'supporting each other through really tough times'

missrlr

We've a consultant dentist at work, total star so calming and understanding so I use him or his protege ...

Possession

I would love a quiet Friday night in but I have to take my children to the school junior disco which is guaranteed to be very loud!

zoec1980

Hi
I'm new to posting to the board but have been lurking for a while.

Having a bad week and felt the need to post as I don't have anyone to talk to.

I'm 32 and have a very active 2 year old daughter.

This year has been the worst year of my life:

My Mum (58) was diagnosed with cancer at the start of the year (on her Mum's 81st birthday). The prognosis was positive- she needed chemo, radiotherapy and then 2 operations but they were happy they could 'cure' it. She started chemo on my nieces 2nd birthday (March). Chemo went well and she didn't suffer too many side affects- she had been very active prior to this but the chemo slowed her down and she stopped going out. She started her radiotherapy (June) and after the 4th session they noticed her breathing wasn't too good so kept her in to check it out. She was diagnosed with a collapsed lung. They investigated it and a week later we were told the cancer had spread and it was no longer curable. We were told it could be treated/ delayed with chemo so that's what Mum chose to do.

She was in hospital from June to September. She came out and had carers at home but the pain got worse and at the start of October was rushed to hospital. She was kept in and appeared to be improving- we visited every day. I had a good chat with her on the Wednesday and fed this back to the family so we were all really positive. On the Thursday morning we phoned the hospital to see how she was and were told that she was in pain but ok otherwise- we were also told she was being transfered to the local hospice which we were really positive about as we knew she'd get the right care there. We went straight to the hospice to settle her in to her room. When we got there it wasn't my Mum- the person in the bed couldn't communicate with us, couldn't look at us and just wasn't there. We were told to get any family members there asap to see her. She died in the early hours of the next morning.

Since then it's just not sunk in. We'd had so many plans for this year and all of them went wrong. We were going on a family holiday abroad (3 generations) but Mum couldn't go because of her treatment. We went and planned to take Mum next year once all the treatment was out of the way. We were going to London for the Jubilee, Olympics & Paralympics but didn't make them as Mum was too ill- she didn't even get to watch the Olympics/ Paralympics on tv as she was in hospital and they didn't have them on her ward. The week she died I had been due to go away with my OH and DD for a week to relax a bit- Mum was rushed in to hospital on the day I was due to leave so I didn't go.

I have decided that planning is the worst thing I can do as every plan this year has gone wrong.

I have been off work sick since Mum's terminal diagnosis as it hit me so hard my body just gave up fighting any bugs etc.

I knew I had to return to work soon as I couldn't be off sick forever. I worked shifts and really struggled to get any childcare for my DD. I tried contacting my work to see if they could assist at all eg part time or change shifts etc. I never had any of my calls returned, I e-mailed and never had any replies. I should've gone in but by this time I felt that there was an issue and I'm so emotional all the time I couldn't face a confrontation. I had previously asked for help/ part-time hours and had been told it wasn't possible but that had been before all this so I had hoped this might have changed.

After a few weeks of hearing nothing I contacted HR and they referred me to my Manager (the person who wasn't returning my calls). Again I heard nothing so I discussed it all with my OH and he said that I should hand my notice in. As he said work had been very stressful before everything with Mum and it was obvious things hadn't changed as I was getting stressed out before I'd even gone back. Before all this I had been off work with work related stress on 3 occasions and on my return instead of having a back to work interview as is procedure I was told by my Manager to fill in the paperwork and he'd sign it- no dialogue to see how things could be done to help. He had also made it clear that he'd had a problem with me taking my full entitlement of maternity leave as he'd had to work more weekends than he wanted and as a result he wanted to change how staff took holiday to prevent him having to do weekends as he didn't see it was fair. The issues I had were with communication. I was a manager but any information that I needed to hear would come from the staff I was supposed to be managing and not from the manager- the reporting structure was all over the place. I didn't feel I had any respect etc as those below me knew all the important changes etc before I did.

I received a letter accepting my notice and then received another saying all my items had been boxed up and locked away so I needed to make an appointment to collect them. I was probably oversensitive but this made me feel like I had left in disgrace. I contacted them to go and collect the items and when they queried it with the Manager nothing had been moved from my desk at all. Why would they say it had?

I finished my job (officially) on Monday, I haven't heard anything from anyone at work to say goodbye etc. I worked there 9 years and haven't even been sent a card (they didn't send one when Mum died). I have found out today that my old job has now been given to 2 people as job share!!

