divorced couples - how often do you see your kids?

Sky_

Saying they have to travel so far every other weekend because it is easier/cheaper/more convenient for you and their father than him staying in a hotel with them is pretty selfish!

If their dad stays down there with them, they could attend birthday parties and other important (to them) activities each weekend.

If they travel to you every other weekend they will not only miss out on their social life and activities (very important to children's social and emotional developement), they will also be exhausted every Monday morning, which is hardly conducive to them doing well at school.

The children did not choose their dad's move, to have their parents split up or for you to become pregnant, so why should they lose out even more than they already have?

Rebecca01

Errata wrote: »

If you want his children to do the 500 mile round trip every other weekend you'll be able to experience the joy of having two cranky kids and a cranky baby under the same roof. Good luck with that.

The Service station order on the motorway stay inprinted on the brain forever.:D

Person_one

sharrison778 wrote: »

If nothing else, he can't cook so I end up making all the meals.

Has he had both arms amputated?

clearingout

sharrison778 wrote: »

I don't do the actual negotiations with the ex but given whatever is agreed to has a big impact on me, my partner and I talk through the options. We live together so when the kids are here, it changes our lifestyle. If nothing else, he can't cook so I end up making all the meals.

Kids are 13 and 11. And yes, my partner was the one who moved cities for work reasons.

I'm not unsympathetic to their mothers arguments re activities but at the same time they need meaningful contact with their dad.

Another factor is that I'm currently pregnant (earlier days) and tbh I don't really want my partner gone every second weekend when I am dealing with a new baby.

No easy answers I suspect.

it's not really about what you want though, is it? why should mum be reasonable about arrangements to suit you if she believes that will mean her children miss out? Essentially what you want is to dictate contact to suit your needs. Unfortunately, when two families merge in this way, overcoming these difficulties inevitably means that somone, somewhere needs to let go and do something they don't want to do.

If the children are 13 and 11, they are more than likely not going to thank you for having to sit in a car for all those hours. How on earth they would get school work done is beyond me. They are also of an age where they will be wanting to socialise and will be less and less dependent on their parents (either of them). I am afraid that this is something that needs careful thought and 'every other weekend' just doesn't seem to cut it.

No, there are no easy answers. But I'm pretty sure at that distance, every other weekend isn't the answer. I suspect the best you can hope for is once a month at weekend with half of holidays. Anything else would probably involve your partner travelling and staying.

Is mum agreeable to meeting you half way? If not, every other weekend you won't see your partner regardless of whether you have the children or not 'cos he'll spend most of it in the car.

Be very careful with the demands you now place on your partner. If backed into a corner and forced to choose, you may not like what he chooses.

kj*daisy

You can't just miss activities every other weekend, they are usually paid for in a block and they may not be able to miss so much and still play in teams, take dance exams etc. at that age they will also have homework, parties and just want to see friends. Would mum agree to them coming to you once a month, then once a month your DH goes there on his own on saturday and stays in a travelodge overnight and takes then to all activities etc for the weekend as usual. That won't cost more than the petrol he'll save not doing the return journey twice surely? And you can book them up well in advance and get cheap deals. He will see them as much and they will get dad doing their normal routine stuff with them and if they have parties and stuff can still go to them and see Dad. You will only have him away once a month and they will see their new sibling once a month, but still get time with their dad on their own. Have them for long weekends with you in the school hols.

sulkisu

I'm another one that thinks that he should do the travelling, I'm afraid, especially as he was the one that moved away. A five hundred mile round trip is quite a lot to do every other weekend. Depending how they travel, I'm guessing that it would mean an early start on Saturday, getting down to you late the same day, probably tired and ratty. Not much time to do anything before going to bed and getting up early to get back home at a decent hour on Sunday. It doesn't sound like much of a weekend.
Unfortunately, you may well have to spend time alone with your baby while he visits his children - but it will only be every other weekend. If you expect his children to do it, there's no real reason why he can't.

Errata

I wouldn't want my kids anywhere near a woman who thinks this is a reasonable option.
Kids aren't parcels.

sharrison778

Errata wrote: »

I wouldn't want my kids anywhere near a woman who thinks this is a reasonable option.
Kids aren't parcels.

That's really unfair.

Every second weekend was their dads idea. As I said, I'm sympathetic to their.mums complaint that it would mean they miss activities. And I think its a lot of travel to expect them to do.

At the same time, I'm trying to help my partner find the best way to maintain a relationship with his kids.

It's not easy and judgemental comments like that don't help. I came here looking for constructive feedback!!

sharrison778

Oh and we don't intend to ask their mother to travel or do half the driving. Any transport, whether its us or the kids will be our time and expense. That's never been an issue. she has the kids the majority of the time, asking her to drive long distances as well would be unfair.

doelani

Hi Sharrison,

I am mother of 3 who's father has seen them about 4 times in 14 years and a stepmom to 3 who we had stay with us 3 times a week for about 10 years. We do not have a distance issue like your husband.

Has anyone asked the children what they want ? When my stepkids were about 11+ they started wanting to stay at their own home more than come here 3 nights a week. Eventually the 3 nights was cut down and by times they were 14 one had stopped staying and one stopped at 15 and one at 17.

Visits being cut will not stop your partner being their father, he can text, Skype , phone etc in between visits but what the kids want has to come into it.

You mention about when our stepkids stay it changes your lifestyle , of course It does and always will. When I met my hubby he came as part of a package, there was him, his kids and his ex wife. All part of it I'm afraid and I would not treat his kids any different to my own and yes it has been hard at times but that's what I agreed to.

I hope you can all sort something out but giving the distance and the new baby your partner may have to accept that visits will be less frequent but it will make them all the better when he does see the kids.

All the best