divorced couples - how often do you see your kids?

Rebecca01

sharrison778 wrote: »

That's really unfair.

Every second weekend was their dads idea. As I said, I'm sympathetic to their.mums complaint that it would mean they miss activities. And I think its a lot of travel to expect them to do.

At the same time, I'm trying to help my partner find the best way to maintain a relationship with his kids.

It's not easy and judgemental comments like that don't help. I came here looking for constructive feedback!!

I agree, thats why the OP posted askng advice.

Its not an easy situation and its hard on everyone.

At least she seems to care about her step children , unlike previous threads we have seen where NRP's say they have no room for their kids in their house.

Cut her some slack please.

Fire_Fox

sharrison778 wrote: »

I'm interested to hear from others who are seperated or divorced and now living a significant distance from their children.

I'm the new partner - my boyfriend and I are trying to negotiate with his children's mother about how often they come to stay with us. The distance between their home and ours is about 250miles, so its not a quick drive!

My boyfriend wants every second weekend, but their mother opposes that as it would mean every second weekend they miss their sports game or music lesson. Going to visit them isnt really viable for us, as it would cost a fortune in hotels.

I don't do the actual negotiations with the ex but given whatever is agreed to has a big impact on me, my partner and I talk through the options. We live together so when the kids are here, it changes our lifestyle. If nothing else, he can't cook so I end up making all the meals.

Kids are 13 and 11. And yes, my partner was the one who moved cities for work reasons.

I'm not unsympathetic to their mothers arguments re activities but at the same time they need meaningful contact with their dad.

Another factor is that I'm currently pregnant (earlier days) and tbh I don't really want my partner gone every second weekend when I am dealing with a new baby.

Too many 'we' sentences in the OP, you don't need to be involved in every aspect of this, that can be counter productive. No offence but do the children want you and a screaming baby present every time they see their father? Obviously that is necessary if they visit your home, but maybe they'd enjoy some quality time on other weekends?

Why can't your partner can't learn to cook at least some basics given you are pregnant. Buy him a slow cooker and some cookery books, he can throw everything in raw in under five minutes and it's difficult to burn the meal. Leftovers you can microwave and eat when you are on your own. Could you stay with relatives or have a friend to stay the weekends your partner is away?

Buy a caravan and stay in that? Would it be cheaper for your partner to go on a coach (£1+) or train (booked three months in advance)? Would basic hotels/ guest houses booked well in advance with deals necessarily be more expensive than four journeys worth of petrol? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-480999/The-couple-stopped-Travelodge--stayed-22-years.html

daska

sharrison778 wrote: »

I don't do the actual negotiations with the ex but given whatever is agreed to has a big impact on me, my partner and I talk through the options. We live together so when the kids are here, it changes our lifestyle. If nothing else, he can't cook so I end up making all the meals.

Kids are 13 and 11. And yes, my partner was the one who moved cities for work reasons.

I'm not unsympathetic to their mothers arguments re activities but at the same time they need meaningful contact with their dad.

Another factor is that I'm currently pregnant (earlier days) and tbh I don't really want my partner gone every second weekend when I am dealing with a new baby.

No easy answers I suspect.

I suspect this is something that should have been discussed and agreed before deciding to try for a baby. You knew he had children. Did neither of you not consider how it might work before making that decision?

Whatever the background it does complicate things somewhat. His children also have a right to know their sibling, but as someone suggested earlier It's doubtful they would be impressed at travelling so far every other weekend, at the expense of time with their mates, to spend their time being woken up by a newborn and with activities constrained by their sibling's needs.

I suspect you need to get your head around the fact that he had pre-existing commitments and that you need to fit your wishes around them to a large degree. Maybe you could travel with him when he goes to visit them? A lot of hotels have family rooms.

And if your reaction is that it's too long a journey to consider taking your child then surely it is too far for his other children as well.

I hope you find a solution that's acceptable to all of you, but I think it may be too much to ask for you all to be happy with it.

FBaby

To be fair, OP did ask about people's experiences, which I assume is to get different perspective on the best ways forward.

As it's been said, the problem, which seems to be a common thing after divorce, is that OP and her partner have made choices without it would seem taking into consideration then the impact on his relationship with his children. In the end, the main issue is the distance, and whether he moved for OP or work (or both), he should have gone through all these considerations then which would have been much easier then now.

