divorced couples - how often do you see your kids?

podperson

What ages are the kids? Do be honest it does seem a lot of travelling for them every other weekend. Do they feel like they'd be missing on their lessons/games or is more their mum? Could you maybe look at doing every other weekend but one time they come up to you and next you go down to them - it would surely only be overnight once a month and you can get Travelodge and similar fairly cheap. Especially the one playing sports might really appreciate it if dad could come to some of their games.

daska

My son currently lives a 400 mile round trip from me. He comes to visit every holiday. I'd love to see him more often but he used to live with me and I saw the distress that not being able to go to his friends birthday parties or attend clubs brought him. Those who state that the NRP should get alternate weekends regardless of the effect on the child should perhaps reflect that contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the child, not the parent. Every case is different, every child is different. DSD would quite happily have spent every weekend with her dad when she was living with her mum and was pleased to move to live with us. DS1 on the other hand hated having to visit every other weekend and would have preferred less.

Errata

I honestly think it's utterly unreasonable for a parent to expect their children to make a 500 mile trip every other weekend.

74jax

sharrison778 wrote: »

I'm interested to hear from others who are seperated or divorced and now living a significant distance from their children.

I'm the new partner - my boyfriend and I are trying to negotiate with his children's mother about how often they come to stay with us. The distance between their home and ours is about 250miles, so its not a quick drive!

My boyfriend wants every second weekend, but their mother opposes that as it would mean every second weekend they miss their sports game or music lesson. Going to visit them isnt really viable for us, as it would cost a fortune in hotels.

We cant be the only couple dealing with kids living in another city but I cannot find anything online about how others make the arrangement work.

I'd love to hear from others - how you make it work and what wo9rks best for your kids?

When I split with my ExH I chose to move away, so I did everything I could possibly to to keep the relationship up between DD and ExH.

Ours is a 3hours round trip - perhaps not as long as your trip would be.

I would take her to her dads on the Friday after school and he would bring her back on the Sunday, this was every fortnight and all school holidays were halved equally.

During winter/darks nights etc it was really hard and I did wonder about having her travel for so long in the car ie was it fair. But the relationship she has with her Dad now shows how right it was 'for us' as a family.

Now she choses when she goes (shes 14) and gets the train between the two places, although this only started a couple of months ago.

Tiglath

DH's ex moved about 40 miles away when they divorced. When the kids were small he drove there and back twice a week after work, then when they reached their teens it became once a week. Stepson is now away at uni and stepdaughter is also an adult living with her Mum, so he sees her once a week unless she's working that night. They used to stay with us every other weekend and chunks of the holidays but that reduced as they developed outside activities in their teens. Now we seem to be the guesthouse as they travel from one town to another From time to time the front door opens unexpectedly and a longhaired bearded hulk walks in, and I have to remind myself he was the 8 year old boy I first met ...

balletshoes

it may be that the kids are doing well in their clubs/activities, want to progress, and can only do so if they attend every week (and maybe its only on the weekend they can do these activities).

If thats the case, I think the kids' Dad should travel to them and see them there.

I know with my DD's dance class, if she attended every fortnight instead of every week, there really wouldn't be much point in her going, as she wouldn't be able to take part in the shows or exams with her classmates (and most of the classes only take place on the weekends).

SingleSue

snuggle69 wrote: »

You might not like my response to this one but!!!!

Has your partner chosen to move 250 miles from his children? If so then its his responsibility to do all the travelling to and from seeing his children, he should have considered hotel cost before choosing to move so far away! If the children enjoy their weekend activities to right they shouldnt miss them, he has to make the effort to get back and work around their lives not them around his new life. The poor kids have been through enough trauma already with their parents splitting up.

If it is the case that he has chosen to move then if he wants to see them fortnightly then he should travel fortnightly. And remember its important for the children to keep their bond strong with their father so the visits are important.

If its the mother that has moved then their needs to be some flexibility I agree but from your post I am thinking it is probably the dad.

