Would love to be debt free but budget is a nightmare

FinKite

Look, I GUARANTEE he owes more on that other credit card than you think - otherwise, why wouldn't he just tell you? I presume you're working back the balance from a minimum payment... But what I'd he's negotiated a payment under minimum? Or not negotiated it, and the clock is ticking until the credit card company blow up over the missed amounts?

The other thing that I'm frankly tearing my hair out over... He hadn't shown you the business spreadsheet yet?!! Why the hell don't you have access to the file? You should both be able to log on and open it any time you like.

Honestly, I'd do this:
- get rid of the cats
- get to the bottom of ALL the financials
- get your dad to give notice / evict the pair of you
- leave your husband with any business debt he is responsible for
- split up
- move back to the house, have 1 or 2 pet cats - same sex, neutered! - and restart the business - employing somewhere for what you physically can't do

Don't divorce yet if it's against your principles - but you can still separate!

FinKite

I'm concerned about the house, too. If it's your dad's, fine. But won't you inherit it one day?
The minute you do, it's a marital asset. If you finally decide enough is enough, do you want to have to give him half your father's house after bankrolling him all your life?
I'm no legal expert, but I'm wondering if the house being left in some form of trust would be more advantageous than directly?

Look, best case scenario is he's a bit of a grumpy hoarder who is snowed under by the business and especially the recession and hiding from the business issues - but basically a good man (kitten throwing aside!!!)

But in that case, at the very least he should be honest with you about the state of the business.

Savingforsomeday

OP, all these posters are giving you great advice, but to be honest I think they're wasting their breath.
I don't think you've had your light bulb moment at all.
You have come up with every excuse under the sun, not just for your husband but yourself too. There's not been one suggestion where you have taken it on board and implemented it in order to save money, which is the point of the post. I don't think you're serious about money saving at all.

I suggest you go and have a good think about what you want to achieve with your money, whether you are happy to stay with things the way they are (until you run out of time/credit/cash and have to take your head out of the sand) and come back and post a proper SOA once you are serious about changing your money habits. Because at the moment this thread feels like a waste of time.

honey10

Savingforsomeday wrote: »

OP, all these posters are giving you great advice, but to be honest I think they're wasting their breath.
I don't think you've had your light bulb moment at all.
You have come up with every excuse under the sun, not just for your husband but yourself too. There's not been one suggestion where you have taken it on board and implemented it in order to save money, which is the point of the post. I don't think you're serious about money saving at all.

I suggest you go and have a good think about what you want to achieve with your money, whether you are happy to stay with things the way they are (until you run out of time/credit/cash and have to take your head out of the sand) and come back and post a proper SOA once you are serious about changing your money habits. Because at the moment this thread feels like a waste of time.

Unfortunately, I have to agree. OP, I want to shake you. This man has complete control over you, and he's making you into his slave. I think this post was a cry for help, but you aren't taking any advice on board.

carrielovesfanta

OP, I have read your post from start to finish.

I agree with the other posters that this is not a debt problem that can be solved while your husband is not willing to be open with you about finances (or indeed anything). Could he be suffering from depression? You said he went to bed because of the overdraft letter? That sounds like someone who is struggling to cope to me.

I understand your feelings on divorce. But that does not rule out temporary (or even permanent) separation.

Fundamentally you need to ask yourself the following question:

What aspects of my marriage are positive?

If you find it hard to answer this question then I feel you should seriously re-consider you position.

If there are positive aspects to your marriage and you feel that it is worth it, that is good. But I do not think your husband will change re: money. Unless he gets on side, I think unfortunately that there will only be a resolution to the debt problem will be when the bank calls time and the business goes bankrupt.

I'm sorry to sound so negative, and I hope things get better for you

heartbreak_star

OP, I alternately want to hug you and tell you off.

Have a long hard think. What advice would you give to someone else in this situation. What if your friend's husband had thrown a kitten down the stairs? What would you tell them?

Do you have friends you go out with, or family? On your own I mean?

HBS x

worried48

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Do you have friends you go out with, or family? On your own I mean?

