'supporting each other through really tough times'

GreyQueen

Back and baking my cobblestones, whoops, bread rolls. Nothing much beats the smell of homebaked bread, does it?

nuttyp, I've often read your posts and marvelled at what long days you work. To hear that you have very little to show for all
that grafting, and no savings, due to being scrounged from by adult offspring, makes me both sad and cross on your behalf.

I hope you don't feel the term scrounging is too strong, but it's what I genuinely feel. I see a lot of adults, even into their forties and beyond, who seem to think that they have some divine right to siphon off their parents' income whenever they have a blip in theirs. I've even heard a 40-something man I know well, who has consistantly earned x 4 the average national wage, declare that his parents ought to give him (and his sister) money. And we're talking about £20k at a time, btw, not the old tenner. Parents are regular folks, not millionnaires, either.

I don't agree with the Bank of Mum and Dad. I left home at 16 and haven't had financial help from my parents for 30 years. Wouldn't dream of asking, either. We get on really well but we're not parent-and-dependant now, were adult-and-adult, albeit a generation apart, and kin.

If your DD and her finance can't afford a car, that's too bad. There's a few million people in the same boat, inc me. When my old banger required expensive work and I was between jobs I faced facts and sold it for scrap.

They'll just have to get on with their lives without a car, unless and until they can afford one. If they can't organise themselves to have some cheap filling foods in the pantry, tough; they get to have a hungry few days. It won't kill them.

If you're made uncomfortable as a result of your actions or inactions, you learn a lesson. You learn it's not fun and to do better next time around.

If someone bails you out of every crisis, or can be counted on to feed you, to be a bank for smallish "loans" which never get paid back, you're not going to take responsibility for your own life.

If you were the person without cash for the petrol to get to your job, or out of food money before out of month, could you go to this young couple and get financial support? If the answer is not bliddy likely, I think you should keep your hard-earned money for your own needs and let these young adults work for theirs.

I have met a woman in her late sixties who still had this attitude and was waiting for her (very wealthy) parent to die and make her a rich woman. The anticipation of her one-day inheritance had stopped her getting her butt into gear her whole life. Mummy Dearest lived into her late nineties and it would have been a better story if she'd left her bone-idle daughter without a penny. She did inherit, but it was a much smaller estate than anticipated and DD was one of several beneficiaries, not sole snout in the trough.

OK, climbing off soapbox now.

fuddle

maybe meet up with your DD in a cafe in the next couple of days and explain that money is so tight for yourself, that you are counting every penny but that you would like to help out when things get difficult by donating a bag of shopping. Say there's always a meal on your table and a bed should she need it but you can't help with payments any longer.

Hopefully she will see that you're her mam and will never let her starve or be homeless but thy she's a grown up and responsible for her own decisions.

I've got all this to come nutty and by no means an expert but from someone who would like a motherly comfort blanket, that's all I need should things go belly up xxx

nuttyp

thanks guys, I hope we can all meet and talk eventually. I have told them that I wont be helping financially any more. I feel bad, but I really cant afford to be paying for them.

maryb

Grey Queen, as you may recall I have recently had cataract surgery which has given me very good distance vision. However I now need reading glasses and it's very disconcerting - when you've been short sighted all your life you are used to taking off your glasses and holding things close to you to see small details. Doesn't work at all when you are on the long sighted side.

However I couldn't get a new prescription straightaway as they insist you wait for about 2 months to let your vision settle down. So I hied me to the land of pound and bought several pairs of cheapo reading glasses in different strengths. 1 or 1.5 is fine for general reading and a pair of 3.5 enables me to do very close work. They are quite decent frames, not that dissimilar to the frames I had before - which I can assure you, cost a LOT more than £1

At that price, it might be worth sticking with your ordinary glasses if the distance vision is OK and getting cheapo reading glasses for the close work. I know I won't bother to get proper glasses now - not least because I need several pairs so I stand a chance of finding a pair when I need them. Yes, I have turned into one of those women of a certain age who wander around asking plaintively 'Where did I leave my glasses?'

EstherH

Nuttyp: like GreyQueen, I too, have known people who carry on borrowing (and not paying back) money all through their lives from their parents. They never learn the lessons because they never have too. You are doing the right thing and it is very unreasonable and disrespectful to blow up in a rage because you quite rightly said no. Please try not to feel guilty or bad. You are doing the right thing.
God bless. Esther

kidcat

Evening toughies

Nutty - you have done the right thing, being a parent is not about being the most popular one, its about preparing your child to thrive in their future.

Sheila - I cant remember do you have direct payments? If not its worth looking into - my aunt receives 16 hrs a week to pay for care for my downs cousin, in addition to respite etc. ALthough as she says with 16 hrs a week the respite time isnt as necessary as it was.
Please take care of your health.

