'supporting each other through really tough times'

Peanut2013

SQ- sometimes you need to think about your family. In my head my family is me, my OH and our LO. They come first over anyone.

Have had a lovely day bought myself some much needed new underwear and this evening went for a great ski. Although after 5 hours my legs don't really work, hehe

Tomorrow were getting a quick breakfast (after treating ourself to a McDonald's lunch today we got instant win vouchers for porridge, sausage and egg muffin and 2 hot drinks ) and heading home for cuddles from LO!

monnagran

Kidcat: Yes. I think it would be better (cheaper) to re-do the whole bath - and matching washbasin. Bearing in mind that this is a tied house and that if and when we move on, the church will most probably sell the house. I think I will ignore it for the time being and come clean about it when the time is right. It is so old and hideous that it would probably be just as well to replace the bath and wash basin.

sq: I think Kidcat has the right idea. Take some time out and see how you feel about things after a period with no contact and no stress. I also agree with Peanut. Your family is you, your OH and the children. They come first and as and when the children are old enough to understand emotional minefields, you can be honest about the situation. Fingers crossed for you.

Just cleared up after the day and made the puddings for my Drop-in friends tomorrow. Someone gave me a load of bread so tomorrow they have bread pudding and bread and butter pudding. A bit samey but I don't suppose they'll mind.

x

7_week_wonder

Morning toughies,

Can I ask for advice from your collective wisdom?

We have always known that we would be responsible for looking after an elderly relative when needed and up until this week it has been very low level support. But at the beginning of this week though they had a stroke, has been admitted into hospital and it doesn't look like they will be coming home any time soon. So suddenly we have found ourselves in the unfamiliar territory of daily hospital visits, checking up on her house, washing their stuff and making sure they have clean clothes, being first point of contact with the hospital for treatment, keeping everyone else updated etc etc.

We are very willing to do this, but has anyone got any hints and tips for doing it and keeping your sanity: OH has already gone down with a stinking cold and my eczema is back with avengance. It's not too bad this week, but next week we will both be back at work full-time and I'm worried we will struggle to do things.

Gosh that sounds pathetic when its written down as I know people on here have so much more to contend with on a daily basis! I know we will cope, but I want to be able to do the best for her and not get completely bogged down. It looks like the next step might be to find a care home, something of which we have no experience: help!

All hints and tips (or just telling me to get a grip) gratefully received.

boultdj

Sorry to hear about you poorly relation 7ww, only tip's I can pass on is batch cooking, ask if any of his/her neighbour's/friend's want to visit so that way you get a day off from visiting, remember to tell your boss at work that you'v got someone in hospital, just in case anyone phone's [OH's Dad was a !!!!!! for spilling his soup over the clean pj's we took in and then the hospital would phone & ask us to bring more in, normaly during work hour's], check the house every other day, get in touch with home help service if they have it and tell them where relation is.

When it come's to care home's take your time, look at every thing, find out what is done there, talk to staff to see if they are freindly, talk to resident's to see if they like the activities and whatever you do don't be afraid to ask question's, ask the manager/matron what happen's in the place, do they have dentist/optition/chiropodist come to the place, can you take relation's favourate frunitur in to make it more homley, do they take pet's if it's something like a caged bird. And look at load's of them, take a note pad with you,and write down your impression's of the place, then when you'v narrowed it down a bit, take your relation round the one's you'v shortlisted and see if they like it, after all they are the one's who wil have to live there. hth.

GreyQueen

(((((((7ww))))))) I am so sorry to hear about your relative's stroke. It's not selfish to be concerned about your ability to cope.

What is the logistical situation (without giving RL identifiers, of course)? I'm thinking distance/ travel time from your home to her home, to check on stuff. And from home to hospital to visit and are there any commutes which take you nearer or further away?

I would urge you to get in touch with adult social services at your council for advice and support, particularly if this relative's situation will mean that they won't be able to be discharged from hospital back home. IMO, the sooner advice is sought about that one the better.

I've seen many times in my life the gruelling effects that being in your kind of situation has on people who work as well as have caring duties, so please do you very best to look after yourselves as well as your relative.

elona

7weekwonder

It is difficult when someone is in hospital and you are trying to juggle visits, laundry, information sharing and just keeping the ball rolling.

Make sure you have a little time for yourself - a nice coffee, shower with posh shower gel so you feel looked after etc. The stroke association has a website that you might find helpful and there are usually booklets in the hospital with tips.

DH and dd have gone to see elderly relative and it is a long trip that we think older dd and me might not be up to doing just now so staying home and looking after younger dd who has uni work to do before going back on Friday. Have made breakfast for dds and unloaded washing machine, loaded dishwasher and prepared veg.