O yes. Lots. In fact this is my husband's second complaint after the cats. You see, he is very unsociable indeed, he finds all interactions with people (even on the telephone) really difficult. When we married, he was a practising Christian (otherwise I would not have dated him let alone married him) but when we moved here (which we did as soon as we married, before that we lived a long way apart) we started going to a church which I foudn very difficult to cope with in terms of church practice but liked the friendliness and the hospitality we were shown, whereas he hated the friendliness and hospitality. So the thing that made it tolerable for me was the thing that made it difficult for him. After a few months he stopped going and because the church was not to my taste in terms of doctrine and practice, I started going elsewhere.

For more than a decade my husband has gone nowhere at all and this is the single biggest issue I have with him (I realise many will find that hard to understand, but that is how it is). Church is a huge part of my life, it does not take up as much time as the cats but I am out twice on Sundays and two or three times during the week, and during those times of course husband has to man the phone (it is a constant joke that the phone starts ringing the instant I go out the door). So he feels depressed, yes, whoever said that was absolutely right, and abandoned, but before we married he was as involved with his church as I am with mine now, and I would not have contemplated marriage with anyone who was not similarly committed. He syas often that in our first year of marriage we were hardly apart at all, and that is quite true, but that was because he actually came to church in those days! This is by far the single biggest issue and unfortunately it seems to be insoluble. I cannot force him to come with me.

I am a Christian and I will not walk out on this marriage and that is that. Again I realise that people will find that hard to believe, in an age where you divorce someone because the initial passion has gone but you remain good friends after you find someone else, Christians do not do that, and that is how it is. Similarly, Christian women should not attempt to dominate their husbands, and again that is how it is. I realise again that this is completely against the culture of today which rubbishes men at every opportunity and then wonders why we have such a major problem with feral youth, but again, that is how it is. There are things I will not do because I am a Christian. Perhaps that will explain things a little better.

As it is, I mentioned the idea of tutoring to my husband, and although he was not over-enthusiastic, he did not object too much, so perhaps that is a route I could go down, if I can cope with it in terms of time (I seem to be tired all the time as it is, my physcial disability of course does not help)

I do also have an atheist friend who I go out with sometimes.

heartbreak_star

I'm an atheist, I don't rubbish men. I would never divorce someone "just because the passion has gone" although I do believe intimacy is a part of any successful partnership. I'm friends with all my exes bar one, who hit me, and they're happily with other people. Then again, I've never married. I do however find religion of any sort absolutely incomprehensible so I'm not sure what else I can advise. Was "obey" in your vows?

If you're determined to stay in this situation, can you get your husband to his GP to try and treat his depression, and maybe close the business one evening a week to try and have a "date night" as a couple or a coffee with friends? I'm sure your God and your Christian values would want you to both be happy, it's just not fair otherwise

Still not sure I could stay with someone who threw a kitten down the stairs though.Logic should win over religion, you should never in any way be scared of someone who professes to love you.

Good luck - I hope you can work this out!

HBS x

FinKite

That's quite offensive - so the reason we have a "feral youth" is because women now leave bad relationships? REALLY?

worried48

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I'm an atheist, I don't rubbish men. I would never divorce someone "just because the passion has gone" although I do believe intimacy is a part of any successful partnership. I'm friends with all my exes bar one, who hit me, and they're happily with other people. Then again, I've never married. I do however find religion of any sort absolutely incomprehensible so I'm not sure what else I can advise. Was "obey" in your vows?

Effectively. We didn't marry in the CofE but we did promise to take on the role of husband and wife according to scripture. Anyway that isn't the point, I am married.

If you're determined to stay in this situation, can you get your husband to his GP to try and treat his depression

O that's another thing he won't do. He has physical stuff wrong with him as well, there are two types of medication he is supposed to have been on for years (at least 7 years, may be longer). He hasn't taken either of them for probably at least 6 years.

and maybe close the business one evening a week to try and have a "date night" as a couple or a coffee with friends? I'm sure your God and your Christian values would want you to both be happy, it's just not fair otherwise

Date nights involve spending money. Actually I am not unhappy. I understand why you all think I must be, but in fact I am not.