Sorry if this all seems harsh but now I will tell you what happened to my children. We split up due to my ex having an affair with a woman who lived 170 miles away and I found out. When this happened our children were 10, 12, 14 and 18 so slightly older. But by him moving so far away they felt as though he was not interested in them anymore. The long and the short is that due to this long distance the visits are minimal and now my children really arent to bothered if they see their dad or not, which I find very sad.

Just be careful that by being so far away your partner does not lose his bond with them as I am sure its something that my ex will regret in years to come.

Similar story here

The boys were 12,9 and 7 when we split and he moved 400 miles away. He initially had them on odd weekends where we would meet halfway so we had equal travel expenses but that soon went by the wayside (his choice not mine)

They now barely have a relationship with their father, see him for approx 2 hours a year when he comes back to the town to see friends or other family and they feel exactly the same as your children do about their father...they really feel he couldn't care less about them.

sharrison778

**Patty** wrote: »

As a step-mum for the last 15 years, i'll give you a small piece of advice.

This is not for YOU to negotiate, it's for your partner. Support him by all means......

Stay out of it & it should work itself into harmony.

I don't do the actual negotiations with the ex but given whatever is agreed to has a big impact on me, my partner and I talk through the options. We live together so when the kids are here, it changes our lifestyle. If nothing else, he can't cook so I end up making all the meals.

Kids are 13 and 11. And yes, my partner was the one who moved cities for work reasons.

I'm not unsympathetic to their mothers arguments re activities but at the same time they need meaningful contact with their dad.

Another factor is that I'm currently pregnant (earlier days) and tbh I don't really want my partner gone every second weekend when I am dealing with a new baby.

No easy answers I suspect.

daisiegg

Here's how it works for my partner and his daughter.

His daughter is 16. He lives about 200 miles away from her (4 hour trip door to door, whether driving or on the train, each way). He moved this distance away when she was about 9 I think (they split up - never married, mind you - when she was 6).

He has seen her religiously every other weekend that entire time (and I mean RELIGIOUSLY - nothing can change the routine!). He gets a train up to where she lives on the Friday night, picks her up, they both stay in a hotel for the weekend, he drops her at home on Sunday afternoon and comes home. I often go with him but not always as it is important for them to have a relationship apart from me.

He does this regardless of the cost and regardless of the fact that it means he is only at home two weekends a month and regardless of the fact it leaves him shattered. If she has something she wants to do at the weekend (she has never really done any extra curricular activities, but she might have a party to go to or a gig or something) he takes her to it so she doesn't miss out. She doesn't have to travel at all - she is picked up from her front door and dropped off again.

The only time she travels to us is in holidays when she comes to stay for a little bit longer than a weekend. She has recently (at 16 and a half) come down on the train on her own for the first time, but before that, we would drive to pick her up (8 hour round trip) and back again to drop her off.

I don't think children should have to travel and miss out on things just to see their parent. It's not their fault their parents don't live together anymore or that one moved away. Yes, it's difficult both for my partner and for me (though I do not come into it and would never dream of expressing the fact that I find it hard - it is too important for them to have a relationship) but it's about priorities.

Errata

sharrison778 wrote: »

I don't do the actual negotiations with the ex but given whatever is agreed to has a big impact on me, my partner and I talk through the options. We live together so when the kids are here, it changes our lifestyle. If nothing else, he can't cook so I end up making all the meals.

Kids are 13 and 11. And yes, my partner was the one who moved cities for work reasons.

I'm not unsympathetic to their mothers arguments re activities but at the same time they need meaningful contact with their dad.

Another factor is that I'm currently pregnant (earlier days) and tbh I don't really want my partner gone every second weekend when I am dealing with a new baby.

No easy answers I suspect.

If you want his children to do the 500 mile round trip every other weekend you'll be able to experience the joy of having two cranky kids and a cranky baby under the same roof. Good luck with that.