divorced couples - how often do you see your kids?

Sambucus_Nigra

Errata wrote: »

It's unreasonable not to want the father to parent his existing children in a way that benefits them; a way that allows them to socialise with their friends during weekends, do their activies, homework, and not to be totally knackered every other Monday morning.
As I've said before, children are not parcels to be dragged around hither and thither and I'd be very wary of any father who thought that was a good idea.

It's not unreasonable to want to spend time with the father of your child once you have a new born either.

clearingout

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

It's not unreasonable to want to spend time with the father of your child once you have a new born either.

but why wouldn't she be able to spend time with the father of her child the rest of the 12 days a fortnight she is proposing is suitable for him to see his children (which he is also suggesting - I am not having a go at the OP as her situation is impossible and she'll never win!)?

Sambucus_Nigra

clearingout wrote: »

but why wouldn't she be able to spend time with the father of her child the rest of the 12 days a fortnight she is proposing is suitable for him to see his children (which he is also suggesting - I am not having a go at the OP as her situation is impossible and she'll never win!)?

She will. When he's not at work. But she's pregnant and asking for people's situations. It is allowed!

And she probably isn't looking forward to every other weekend on her own with a new born. I can't say I would either. It doesn't mean she is being 'utterly unreasonable' and deserving of a good old MSE kicking for merely asking.

steve-L

clearingout wrote: »

but why wouldn't she be able to spend time with the father of her child the rest of the 12 days a fortnight she is proposing is suitable for him to see his children (which he is also suggesting - I am not having a go at the OP as her situation is impossible and she'll never win!)?

Neither will her OH.... who it seems plenty of people seem happy to assume he decided he wanted to move away from his kids or have an affair or...... well, it must be his fault ... not the mother of his children?

It seems he wants to spend time with ALL his children, that is hardly a bad thing? Quite why a number of people assume that the mother of his children didn't have an affair and move away instead of blaming the father is beyond me.....

It seems equally likely things didn't work out and he has for one reason or another (now in the past) found himself unable to see 2 of his children as often as he/they might like.

Much as the kids might have other interests at the weekend they are not old enough to know that they are missing the chance to also know their father.

(Incidentally, I'm from a single parent family, my mother had an affair and moved away from my father ... who couldn't win custody and so we went with her... she then poisoned (is perhaps too strong a word) my brother and I against my father. My brother and I then didn't get the opportunity to know our father properly until MUCH later .... At the time I preferred to do lots of things other than seeing the 'bad man' my mother portrayed my father as....but I was a young kid. If I knew then I was missing this opportunity and what it might mean later and had the benefit of maturity I would have seen a lot more of my father.

I'm sure things were a lot more complex... and I'm sure the OP and her DH and his ex- situation is also complex so why keep judging them.....

:A

Errata

steve-L wrote: »

Neither will her OH.... who it seems plenty of people seem happy to assume he decided he wanted to move away from his kids or have an affair or...... well, it must be his fault ... not the mother of his children?

The OP has previously posted that he moved cities to be near her and to get another job.
Having read some of the other posts the OP has made, it appears she lives in America, so I'm not sure what useful information on her problem could be gained from people in the UK.

Rebecca01

Errata wrote: »

The OP has previously posted that he moved cities to be near her and to get another job.
Having read some of the other posts the OP has made, it appears she lives in America, so I'm not sure what useful information on her problem could be gained from people in the UK.

Oh Really! My MIL works in an airport in the USA. She says she regularly sees kids as young as 8 flying to see their parents.

If they are living in the States , two different cities can be quite a distance apart.

clearingout

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

She will. When he's not at work. But she's pregnant and asking for people's situations. It is allowed!

And she probably isn't looking forward to every other weekend on her own with a new born. I can't say I would either. It doesn't mean she is being 'utterly unreasonable' and deserving of a good old MSE kicking for merely asking.

I think that's unfair. She hasn't been given a 'kicking', she has received responses from people who feel strongly about the situation, generally based on their personal experience (I think). Most of us have to deal with situations in life we didn't engineer or want or need. I looked after a newborn on my own because my (now ex) husband left me pregnant for another woman. That wasn't fair or reasonable but I had no choice but to deal with it.

It's not unreasonable to want your husband around when you have a child. But nor is it unreasonable that he should be 'allowed' a relationship with his other children. At what point is he 'allowed' to leave his baby? when will it be acceptable that the OP is left alone with her own child to manage?

clearingout

steve-L wrote: »

Neither will her OH.... who it seems plenty of people seem happy to assume he decided he wanted to move away from his kids or have an affair or...... well, it must be his fault ... not the mother of his children? I am not sure anyone has made any such assumption. But what is clear is that there is a distance to overcome.

It seems he wants to spend time with ALL his children, that is hardly a bad thing? Quite why a number of people assume that the mother of his children didn't have an affair and move away instead of blaming the father is beyond me..... I don't think anyone has suggested he shouldn't spend time with all his children, have they? And even if 'the mother' had had an affair, what difference does that make to the questions the OP has asked? What is clear is that the needs of the children are paramount and the OP is looking for ways to overcome the problems she is faced with. Many of us consider the distance unreasonable on an every other weekend basis. More still consider it appropriate that at age 11 and 13, the children are allowed to pursue their hobbies and other activities.

It seems equally likely things didn't work out and he has for one reason or another (now in the past) found himself unable to see 2 of his children as often as he/they might like.

Much as the kids might have other interests at the weekend they are not old enough to know that they are missing the chance to also know their father.

