Help! 18 yr old sis and 46 yr old man

*Beki*

I think the difference is the support group...

At Uni if she gets hit on by an unsavoury guy she'll (hopefully) have a bunch of girlfriends to give her advice, warn her, look after her, tell him to get lost- it will be an open, socially accepted relationship etc.

At the moment, she's sneaking around, hiding it from everyone (I'm the only one who knows) and has no-one to see what they're doing and warn her of the potential pitfalls.

glitter_fairy

*Beki* wrote: »

I think the difference is the support group...

At Uni if she gets hit on by an unsavoury guy she'll (hopefully) have a bunch of girlfriends to give her advice, warn her, look after her, tell him to get lost- it will be an open, socially accepted relationship etc.

At the moment, she's sneaking around, hiding it from everyone (I'm the only one who knows) and has no-one to see what they're doing and warn her of the potential pitfalls.

what in your mind are the pit falls?

*Beki*

glitter_fairy wrote: »

what in your mind are the pit falls?

I think I've covered that...

The same as with any unsuitable relationship- heartbreak, alienating your family, making stupid decisions regarding education/career/your future, rape, pregnancy, running away from home to make it work...

All of which are compounded by the fact she's dealing with this alone and in secret, he's an older guy who's more experienced in flattering women and getting what he wants, and she's completely naive!

Apparently he's been "flirty" with her since she moved to the area with my parents 4 years ago and only contacted her on FB when he knew she was 18 and it would be "allowed"- if that's not dodgy, I don't know what is...

duchy

You sound awfully controlling -and very opinionated.

You have a poor opinion of your sister's judgement -even though you don't live near her so probably in your head she's still a child not an eighteen year old young woman.....you also have a poor opinion of a man you've never met and know nothing about......and even a poor opinion of your parents that they are bumblingly oblivious inadequate parents.

Did you go to uni yourself or are you a little jealous of your sister by any chance ?

Worst scenario is this chap is wrong for your sister -she learns the hard way and goes off to uni sadder and wiser and far better equipped to deal with future relationships -best scenario he's a man who treats her like a princess (older men often do) and raises her self esteem and encourages her to become a confident young woman .

Really -she's eighteen -an adult-it would be a massive breach of trust for you to go running telling tales to your parents and she'd likely never trust you again......be a good big sister -offer advice if asked for it-and be ready to support her if it isn't the fairytale most first romances sooner or later turn out not to be.

Enough with all these ridiculous fantasies about him being a potential rapist though ......presumably YOU survived your eighteenth year without such awful things happening so why should she be any different ? You say you live in another town with your "partner" perhaps she thinks you are living an alienated life , living with a man who wouldn't marry you before moving in with you , rarely visiting family and who knows if your partner is cheating on you, beating you , raping you ..............Not saying any of this is true but you see the point...I've come up with this ridiculous scenario based on as little fact as you've come up with yours !

RazWaz

I think you need to trust her a little. When I was 18, I fell for a man who was 45. I'm now 22 and we're still together and our friends often comment on how strong our relationship is and how perfect we are for each other.

Age gaps are not always wrong, personality is so much more important.

duchy

Angry_Bear wrote: »

Quite honestly, the fact that you think a teenage boy is likely to be patient and wait for sex while a forty-something man is almost certainly all sorts of pervert makes me question your judgement a little.

As for what they might have in common, well you already know that they have music in common - who knows what else! There's more to people, and relationships, than sex and age!

:T :T

Well said

*Beki*

duchy wrote: »

You sound awfully controlling -and very opinionated.

You have a poor opinion of your sister's judgement -even though you don't live near her so probably in your head she's still a child not an eighteen year old young woman.....you also have a poor opinion of a man you've never met and know nothing about......and even a poor opinion of your parents that they are bumblingly oblivious inadequate parents.

Did you go to uni yourself or are you a little jealous of your sister by any chance ?

Worst scenario is this chap is wrong for your sister -she learns the hard way and goes off to uni sadder and wiser and far better equipped to deal with future relationships -best scenario he's a man who treats her like a princess (older men often do) and raises her self esteem and encourages her to become a confident young woman .

Really -she's eighteen -an adult-it would be a massive breach of trust for you to go running telling tales to your parents and she'd likely never trust you again......be a good big sister -offer advice if asked for it-and be ready to support her if it isn't the fairytale most first romances sooner or later turn out not to be.

Enough with all these ridiculous fantasies about him being a potential rapist though ......presumably YOU survived your eighteenth year without such awful things happening so why should she be any different ?

No I'm not jealous- I went to University and have a very successful career in London with a partner of 5 years who loves me very much. We met in our final year of University- and I would love my sister to have that kind of life too! As for my parents, I don't think they're inadequate- she's the one who told me that even though my Mum attends the rehearsals with her, she apparently has managed to sneak it past her. I have a close relationship with my sister, see her fairly regularly- she comes to stay and we always have honest chats about everything.

I think there's a big difference between a) someone who leaves school at 16, gets a job, a house etc and makes their own way in the world and happens to get involved with an older man, and b) a student, very much still in a protective bubble of school and parents.

I don't believe that it's such a massive assumption to think of what might happen, and try and help her to realise that too. And to be honest, I'd rather be thought of as "controlling and opinionated" than stand by and watch as my lovely little sister ruins her life.

Errata

*Beki* wrote: »

From what she was saying sneaking off into corners when no one is looking, but I don't know the exact details. They're definitely not being open about it around anyone else- she doesn't want me to tell anyone, and the first thing she said when she told me was "don't judge but..." so she obviously feels a little uncomfortable about it.

Sneaking off into corners looks like she's his dirty little secret. He should be proud he's copped off with an 18 year old, not hiding the fact from everyone.

londonsurrey

If you think she's a poor little naive thing who's just flattered by the attention of this nasty predator, then it would make sense to offer her an alternative.

Help her find ways of getting positive attention, of being told she's got positive attributes, that she's worth something, that she's special, that there are many people who can make her feel this way.

Simply telling her that the one person who's currently making her feel good about herself is a perverted deviant will have variations on very predictable outcomes. It will also leave her open to predation by someone else, as her needs will remain unmet, and predators come in all shapes and size.

Mojisola

*Beki* wrote: »

Apparently he's been "flirty" with her since she moved to the area with my parents 4 years ago and only contacted her on FB when he knew she was 18 and it would be "allowed"- if that's not dodgy, I don't know what is...

Now that would concern me a bit as well but, if he was really into young girls, wouldn't he have approached her as soon as she reached 16?