Domestic

UserName01_2

I have registered with a new username as I don't want to post my personal life on my regular account.

I have had problem with an abusive ex for over one year now. He was abusive while we were in a relationship but only when he was drunk. He does have a drink and drug problem which he kept hidden from me until it was too late. I left the relationship at the beginning of this year due to the abuse, threats, insults, violence and his drink/drug & jealousy problems.

We don't keep in contact or have each others phone number but whenever he sees me driving past, he will follow me and give me abuse. On Monday gone, I noticed he was following my car so I drove into a housing estate not wanting to be stopped by the traffic lights in front knowing he would get out of his car. I did not know where I was going and ending up in cul de sac with no space to turn my car round. He blocked my car in, got out and punched my car window out - resulting in the glass shattering all over my face.

I drove straight to the police station as I was passing on my way home and was told to phone the police out to my house as the station was closed. I went home and reported the incident and was told someone would be out within an hour. I waited four hours and still nothing so I phoned again and I asked when someone would be out as I had glass in my eye and needed to get straight to the eye infirmary. I was told someone would be out within 30 minutes, I waited 45 minutes and decided to get to the eye infirmary as my eye was getting worse.

I got to the eye infirmary and as the nurse was cleaning my wounds up, the police walked in. I reported the incident at 6pm and the police didn't come out until after 11pm! They took notes and said they would go and look for him straight away and I would be contacted as soon as he was arrested. I heard nothing until the next day when another officer came out to take a full statement which took 3 hours! I can't fault the officer as she was so helpful and even contacted me again the next day to ask how I was and to inform me someone would be out looking for him that night (48 hours after it happened).

Thursday dinner time I had still heard nothing so I contacted the station for an update and was told he was arrested late Wednesday night and to wait a while for an update as he needs to be interviewed. I can't imagine them releasing him without interviewing so my guess is that he was still being held at the station, possibly because he was drunk and they couldn't interview him or he was being a nuisance in the cell or they are too busy since it took them 5 hours to come out and see me and over 48 hours to go and look for him!

The problem is that the office who came out to take a statment will no longer be dealing with this case as it is being passed to a station closer to where the incident happened, although both stations are in the same town. I am just wondering why the police are not keeping me up to date? I shouldn't have to keep chasing them. It would have eased my mind if I known he was eventually arrested but I still don't know what is happening (charged / bailed etc).

They don't seem to take domestic violence seriously. I have reported him earlier this year and the police just weren't interested, they came out and gave advice to us both and that was it. They werent bothered about the abuse and threats and that I am afraid to go out drinking in case I see him.

Should they have informed me when he was arrested and if he has been charged or released on bail? They know the type of person he is as he has previous convictions but he probably still get let off with just a slap on the wrist! If he pleads guilty or is found guilty he will be charged with criminal damage as well as assault due to the glass cutting my face and eye (the glass scratched my eye so my vision is blurred in one eye).

I can't see him admitting assault and damage so I am just hoping he has a hand injury through putting his fist through the window (although he could of had a glove on). I don't think police are dealing with this properly, not only did I have to wait 5 hours for them to come out to see me but they also didn't go looking for him for over 48 hours - the sooner they got him the better as he could of had cuts or swelling which may have healed by the time they went looking for him.

I am not sure what to do now, I don't think I should have to keep chasing police but should they have kept me up to date, when he was arrested and if he was charged or on bail? He will have been interviewed on Thursday so should I have had an update by now?

BitterAndTwisted

I suspect the police didn't come out to see you quickly because you were no longer in imminent danger.

And I don't think the police actually have any formal obligation to inform you of what is happening with their enquiries. I expect they are rather too busy trying to catch the bad guys.

That's not to say that I think your concerns are not truly legitimate because they are. I'd be thinking about trying to get some support from Womens Aid in following it up. Even if they cant help you directly they may be able to offer advice on trying to protect yourself from this maniac in future.

marisco_2

I am really sorry to hear of what you have suffered and are going through. If I were you I would contact a solicitor and see what steps they recommend in legally getting this abusive ex of yours to stay away from you.

The way he is behaving toward you amounts to abusive harrasement and he sounds majorly unhinged to put it mildly. His type are generally inadequate bullies, who the minute someone stands up to them and puts them in their place, back right off. Handle this legally and then take the ultimate revenge by getting on with your life happily without him being any part of it.

UserName01_2

The Police that came out said they were short staffed and busy attending more serious crimes at the time I reported the incident. Had they known I had glass in my eye and needed urgent medical treatment, they would have been out within 30 minutes as their main concern was my welfare not catching him (even though he was drink driving an could have killed an innocent family!). I didn't know about the glass in my eye at the time I reported the incident so I only reported the broken window and cuts all over my face.

They did say I would be informed when he was arrested to put my mind at rest so I feel let down that I still would not have known had I not phoned the station on Thursday dinner time. I really want to know what has happened, if there was enough evidence to charge him as I would imagine he would have at least some grazes on his hand, but I shouldn't have to chase it up.

They know how distressed I am and that I am afraid to go out alone. I have lost my self confidence since the abuse started over one year ago and have not been out drinking since in case I bump in to him. At least if we pass each other on the roads, I can try and make a get away and he will not be full of drink every time where as he would be if I seen him out.