Making stuffed chicken joint, roast potatoes and vegetable bake for lunch with plenty of leftovers for tomorrow. Need to hang washing on line and sort out airing cupboard and laundry basket before nipping out for bread later. DH took me shopping yesterday but filled the car so full of compost and gardening stuff I could hardly get much groceries in

Hug to all and keep well and safe.

kidcat

7ww (( hugs)) I can only second what others have said, batch cooking, set up Rota for visits, nothing worse than having loads of visitors one day but none the next. Also keep a go bag with you at all times so that if the hospital call you are prepared, drinks snacks change phone charger, small wash bag -hospitals are so sticky.
Accept help if its offered so if a friend says what can I do get them to do a load of washing, they will feel they have helped and you are saved a job.

Having lazyish day here, but we have a busy week ahead so its important to rest a little I think.

ginnyknit

Lots of excellent advice 7ww. Its hard work isn't it? People dont realise how you have to juggle everything in such a situation whilst not letting the person you are caring for know. Its not pathetic and I hope its helped you by sharing. Organisation is the key thoug so that you have time to sit and relax while a pre-prepared meal is heating up and you can feel human for a while. hugs ginny.

Having a quiet day here at last and this will involve having feet up and drinking copious amounts of tea. Have cooked ahead in true O/S style and the washing is all blowing on the line. May potter into the garden later.

savingqueen

Hello everyone,

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. The reason we are getting so much flack from the rellies is because we have told them we don't want to see them for now. We will stick to what we have decided and maybe stop replying to calls, emails etc. Actually DH is dealing with his side so I will leave him to it and I might contact my side and say we would like a break from all contact and will not be answering their messages. All this really goes against the grain for me and I am struggling not to feel a b+tch even though I am thinking of my own immediate family first. Ok I will try not to go on about it, apologies for the "me, me, me" stuff of late.

7ww - big hugs to you love. My ex's mum had a long spell in a hospice years ago and we visited her nearly every day. We learnt that some nights we could cope with staying for a longish visit so MIL had company but others we stayed for a briefer visit as we were so tired. Don't feel bad if you have to do the same. It is easy to fall into a routine caring for someone and forget your own needs.

The thing that stood out for me was getting home late and being too tired to cook and eating poorly. If you can batch cook and come home to a decent meal and a bath you will cope much better. No real advice other than planning ahead and relaxing when you can. This is not the time to take on anything extra, say no to unnecessary stuff and prioritise your time. If anyone offers to visit or help out, say yes please!

Can you leave some extra nighties, undies etc at the hospital and a good supply of essentials like drinks, small change, tissues or whatever she needs so you are not running around more than needs be.

sq:)

missrlr

Oh 7ww sorry to hear about your relative. Loads of good suggestions, but few more here, from practical side:
Try and get an idea of if /when / how the relative may return home. Make plans for this sooner not later, stuff tends to build up quick if you are thinking, maybe next week .....
Power of attorney? How can you pay bills on present house? Keep their life running if they are going to return home soonish?
Get Occupational Health meeting NOW not later so you can get any necessary amends in place sooner it later,although admittedly this could be a moving goal post if medical changes occur.
Can you shut down relative house e.g. All food out of freezer, fridge and so on, water off, heating system drained, electricity off, perhaps security for windows and doors? Don't leave it, fridges go nasty quickly!
can you get a (geographically closer?) trusted person to check on the relative's house each day if closing it up is not practical? You the go only 2 times a week.
Set up post redirect from their's to your's if relative is not likely to return home some time soon? Even for a few months easier to keep on top of post as it arrives.
Batch cook, batch cook,batch cook.
You cannot function if you have poor nutrition, remind yourself of this and act to prevent this each day.
If this person has a car check out if this has anything due on it ...
Loads of changes of pj's and long sleeved tops, check out the ease of putting on e.g. Cardigans easier to use if arm impairments are resulting.
Ditto shoes, think Velcro fasteners to keep any independence going.
Get rid of slip on footwear stuff, menace ......
Don't forget change for parking, get a batch from bank if necessary,
ask about special parking rates if you buy a pre paid card for hospital car park or so on.
Don't forget pad and pen at all times in hospital to note down questions, concerns, reminders, and leave space to site answers next to these questions!
Was relative in an employment that would come with supporter groups who may be able to help? Get in touch with these now even for visits to break the monotony. Also other organisations, hobbies etc
Talk to friends of relative, can they do some visits? Sort out a rota, explain if they can't do it,then to tell you ASAP as you want to make sure relative sees someone each day.
Talk to each other, even just making aware of the additional time and jobs you now have to do, easy for this to be over looked or simply not realised.
Check out tv and phone needs in hospital, might help. Also how to pay for this.

Good luck! Hope it works out for you all and relative copes with this change