(Incidentally, I'm from a single parent family, my mother had an affair and moved away from my father ... who couldn't win custody and so we went with her... she then poisoned (is perhaps too strong a word) my brother and I against my father. My brother and I then didn't get the opportunity to know our father properly until MUCH later .... At the time I preferred to do lots of things other than seeing the 'bad man' my mother portrayed my father as....but I was a young kid. If I knew then I was missing this opportunity and what it might mean later and had the benefit of maturity I would have seen a lot more of my father. I am sorry you have had a difficult time. But please don't assume all women do the same. We don't. Many of us go without and walk over hot coals (almost literally) to ensure our children have a relationship with their father, even after being treated horribly and whilst continuing to be treated very badly outwith the relationship. There is no indication here that 'the mother' has attempted to cause any problems with the father-child relationship - there is simply a difference of opinion in how the relationship should be maintained with such a distance between them.

I'm sure things were a lot more complex... and I'm sure the OP and her DH and his ex- situation is also complex so why keep judging them..... it's a public forum, a question was asked, people have responded.

:A

comments in bold, above

Person_one

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

OP - you are now a step mum. Nothing you want matters - it's par for the course. Everyone apart from you comes first. That's just the way it is.

Getting into a weird step mum persecution mindset isn't remotely helpful.

As far as who matters, the children matter more than the adults, and the children from the first family matter just as much as the child from the second. Step-parents surely realise this is the case when they marry people with children?

sharrison778

This will be long, but I've tried to address a few points people have raised.


Has anyone asked the children what they want?

It’s been discussed with them. They said they’re happy to come up and see their father but they’ve also been given time to think it over some more.

Being children, I doubt the realities of long travel times and missing friend’s parties etc has crossed their mind.

It's doubtful they would be impressed at travelling so far every other weekend, atthe expense of time with their mates, to spend their time being woken up by anewborn and with activities constrained by their sibling's needs.

I agree that they would not enjoy the travel but they are excited about the baby. The youngest (a girl) is particularly excited to have a younger sibling to play with. She’s surprisingly family orientated.

Tobe fair, OP did ask about people's experiences, which I assume is to getdifferent perspective on the best ways forward.

Exactly. I’m already quite aware thatit’s not an ideal situation.

Being a stepmother is hard. I didn’t do it lightly and I thought long and hard in the early days of my relationship about whether I could handle it. Ever since, I’ve done my best. I don’t have kids of my own, I don’t always know how to handle them but I’ve put in a lot of effort reading guides by experts and talking to other people in the same situation to try and avoid making mistakes. It’s the reason I posed this question in the first place.

OP,how often does he see the children now?

Currently the arrangements are ad hocbut it works out to about weekly. He travels a lot for work and he arranges tosee them when he’s travelling through their city.

It’s good in the sense that he gets to see them but it doesn’t really give their mother a decent break or the ability to make other arrangements easily (like seeing her friends), so in the longer term it’s not really a desirable arrangement.

Plus from next year his job will change and there will be a lot less travel. Barely any travel, compared to what he does now. That’s what sparked the discussion about bedding down some more permanent arrangements.

Divorceswith Kids are rarely simple.... he might have chosen to keep his job to enablehim to keep paying child support.... or lots of reasons....

Bingo. He moved to keep his job.

Currently he pays well above the legally required child support. About double. This enabled his ex and the kids to stay in their family home, stay at the same school etc. If we moved to their city (which is much smaller), it would involve a huge pay cut for both of us and he couldn’t afford to pay as much child support. His ex couldn’t afford to keep the house without it and they’d have to move too.

butwhy wouldn't she be able to spend time with the father of her child the rest ofthe 12 days a fortnight she is proposing is suitable for him to see hischildren (which he is also suggesting - I am not having a go at the OP as hersituation is impossible and she'll never win!)?

To be clear, I haven’t proposed anyarrangement.

Maybe I should have explained in more detail but I was more interested in hearing how others cope than advice on myown situation.

As I said above, the current status quo works now but from next year, it won’t. My OH has many great qualities, but dealing with tricky situations like this are not his strong suit. He tends to bury his head in the sand and hope it all goes away. I’m trying to help.

He first suggested every second weekend. For the many reasons mentioned by others, I don’t think it’s a good idea. However, I haven’t expressed this opinion to him because I don’t want to be seen as an impediment to him having contact with his children. I don’t want to just raise problems; I want to help him find a solution. Hence my interest in hearing how others manage it.



TheOP has previously posted that he moved cities to be near her and to get anotherjob. Having read some of the other posts the OP has made, it appears she livesin America, so I'm not sure what useful information on her problem could begained from people in the UK.

I don’t live in America but you’re right that I’m not in the UK. But since I’m not asking a legal question, I’mnot sure that countries really matter in this.

I’ve tried to find more ‘on topic’websites. Stepmother websites tend to focus on the day to day realities of blended families and it’s not really relevant. Some divorce websites mention custody issues but it all tends to be very acrimonious. I haven’t found anything ideal yet.

There isno indication here that 'the mother' has attempted to cause any problems withthe father-child relationship - there is simply a difference of opinion in howthe relationship should be maintained with such a distance between them.

This is true. Their mother has never denied him access to the children or put up any kind of barrier. It’s probably more true to say she’s been very decent accepting the current ad hoc arrangements and deserves better.





As I said, I’m interested to hear what others do. Has anyone managed to maintain good relationships with their kids (or their ex has, with their kids)via school holiday visits and regular phone calls and emails? Skype?