Help! 18 yr old sis and 46 yr old man

*Beki*

I need some advice regarding my sister.

She told me something in confidence last night which has put me in a really awkward position and made me feel really uncomfortable.

I'm 26, and live with my partner- she's just turned 18 a couple of weeks ago and still lives at home with my parents. She's studying A-levels and is due to go off to Uni next year.

We're pretty close and she confides in me about a lot of things, she's still quite immature, definitely naive and doesn't look or act 18.

She told me yesterday that she was in a "relationship" with this 46 year old man she'd met at music group she attends after college (he's not a teacher) and that she loves him.

To be honest, I felt sick to my stomach when she told me. She's never had a serious boyfriend and is still a virgin, has little self confidence and I'm fairly sure is just being flattered by the attention. I want to go over there and punch the guy! I know she's 18 and technically an adult, and maybe I'm being an overprotective big sister, but in my mind there's nothing that an innocent 18 year old could possibly offer a 46year old man, apart from the obvious. And she doesn't seem to realise the potentially dangerous situation she could get herself into.

I don't know what to do now! I really think I ought to tell my Mum (she attends this music group as well so could keep a safe eye on my sis), but I don't want to betray my sisters confidence and have her hate me or never tell me anything again.

Added to this my parents are pretty traditional and strict, and I'm fairly sure if I told my mum she'd just ban her from leaving the house until she went to Uni!

Some advice please! I feel really stuck.

Yorkie1

Difficult one. I think I'd be minded to keep the communication channels open with her for the time being rather than tell someone. That way, you will hopefully find out if there is anything sinister going on and can deal with that issue rather than the wider one.

At 18, your sister is old enough to go behind you / your family's backs with him, or react unpredictably (e.g. move out and decide not to go to Uni so she can be with him). And you wouldn't be her confidant so won't have any real idea of what's going on.

Tish_P

I know this must be upsetting for you but apart from offering advice on contraception, and readying your shoulder for the almost inevitable crying she'll do on it, you'll probably have to let her make her own mistakes. A fling with someone inadvisable is not the end of the world.

Edited to agree violently with the poster above! Don't hit the roof or tell your parents or you'll turn it into a "True Love Versus The World" melodrama in her head - just strongly discourage her from making any long term decisions based on him.

LEJC

sometimes raising an objection can actually make them more determined to see eachother...

Dificult to make suggestions,as you point out she is an adult and able to make her own judgements

Possibly its a bit unfair of you to have a preconcieved idea of this man....prehaps you should meet him and then you will be in more of a position to advise your sister in a constructive way

pawsies

Agree with all of the above and also let her tell your parents in her own time, but maybe suggest it so you won't be the bad guy as she is the one who contacted them?

POPPYOSCAR

I agree with everything that has already been said.

I think it would be best to not say anything if she does not want you to and to try to keep her closer to you than ever.

Get to meet this man so that he knows she has family looking out for her.

The last thing you want is for her to go off with him because she is pushed into a corner and feels she has no other choice.

tonyh66

my questions are: what does 'in a relationship' mean if it is not sexual.
Is the guy married?
My problems are: She is an adult so can do what she wants (even screw married men...)
If she is as nieve as you make out, she is going to find university a huge shock and may struggle to come to terms with it.
There is no potential danger if she lets you know who the guy is and when she is 'seeing' him. As long as he's not Fred West she'll be fine.

Yolina

There's a 23 years age gap between my parents, my mum was 19 or 20 when they met, they got married a few years later.

As long as your sister and her bf don't mind the age difference, why should anyone else?

ankspon

I feel for you,a relative aged 15 ran off with a 60 year old,the police did nothing.She is still with him now but it astonished me the police let it continue.What ever you say or do will not make a difference,at 18 they are an adult.

Mojisola

*Beki* wrote: »

I really think I ought to tell my Mum (she attends this music group as well so could keep a safe eye on my sis), but I don't want to betray my sisters confidence and have her hate me or never tell me anything again.

If your Mum goes to the same group and her parental antennae isn't reacting to this relationship, maybe it's more in your sister's head than real?

Either way, follow the good advice already given. Your sister will be off to uni soon and none of you will know what she's doing day-by-day. It will be important that she can confide in you and trust you.

Contains_Mild_Peril

Don't tell your mum. If your sister feels she has no-one she can safely confide in, she's likely to be secretive in future, and it sounds like she needs to be able to talk things over with someone close. Besides, I don't think keeping an eye on them at the music group would accomplish much, since they're hardly likely to be canoodling in front of your mum anyway.
I started dating an older man when I was 17, and my family's disapproval did nothing to dissuade me. Teenagers usually think they know best. I married him when I was 18 and he was 31 (which I realise is quite a lot younger than 46), and although we later divorced, we're still friends and we have a wonderful son so I don't regret it.
If your partner wasn't your first love, maybe you could talk to your sister, adult-to-adult, about how the first one seems like "the one" at the time but sometimes they're not, and if she's likely to go to a uni far away, whether she thinks a long-distance relationship would really work.
Sometimes, though, people need to make their own mistakes and the best you can do is be there for them.