The incident happened Monday evening. The police came to my house on Tuesday afternoon, we went to the scene where the incident happened then back to the station to make a statement. I then got a phone call on Wednesday afternoon to say the case has been passed on and someone will be out looking for him that night. She told me the reason they didn't go looking for him on the Tuesday was because there was a football match on at our stadium. I just feel let down by them as they took too long to come out and they did not inform me when he was arrested like they said they would.

They can only hold him at the station for 24 hours without charge so he will have been interviewed and released on Thursday. I thought they would have contacted me yesterday to give me a quick update to say if he was charged or not or if he is released on bail pending further enquiries. I know if it was the same Police woman dealing with it she would have kept me up to date with what is happening but she had to pass the case on to another station, they made the arrest so she is no longer dealing with the case.

I am just hoping he pleaded guilty or found guilty and charged so I can get some closure from all I have been put through. As he wasn't arrested for over 48 hours, this could have gave his hand time to heal so there could be no evidence.

I am unsure how long I should wait for an update from the Police. I would like to know what is happening but feel I may be being a little unpatient if I phone again on Monday?

Sambucus_Nigra

How far away do you live from him?

Could you possibly change cars and get a hat for when you are driving about? Just to try and keep a low profile for the time being? And look into moving somewhere else a little further away?

UserName01_2

We live 2 miles apart and unfortunately moving is not an option.

I have been trying to swap my car for a few months or even pay a couple of hundred more towards a trade in but can't find anything at the moment. I am always looking so hopefully something will come up soon.

marisco_2

You have been through an awful ordeal. I dont know you from adam but I get a very strong sense from the way your post is worded that you are living on your nerves right now, scared of your own shadow, too afraid to step outside your own front door and lead a normal happy life. This is down to the abuse your ex is levelling out to you. No-one has the right to make anybody else feel scared the way you are.

Phone the police and calmly ask them for an update. Explain to them that this latest incident is one of many that have occured over the last 12 months. Emphasise that your exs self control and any grip on reality is spiralling downwards and that his aggression is escalating. No normal person would behave this way toward anyone else. You are quite within your rights to speak with the police and ask for their advice and assistance.

Go to your gp and tell him/her all that has been going on. Get all the related stress and any health implications you have suffered as a result of all this onto your medical records. I have been in your shoes. My gp referred me to the domestic abuse and violence unit at my local police station. My self confidence was shattered and in pieces and I beleived they would give me a slap on the wrist for telling them about normal up and downs in my relationship. It came as an awful shock when I was told I was at their highest level of risk and my home was going on immediate response.

Protect yourself and know that you have every right to feel and be safe. Dont worry about phoning the police and wanting to know what is going on. Whatever helps give you reassurance and peace of mind is all that matters right now.

whitewing

Much as I dislike the name of the organisation, would Victim Support be useful? I don't know exactly what they do, but maybe they can listen, reassure you and chase up the police to get your questions answered. I completely understand how not getting updates quickly may make you feel less safe.

Fire_Fox

Sorry to hear this, must have been frightening. Police generally try to find a balance between what is urgent and what is important, once you were no longer in danger you were not urgent and looking for him was not urgent because he was unlikely to harm someone else or skip the country. They don't keep everyone informed throughout every case, it's too costly and time consuming, also it can harm the case because many members of the public are indiscreet.

Cuts on a hand won't heal in 48 hours, scratches from my cat take days to disappear. They don't only need physical evidence because, as you say, people can wear gloves. If he has not admitted the offence, the police should be checking to see if he has a solid alibi, if his car was registered by any CCTV cameras on that side of town, might interview those at his regular drinking haunts, could even check mobile phone (location of mast) or bank records (transactions).

UserName01_2

You are right, this incident is just one of many. I have been too scared to report other incidents as I don't know how he would react after. The first and only time I reported him to the police for abuse and threats earlier this year and all they advised was to change my phone number - and how is that going to stop him approaching me in public when he is full of drink and a violent lunatic. They were so unhelpful which is another reason I have not reported every incident, I just felt I wasted my time and theirs.

I am living in fear, I don't even dare answer my door at night or go anywhere alone. I won't even go out with friends on a night out, it's been this way for over a year now. I have zero self confidence and don't think that will ever return. He shattered my confidence with just the hurtful insults whenever he was drunk.

My GP is aware of what I am going through and I have gave the police permission to get my records from my GP and the eye infirmary. The police even said she could tell just by talking to me that I have lost my self confidence. I have even lost 2 stone in weight so I am now underweight through all the abuse.

I am pleased I have finally had good reason to get him arrested so now I am just hoping he has pleaded guilty or is charged so I can get some closure and try and find myself again.

marisco_2

UserName01 wrote: »

I am pleased I have finally had good reason to get him arrested so now I am just hoping he has pleaded guilty or is charged so I can get some closure and try and find myself again.

I dont want to make you feel worse but there is no way on earth he is going to plead guilty. Part of the mentality of someone like your ex is to not accept responsibility for anything they say or do. Correct me if I am wrong but I bet a pound to a penny anything that ever went wrong will not have been his fault in his eyes. His type try to deflect all their faults and failings onto other people.

Unless the police have witnesses or evidence that he did anything they cant charge him either. The time delays in all of this will count against there being any justice and him being made to face the consequences of such serious actions.

I would strongly recommend that you contact Women's aid and take their advice. They have a 24 hour freephone helpline number 0808 2000 247. I am sure they will take your situation very seriously.