I just feel really let down and betrayed by my work, I'm sure I'll be better off in the long run but it's hard to think past the money worries etc.

I've always worked and am now out of work and wondering what to do. Do I stay at home and be a full time Mum and we cut back to survive on one wage? Do I try and find a 9-5 job and get childcare for my DD (spend my wage on the childcare)???

I just don't know. I have no one to talk things through with. My OH has had to do lots of OT over the past couple of weeks including weekends so it's just been me and DD and I feel I'm going crazy!

Have I just reacted badly to work because I'm so emotional or are they unfair with what's happened?

Sorry for waffling, once I start I can't stop.

Any views/ advice you have will be received constructively.

Thanks

smileyt_2

Zoec1980 yours is a sad story. Your Mum died in October so it is only natural that you are still shocked. I think your work has treated you unfairly. Did you tell your colleagues about your Mum? If your manager is as bad as he sounds, it might be that he didn't tell them, or has told them a pack of lies. Be that as it may, it really does sound as if you are better off without that job.

I think - you should give yourself some time. Your grief is still very raw. Could your GP arrange bereavement counselling for you? Have you thought about contacting Cruse Bereavement Care http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/ ? I've never used them but they are set up specifically for people who are grieving. Does the hospice have a support group for grieving relatives? Would a member of their staff be able to see you once or twice? Also, a lot of hospices have volunteers who do things like gardening or fundraising, so this might be something to consider, but later.

I also think you should just let things settle for a while. It's unlikely you'd get a job so close to Christmas anyway so why not get Christmas over with first?

Is there a local church cafe or mums and toddlers group you could go to, just to get out of the house and talk to other adults, if you feel up to it?

Regarding work, you would have to go to the CAB or see a solicitor to see if you claim constructive unfair dismissal. But it might be more stress than it's worth.

I hope some of this has helped a little. Don't rush into any decisions just yet. Hugs to you xxx

Popperwell

zoec1980,
I can totally emphesise(sp?)with your post. Your fears, your doubts over losing your dear Mum, the future and yourn work. It sometimes seems as though everything comes at once and there is one thing after another. Sadly, often modern life does not give you the time to come to terms with a very taumatic life changing event.

If you can manage on one wage for a while and have support of your OH, don't rush things. Take time for you. If you feel you can find you way without help fine but if you need to contact your Dr you are not weak in accepting help be it medication or councelling.

I have gone through(and still am coming to terms)with losing my Mum and a new life for myself. And there is a lot of uncertainty. There is no set time as to how long the grieving process takes and how it will be, hopefully you will find the way that is right for you.

In time I am sure that you will see the way forward, you won't forget, there will be a piece of music or something that will affect you perhaps bringing memories that are comforting, others that make you sad but it will become easier. You'll probably find yourself talking to her that is fine.

Do come on here and share I am sure that you will be given a lot of support as many of us have experienced most of what life throws at us.

A trouble shared and all that...

Popperwell

Since writing my post I see that SmileyT has responded with some very wise words and I echo all that she has said. I did not have work to contend with when I lost Mum but I went through similar problems when I lost my Dad many years ago so I can relate to that part of your story.

ginnyknit

Hiya Zoec, so sorry you have been treated so shabbily when you deserved support and a little compassion. It is still your grieving time so give your self a break. I think a little legal advice would be good when you are upto dealing with it, Im sure you will be able to deal with that later though. No you are not over reacting, in my opinion, but you need to have a look round MSE and see where you can cut back your expenses and make life easier for you and your OH. If you could make savings you may be able to stay at home longer and grieve in your own good time. Im sorry for your loss.

Maybe you could find a little notebad to jot down your bills and see where they could be trimmed and recipes from the recipe thread that are quick and cheap and start a little at a time, dont put yourself under pressure to achieve too much - baby steps hunny. hugs ginny

Softstuff

*hugs* Zoe. This year has been the worst for a few of us. You need to be a bit more gentle on yourself, give yourself time to feel bad and down. It's all very fresh for you at the moment so you won't be able to think clearly about anything else.

kidcat

((hugs)) zoec as softstuff says I think many of us will be glad to see the back of this year. As everyone has already said you really need to just take some time, as for the work stuff were you part of a union? if you were then let them handle it for you.

Rowan9

couldn't just read - sending (((hugs))) zoec. Thinking of you.
W