divorced couples - how often do you see your kids?

sharrison778

I'm interested to hear from others who are seperated or divorced and now living a significant distance from their children.

I'm the new partner - my boyfriend and I are trying to negotiate with his children's mother about how often they come to stay with us. The distance between their home and ours is about 250miles, so its not a quick drive!

My boyfriend wants every second weekend, but their mother opposes that as it would mean every second weekend they miss their sports game or music lesson. Going to visit them isnt really viable for us, as it would cost a fortune in hotels.

We cant be the only couple dealing with kids living in another city but I cannot find anything online about how others make the arrangement work.

I'd love to hear from others - how you make it work and what wo9rks best for your kids?

bizzybee

Can I just ask, how old are the children?

clearingout

much depends on their age and what might be considered appropriate. It's not really about what you want. If they like music/dance and want to progress, they need to attend their classes. At the same time, they need a relationship with their dad.

There is a need to consider the impact of that level of travelling on children of any age on such a regular basis - I would be willing to bet it would be too much on an every other weekend basis. There's also the impact on relationships, not attending birthday parties, other ad hoc activities because they're travelling.

I would suggest once a month might be more appropriate with at least half the holidays. Other than that, your partner may need to consider re-locating to have a decent relationship with his children.

Rebecca01

I typed a long reply but my phone deleted it.

In a nutshell when I first met my OH he was living in the London area and seeing his girls a few nights in the week and atleast one day a weekend if not more.

This continued for a while until his ex decided she wanted to move to Devon ,as she liked the life style there. OH was heartbroken. It was a tough time.

For the next three years , we travelled a 360 mile round trip on a Friday night and again on the sunday afternoon. OH worked long hours , he was always tired. Luckily our daughter was a good traveller. So we could both go and share the driving.

When things got better with his
ex, she started meeting us halfway and did so for a while. She did this until she became pregnant and could no longer do it.

It was then we found ourselves in the situation you are in now. The girls had developed a good life in Devon and had clubs and friends they wanted to do and see. At this point OH had to work away to. So we started going down to see them and staying in hotels every so often, when they had a school play or a running competition or the like. This could be expensive but sometimes the cheap deals of the travelodge and Prem inn were cheaper than petrol.

Eventually I got fed up and lonely ,being on my own with my daughter. So we made the decision to move up North to my family. We would have stayed had the girls still lived in London.

So now we live in the North East, the girls in Devon. 360 miles between us. We see the girls in school holidays . We sometimes go down for the weekend , I would say we have managed once a month so far. Its expensive , but we are managing. We facetime them about four times a week. My daughter loves it. Though she does miss her sisters a lot. OH struggles at times , and misses them. However we all live in much nicer places, the girls have a lovely community as do we. It just means when we do get to spend time together , we appreciate it more.

I have just booked three days to see them at Christmas in London ( ex meeting us there as her family are still there). Last year it was OH turn/time for Christmas so we took them to America for two weeks to see OH family.

OP it can work, its hard at times but just make the best of it that you can.

Maureen43

Rebecca01 wrote: »

I typed a long reply but my phone deleted it.

In a nutshell when I first met my OH he was living in the London area and seeing his girls a few nights in the week and atleast one day a weekend if not more.

This continued for a while until his ex decided she wanted to move to Devon ,as she liked the life style there. OH was heartbroken. It was a tough time.

For the next three years , we travelled a 360 mile round trip on a Friday night and again on the sunday afternoon. OH worked long hours , he was always tired. Luckily our daughter was a good traveller. So we could both go and share the driving.

When things got better with his
ex, she started meeting us halfway and did so for a while. She did this until she became pregnant and could no longer do it.

It was then we found ourselves in the situation you are in now. The girls had developed a good life in Devon and had clubs and friends they wanted to do and see. At this point OH had to work away to. So we started going down to see them and staying in hotels every so often, when they had a school play or a running competition or the like. This could be expensive but sometimes the cheap deals of the travelodge and Prem inn were cheaper than petrol.

Eventually I got fed up and lonely ,being on my own with my daughter. So we made the decision to move up North to my family. We would have stayed had the girls still lived in London.

So now we live in the North East, the girls in Devon. 360 miles between us. We see the girls in school holidays . We sometimes go down for the weekend , I would say we have managed once a month so far. Its expensive , but we are managing. We facetime them about four times a week. My daughter loves it. Though she does miss her sisters a lot. OH struggles at times , and misses them. However we all live in much nicer places, the girls have a lovely community as do we. It just means when we do get to spend time together , we appreciate it more.