There are no miracle solutions and most likely it will result in the children coming over for the holidays, unless he is prepared to go over and stay in a hotel once a month. It can be expected that he won't be able to sustain the same relationship with them then he would have done living closer, but that doesn't mean he can't keep some decent relationship with them. In the end, it made the choice to move so far away and that was only going to come with consequences, hopefully, not significant ones, or maybe he can step back and you can consider planning to move closer.

Errata

sharrison778 wrote: »

That's really unfair.

Every second weekend was their dads idea. As I said, I'm sympathetic to their.mums complaint that it would mean they miss activities. And I think its a lot of travel to expect them to do.

At the same time, I'm trying to help my partner find the best way to maintain a relationship with his kids.

It's not easy and judgemental comments like that don't help. I came here looking for constructive feedback!!

Unfair? When you post "I'm currently pregnant (earlier days) and tbh I don't really want my partner gone every second weekend when I am dealing with a new baby".
Which indicates you don't want him to travel; I believe that makes you unreasonable.

Sambucus_Nigra

Errata wrote: »

Unfair? When you post "I'm currently pregnant (earlier days) and tbh I don't really want my partner gone every second weekend when I am dealing with a new baby".
Which indicates you don't want him to travel; I believe that makes you unreasonable.

She is allowed to want to spend time with the father of her baby!

And to expect him to be there more than half the time...especially in the early months. Isn't that why they now allow fathers to have paternity - to be there and bond?

OP - you are now a step mum. Nothing you want matters - it's par for the course. Everyone apart from you comes first. That's just the way it is.

Sky_

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

She is allowed to want to spend time with the father of her baby!

And to expect him to be there more than half the time...especially in the early months. Isn't that why they now allow fathers to have paternity - to be there and bond?

OP - you are now a step mum. Nothing you want matters - it's par for the course. Everyone apart from you comes first. That's just the way it is.

What she wants does matter, and of course she's allowed to spend time with him. But, there are a lot of people, with very varied needs, to be considered here so the OP will probably have to compromise quite a lot. The distance in particular doesn't help so a move nearer to the older children's home is seriously worth considering. It could potentially make life a lot easier all around.

Whatever they do, I'm sure they will find a workable solution if they view the situation with common sense, fairness and talk to the children's mum about the different options.

Just to note, every other weekend is not 50% of the time. Evenings and nights account for an awful lot of each week and many men work away a lot or regularly have to work long hours, including weekends. Are you saying those women are unable to cope and that the men in those situations do not bond with their babies?

OP, how often does he see the children now?

Sambucus_Nigra

Sky_ wrote: »

What she wants does matter, and of course she's allowed to spend time with him. But, there are a lot of people, with very varied needs, to be considered here so the OP will probably have to compromise quite a lot. The distance in particular doesn't help so a move nearer to the older children's home is seriously worth considering. It could potentially make life a lot easier all around.

Whatever they do, I'm sure they will find a workable solution if they view the situation with common sense, fairness and talk to the children's mum about the different options.

Just to note, every other weekend is not 50% of the time. Evenings and nights account for an awful lot of each week and many men work away a lot or regularly have to work long hours, including weekends. Are you saying those women are unable to cope and that the men in those situations do not bond with their babies?

OP, how often does he see the children now?

I'm not saying anything - but calling her unreasonable for [shock horror] wanting her baby's father to be there every weekend rather than just half of them is not on.

If weekends are what we are talking about, and the father is not there every other weekend, then that is 50% of the time [simple maths]. I'm sure evenings and nights the father might be tired from working and it's the weekends when the mother gets a little daytime help that the OP is talking about.

glitter_fairy

If I was you DH I would be looking at moving closer to my children.

Sky_

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

I'm not saying anything - but calling her unreasonable for [shock horror] wanting her baby's father to be there every weekend rather than just half of them is not on.

If weekends are what we are talking about, and the father is not there every other weekend, then that is 50% of the time [simple maths]. I'm sure evenings and nights the father might be tired from working and it's the weekends when the mother gets a little daytime help that the OP is talking about.

If you think the above is reasonable and fair for all concerned then there isn't much else to say about it.

I have sympathy for the OP but she chose to be in this situation and will have to manage it as best she can. The children probably had little (if any) say in their father's choices.

Luckily for the older children and her OH, the OP seems to understand that someone wants and what is reasonable are not necessarily the same thing.