I have survived a visit to my parents, we arrived and DS9 had a meltdown because my mum had all sweets and crisps on the table and I said he had to ask my permission before eating any - I then told my parents that the rule was he needed my permission before eating stuff and that they needed my permission before giving him anything.
We stayed just over an hour and DS15 struggled more than I did, four meltdowns later I announced it was enough and packed us away and left - they didnt protest for the first time ever as it was clear DS couldnt cope any more. I think they saw how much DS15 was struggling and I hope they realise I really dont have time for their games at the moment.

We then went to a friends for some pizza and a movie - which ended abruptly when their son sat on DD7 finger and she was screaming in agony, cue a trip to A&E, thankfully its just badly bruised and she was given a lovely copy of her Xray which she is thrilled with

DD18 has her last exam tomorrow and I was planning a special dinner, but on reflection she has been stuck in so much I think we may splash out and go out to dinner.

savingqueen

Evening all,

No advice or experience to help Sheila but thinking of you and sending you a virtual cuppa, big slice of cake and a big hug. I really don't know if you are entitled to any help but if you are, grab it with both hands. Respite one week in four helps but it's really not enough in your circumstances. If you trust me enough to let me know what area you live in, I would be happy to do some research into any help available in your area, PM me if you would like this.

Jem - a big hug for you too. I hope you get something sorted for your DS. Kidcat - you're a star for posting back.

Kidcat - how are you doing love? And DH with his ADs?

Fuddle - hope you had a nice day out. I had a lovely image of you and your girls taking a cuppa and buttie out to your DH.

Pops - glad you had fun at the theatre and hope your legs are ok and you are getting some energy back.

Kezlou - the comic event sounded fun - can't miss a good photo opportunity like that!

I hope stiltwalker and co are enjoying their break away.

Did you play nicely Ms GQ?

Mrs LW - thank you on behalf of everyone for the most kind, wise and thoughtful posts around, day after day you lift our spirits and help us get through another day. What an absolutely wonderful woman you are!

Mr SQ loved his cushions, supposed to be one for his derriere and one supporting his back (he has tendonitis in his shoulder which causes a lot of pain) but he has arranged both cushions on the chair seat - one for each cheek!! :rotfl:I mean he does have a generous bottom but really!! He has requested a third one now for his back.

sq

D&DD

Evening all its flippin' manic here packing,lists and OH had to come all the way home from hols as he forgot something lol..it wasn't off my list he only had to do his fishing gear and forgot his rodpod of all things.DS3 has been ropey gearing himself up for the morning I think once he goes I'll collapse :rotfl:

Will try and keep up but we want to turf the entire house out while the two of them are gone so may not be about much til the weekend.

Hope everyones well I'll catch up properly when I get time XXX

kidcat

SQ - am sorry I forgot to reply yesterday, we have agreed for OH not to take the meds until tomorrow, last time he had them it knocked him out cold and he retreated to dark room for three weeks, I wanted (selfishly) to get the weekend out the way and DD through her last exam before he took them. If he conks out tomorrow DD and I willl be able to cope and get everything done between us. Thank you for asking though

savingqueen

Jem - what a horrible experience for your son, poor lad. Glad he ok and hope it doesn't affect him in the longer term, he will still be in shock today. Hugs to you, sound like you realy need a big bar of chocolate.

Nutty - well I am with GQ - great post GQ. I have never ever expected anyone to bail me/us out. Even as a teen I earnt my spending money (didn't get pocket money - my parents were poor) by getting a Saturday job at 13. We once asked my parents for a loan when we had a big and unexpected roof repair but that is the only time ever. I remember my dad asking me when I was going to pay back the 50p he lent me 2 days later (this was years ago) and he was perfectly serious and yes I did pay it back.

Nutty, you work so very hard and for long hours and are very prudent. You are generous to your family and often put their needs before yours. I really think it is time to let them get on with their lives - certainly in terms of finances anyway. If your DD was managing her money well and had a genuine blip, I know you wouldn't see her starve. My sister is 40 and my parents have bailed her out and supported her nearly all her adult life and it has done her no favours at all.

Do not for one second feel guilty. I'm afraid DD has just got too used to being topped up with money, food etc all the time. She needs to learn how to budget so that she avoids getting into debt herself one day. You could offer to help her with budgeting, recipes, OS/MSE stuff - then you can still help her with her finances but without dipping into your pocket all the time. Does she know how much you earn and what your outgoings are and that you have no savings for when you retire? maybe you could tell her?

If your relationship is good generally and you talk together when things calm down, she will see where you are coming from. She may not like it to begin with but would she really want you to struggle as much as you do?
Things often seem worse than they are and a bit of time and space can work wonders. We are all here and on your side.

better get some shut eye... I have yet another new course to start tomorrow. I think I am turning into a courseaholic!

sq:)