I have just booked three days to see them at Christmas in London ( ex meeting us there as her family are still there). Last year it was OH turn/time for Christmas so we took them two America for two weeks to see OH family.

OP it can work, its hard at times but just make the best of it that you can.

Random thought, but you sound like a lovely step mum!

Rebecca01

Thank you Maureen. :-)

Yargo1

My husband sees his children every other weekend, they are 10 and 15

We wanted to see them more but the mum won't allow this even though the ten year old in particular wanted a week on week off with us.

My husband agreed to every other weekend when he was on his own but would like more contact which I support.

I feel the mother is not wanting to as she doesn't like the Fact her daughter and I are close and that 9 times out of ten she would chose to spend time with me rather than her dad.

But we are hoping as time goes on the mum might allow this or if not at least the kids know we wanted them more :-)

nfollows1982

What caused the distance between the 2 households?

Did your partner move away to be with you? Did the ex move away with the children to be with someone else? Did your partner move away for other reasons and the distance has always been an issue?

I only ask because I am an NRP and my son lives a fair distance away, not as far as your situation, but it is still a 250 mile round trip.

Until recent issues with the ex, I had been seeing my son every other weekend and as it was me that was responsible for the distance, I was responsible for the travelling etc.

In my own opinion, if your partners ex is responsible for there being such a great distance between your partner and his kids, then she should share 50% of the responsibility to ensure he still sees them (meeting at services or whatever).

I don't agree with her attitude that the kids will miss this and that so they can't see their dad at the weekends. I will always say that NRP's who want to see their kids should be applauded and given every opportunity to do so, they can go to their activity clubs anytime!

**Patty**

sharrison778 wrote: »

I'm interested to hear from others who are seperated or divorced and now living a significant distance from their children.

I'm the new partner - my boyfriend and I are trying to negotiate with his children's mother about how often they come to stay with us. The distance between their home and ours is about 250miles, so its not a quick drive!

My boyfriend wants every second weekend, but their mother opposes that as it would mean every second weekend they miss their sports game or music lesson. Going to visit them isnt really viable for us, as it would cost a fortune in hotels.

We cant be the only couple dealing with kids living in another city but I cannot find anything online about how others make the arrangement work.

I'd love to hear from others - how you make it work and what wo9rks best for your kids?

As a step-mum for the last 15 years, i'll give you a small piece of advice.

This is not for YOU to negotiate, it's for your partner. Support him by all means......

Stay out of it & it should work itself into harmony.

chocdonuty

My dd lives with me and see's her dad most holidays, he lives 3 1/2 hrs away including ferry travel. She always see's him for about a week at new year, easter and summer, half terms are a bit hit and miss depending on whats happening. He cannot drive and public transport is very difficult for him so I always drive to drop off and pick up and we share the petrol cost of that.
If he lived nearer then yes he'd see her more often, he could have her while I work it'd save me a fortune and make her happier!
Also maybe if I had a lot more money for my own car and petrol cost it wouldn't be every other weekend but possibly every 4-6 weeks or so?

snuggle69

You might not like my response to this one but!!!!

Has your partner chosen to move 250 miles from his children? If so then its his responsibility to do all the travelling to and from seeing his children, he should have considered hotel cost before choosing to move so far away! If the children enjoy their weekend activities to right they shouldnt miss them, he has to make the effort to get back and work around their lives not them around his new life. The poor kids have been through enough trauma already with their parents splitting up.

If it is the case that he has chosen to move then if he wants to see them fortnightly then he should travel fortnightly. And remember its important for the children to keep their bond strong with their father so the visits are important.

If its the mother that has moved then their needs to be some flexibility I agree but from your post I am thinking it is probably the dad.

Sorry if this all seems harsh but now I will tell you what happened to my children. We split up due to my ex having an affair with a woman who lived 170 miles away and I found out. When this happened our children were 10, 12, 14 and 18 so slightly older. But by him moving so far away they felt as though he was not interested in them anymore. The long and the short is that due to this long distance the visits are minimal and now my children really arent to bothered if they see their dad or not, which I find very sad.

Just be careful that by being so far away your partner does not lose his bond with them as I am sure its something that my ex will regret in years to come.