Help! 18 yr old sis and 46 yr old man

POPPYOSCAR

I understand you are uncomfortable with the fact he is the same age as your dad but without meeting him I do not see how you can know his motives.

He may be lonely and enjoy her company, you cannot assume he is after one thing just because of his age.

*Beki*

Well yes, of course, but it's different once you get past the whole madness of Freshers Week in my experience anyway. And I think as another poster said, I will definitely be having a chat with her about how to deal with that/ Uni guys.

I'm the one who introduced her to alcohol (sensibly) in the hope that she wouldn't go mad once she was allowed it at Uni (our parents don't drink).

*Beki*

And as for his motives, of course I don't know for sure, but my head is telling me that if he simply "enjoyed her company" there's nothing wrong with being friends, and chatting quite openly during band practise.

Angry_Bear

Just to give another perspective here. It sounds like you have an incredibly low opinion of your sister. She apparently is so unworldly that she doesn't understand how to think for herself or say no. She has nothing to offer a grown man. She can't be trusted to make her own decisions on her own love life. She can't (apparently) tell the difference between someone who genuinely appreciates her and a predaorty potential sex offender.

Now I know I have never met your siste, so maybe the above is true. But you say you live with your partner and don't live near her - maybe she's grown up a bit since you last lived with her?

Quite honestly, the fact that you think a teenage boy is likely to be patient and wait for sex while a forty-something man is almost certainly all sorts of pervert makes me question your judgement a little.

As for what they might have in common, well you already know that they have music in common - who knows what else! There's more to people, and relationships, than sex and age!

Mojisola

*Beki* wrote: »

And as for his motives, of course I don't know for sure, but my head is telling me that if he simply "enjoyed her company" there's nothing wrong with being friends, and chatting quite openly during band practise.

Are they keeping it a secret in public? Where are they meeting up?

*Beki*

From what she was saying sneaking off into corners when no one is looking, but I don't know the exact details. They're definitely not being open about it around anyone else- she doesn't want me to tell anyone, and the first thing she said when she told me was "don't judge but..." so she obviously feels a little uncomfortable about it.

Admittedly I am judging, it's hard not to - but to her I've only been supportive and tried to point out it may not exactly be the best decision. I don't have a low opinion of her- I just know how "young" she is, in her experience with guys, her naivety, and her assumption/natural trust of everyone. I feel like I have to make her aware of the things she doesn't automatically think of!

Mojisola

*Beki* wrote: »

I don't have a low opinion of her- I just know how "young" she is, in her experience with guys, her naivety, and her assumption/natural trust of everyone. I feel like I have to make her aware of the things she doesn't automatically think of!

Best thing is to keep doing that and keep the communications open.

It's obviously worrying for you - caught between her and your parents. If it all blows up, are you worried that your parents will say "You knew about it. Why didn't you say something?"

It wouldn't be fair of them if this did happen. Your sister is old enough in years, if not in experience, to run her own life. Give her general advice and hope she uses it in her current relationship.

*Beki*

Mojisola wrote: »

Best thing is to keep doing that and keep the communications open.

It's obviously worrying for you - caught between her and your parents. If it all blows up, are you worried that your parents will say "You knew about it. Why didn't you say something?"

It wouldn't be fair of them if this did happen. Your sister is old enough in years, if not in experience, to run her own life. Give her general advice and hope she uses it in her current relationship.

Yes, this is exactly what concerns me! (as well as her wellbeing of course)

I guess I just need to keep being supportive and try not to worry too much...

Fire_Fox

*Beki* wrote: »

And teenage lads (generally) will have more things in common and so are willing to wait because they see a future in the relationship, not just trying to get what they can out of it.

Most young lads really aren't and really don't!! Look at the average age for losing virginity and the teenage pregnancy rates, those girls are not all having underage sex and falling pregnant by 46 year old men, it's their peers. And look at what happens in Freshers week .... :eek:

Even thinking of my own experiences, both boyfriends and aquaintances (I have always had more male friends) - it was generally the young men who were octopus hands and trying to force the pace of the relationship, not the more mature guys.

*Beki* wrote: »

From what she was saying sneaking off into corners when no one is looking, but I don't know the exact details. They're definitely not being open about it around anyone else- she doesn't want me to tell anyone, and the first thing she said when she told me was "don't judge but..." so she obviously feels a little uncomfortable about it.

Or she thinks you are a little judgemental/ leap to conclusions.

glitter_fairy

I understand that you are worried but in my experience older men are a lot less pushy than young boys.

All you can really do is be there for her, and listen and dont let her know how you feel.