tell me what you think!!!

jinxy_jane

hi all, heres the story, please be honest and tell me what you think.

9 months ago husband told me he was havng an affair, we opted to stay together and is been a very long rocky road, i know her name and know that she worked with him but not much else, although he tells me she got the sack from work and i chose to believe him. i deleted her number from his phone months ago .

skip to this weekend just gone, he goes out to visit golf shop, and when he gets back i go out shopping, when i return i opt to look at his phone (yes i know thats wrong but he had acted a bit odd that morning) and her number is on his call list, she had rang him whilst i was out!, i recognised the number because i know it off by heart

i was shaking like a leaf and thought right thats it its over and he obviously asked whats wrong when i showed him the number he said he got this call but noone spoke, it sounded like people were talking in the background and it was like they had rang him by accident, he said if he had known it was her would he have left the number on his phone?

so skip to present day, im in turmoil, and need other opinions

is it likely that she rang him by accident all these months later and while i was out? whats the probability of that happening?

do i opt to believe this or try and dig deeper

what would you think? x

PinkLipgloss

Putting aside the issue with the phone call. ....

Fundamentally do you believe that, after having an affair, your husband has changed his ways and that you trust him completely and accept that?

OR will you always have an element of doubt niggling away and thus continue to check his mobile phone etc?

IMO the answer to that dictates if you should finish the relationship or not.

NoAngel

I feel like your instinct is correct here- seems like something is going on.

If you can't trust him do you really want to spend the rest of your life checking his phone and wondering what he's up to? If the answer is no then surely this puts things into perspective about what you could do?

fluffnutter

jinxy_jane wrote: »

i was shaking like a leaf and thought right thats it its over and he obviously asked whats wrong when i showed him the number he said he got this call but noone spoke, it sounded like people were talking in the background and it was like they had rang him by accident, he said if he had known it was her would he have left the number on his phone?

Can you actually delete numbers from the recent calls list? I guess it might depend on the phone but I've never done this. I hate that defence anyway - 'Look, I'm innocent because I'm not trying to hide the fact that I'm guilty'. Doesn't really wash with me I'm afraid.

Do you trust your husband?

Nessynoo

If you want to know if he's still talking to her, you'll need to bug your house. Get an mp3 player thhat has a big memory and voice record function. Leave it on when you go out. Hide it in a bookcase, in the lining under the sofa etc. When you're alone, you can retrieve it and have a listen.

Is it obvious that I did this a few times????
Trust you're instincts!

loveasale

They say there's no smoke without fire!
If u really believe him ,then u have to put all you suspicions aside and trust him, and not go looking for trouble !
However if u feel that u can't get rid of that awful feeling of betrayal then I feel the marriage is over

Good luck , I hope you get through this

Maureen43

On the basis of what you have said I think he is lying. It is rather a coincidence that he only received this silent call in the time he was away from the home.

If, like me, you need solid proof before making any decisions, there is something you can do. Is he at home alone when you are out sometimes? As already said, you can record him. I bought a voice recorder from Argos (cost about £25 I think) and left it running in his study while I was out.

I already knew what I was going to do but having proof just confirmed I was making the right decision.

I feel for you. I know how hard this is. Please do pm me if you want to.

jinxy_jane

of course i want to believe him, our marriage was built on years of trust before the affair, and i have spent the last 9 months trying to rebuild the trust, so as you can imagine this phone call has set me back quite a way!! i want to think it was just her ringing him by accident but then a little niggle says "dont be an idiot its just too much of a coincidence" they now talk on a regular basis, she now rings him so it wont show on his phone bill etc etc......my mind imagines all sorts and lets face it he lied to my face for months betrayed me in a way i thought he wasnt capable of, and now this what would any woman in my situation think? its only been 9 months, that trust has to be rebuilt and this has not helped me at all

9 months after the affair, her phone number is calling his phone, so my only option is A) to believe his story and carry on
end the marriage or C) carry on with that niggling feeling so you see its a hard one, and i wanted some more points of view from people on the outside, to check whether im just making a moutain out of a molehill.x

Mojisola

jinxy_jane wrote: »

he goes out to visit golf shop, and when he gets back i go out shopping, when i return i opt to look at his phone (yes i know thats wrong but he had acted a bit odd that morning) and her number is on his call list, she had rang him whilst i was out!, i recognised the number because i know it off by heart

With the history, it's understandable to be concerned but, just a thought - how would she know that you had gone out?

If he had phoned her, I'd be more worried.

As you feel you can't trust him, I don't know whether there's a future for you together. You'll always be on the watch for him going with someone else. He can't prove to you that he isn't unless you spend all your time together.

I think I would get a recording device as suggested. I'd drive myself crazy otherwise, with it going round and round in my head.

Artytarty

Oh dear oh dear. For goodness sake don't call time on your marriage because of this. It could well have been an accidental phone call.
I phoned one particular friend several times by accident, phone in pocket , somehow it was her number that got pushed. I was very embarrassed when she phoned me from her holiday to ask if everything was ok!
Coincidences do happen.
Aside from that though, you still have a long way to go before he has earned your trust again by the sounds of it.but that does not mean he is lying to you.

bugslet

Nessynoo wrote: »

If you want to know if he's still talking to her, you'll need to bug your house. Get an mp3 player thhat has a big memory and voice record function. Leave it on when you go out. Hide it in a bookcase, in the lining under the sofa etc. When you're alone, you can retrieve it and have a listen.

Is it obvious that I did this a few times????
Trust you're instincts!

Nessy, for some reason people think this is not the done thing, but I think if there is a reason such as deceit and betrayal, then it's actually a sensible option. I had a couple of dictaphones and did exactly what you said, engineeringit so that he knew I was going out for an hour and therefore if he was going to ring her, then it would be in that hour.

Jinxy, I took mine back and 7 years later it's been fine ( though tough for the first year). It's only natural that you will still check when your antennae are on high alert, you'd have to be made of stone not to when your emotions are still so raw. As I remember the worst thing from that time was wondering what was going on and I do agree with Nessy that some form of listening device will probably help sort out your dilemma. Either you won;t hear anything and you'll have to take it that what he said happened, it's not beyond the bounds of possibility. If it turns out that there is something going on, well at least you know for sure and can decide exactly what you want to do.

Good luck, it's a horrible feeling.