only do it at certain times of the year.

Sorry I missed this. Yes I could easily do that again - I have done it in the past - but at the moment the thought of me being out of the house any more than I am already would be an issue for husband. I do always have that to fall back on though.

Can you sell your cats to another breeder so at least you know they would be well cared for?

Tried that - quite difficult because all breeders seem to be broke. Did export one cat recently to a breeder.

KiKi

worried48 wrote: »

Well, I don't believe in divorce, I suppose that's the bottom line.

And that's your choice - as is you putting up with him. If you choose to stay with him simply because divorce is wrong, then any unhappiness or debt you're incurring is a choice.

But throwing a kitten down the stairs?

He'd have been out of my family's house regardless of my stance on ending a marriage.

Your life sounds completely chaotic (sorry to sound so blunt). I imagine you living in a draughty house with stuff all over the place, an angry man who does nothing and you spending your life trying to please him, but unable to do so. And in the midst of it, your poor animals, being in the way, yelled at or physically hurt if they annoy him. And you, being told what you can and can't do, and you have no say in any matter regarding stuff that he won't deal with. He sounds angry and depressed, and you sound downtrodden.

Seriously - why are you with him??

Heffi1

worried48 wrote: »

Yes but not physically.

Worried it does not have to be physical to be abuse! read the link and some of the stories, I really feel you need some help,

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220041&sectionTitle=Domestic+violence+%28general%29

What are the signs of domestic violence?

Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening

Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.

Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.

Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.

Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.

Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.

Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.

Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.

Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.
Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

I have highlighted a couple of things above, it is not all about being hit you know.

skipsmum

worried, please read the post above from Heffi. Is this where you want to be for the rest of your life?

sueh6

skipsmum wrote: »

worried, please read the post above from Heffi. Is this where you want to be for the rest of your life?

I was literally just about to post this.

I was in an abusive relationship and left it......during the next 2 years we both got help and after much hard work and effort we are now very, very happy. It doesn't have to be the end, if that's not what you want, but you have to do something.

My husband was emotionally abusive and we've both been through counselling - seperately and together. Him for the obvious reasons - me because I was permanently playing the role of the victim and was prepared to stay that way. Like I said in a previous post - you accept the love you think you deserve - and when you feel worthless (not helped by the relationship) you put up with things and make excuses.

If you won't leave, then you need to get some help for yourself to help you understand that the way you are behaving isn't right....regardless of him.

Good luck xx

fallen121

I think you need to leave.

I think it might be the kick up the backside that your husband needs. He has no impetus to change whilst you stay and make excuses for him.

I think you need to walk away and let him deal with some of this for a change.

Is there anyone you could stay with, at least temporarily?

The problem is of course the cats, because you can't take them with you and if left in your husband's care they will starve or suffer. So you need to find homes for them ASAP. Then leave.

I think we have established that no breeders have money. I think you need to think in terms of giving the cats away for their own welfare and the money you will save not having to feed them.

The fact that you started this thread in the first place shows you have acknowledged that things need to change. But your husband will never change, so you need to do the changing.

I accept that some of the things suggested here may not be feasible. But unless you begin to demonstrate some action then the support and goodwill which is so evident here will dry up and people begin to drift away.

PLEASE do something about the cats. The first step is the hardest. But after the first change it becomes easier.

LannieDuck

Worried, why is the business in your husband's name only? Are there financial advantages to being a sole trader rather than a partnership?

worried48

LannieDuck wrote: »

Worried, why is the business in your husband's name only? Are there financial advantages to being a sole trader rather than a partnership?

When we married, my credit rating was completely shot, my husband's was still OK despite him having been unemployed for 20 years. Hence it made a great deal of sense to have the business in his name alone.