'supporting each other through really tough times'

savingqueen

I understand (to a degree) what it is to have family/friends who have alcohol problems though obviously everyone's experiences are different and I can't pretend to know exactly.

My uncle was an alcoholic. My dad bailed him out of numerous scrapes including debt/housing problems, trouble with the police etc, all related to alcohol. He was a very lonely, unhappy person and tried to commit suicide several times. As a child I saw him slit his wrists. My parents tried to shield us from it all but I knew exactly what was going on. When we went to stay with him and my grandma in the school hols (several times a year) we never knew what state he would be in when we arrived. On the day of my grandma's funeral, he got very drunk and put her meagre belongings out the front to sell to buy more drink. The only thing she had of any value was her gold wedding ring which she left to me as the eldest granddaughter - he sold that for a few pounds. I tried to understand but never forgave him completely for that day and I never went to visit him after that. I was 17 at the time and he died right near my 30th birthday.

Another auntie (unrelated) was a secret alcoholic and we never knew until she died, she kept things so hidden. She had agrophobia and that covered up a lot. A old flatmate had an alcohol problem which she kept hidden from me, I really had no idea. She confided in me later and she has been dry for a long time now. Both DH's parents have drink problems, DH and siblings say they are just "heavy drinkers" but I know otherwise.

So many sad stories, so many lives wasted and family relationships ruined.

Sorry fuddle didn't mean to go on so long. As Lyn says, you have done nothing wrong, in fact everything right and you can't change anyone, they can only change themselves if they so choose. I'm not saying it isn't very hard for you, I know it is. You know you are doing the best you can with the situation as it is. Look after your own little family and surround yourself with your own values and positivity. We are here if you need to talk, no need to pretend on here. Big hugs to you....

sq:)

savingqueen

Bigjenny - I can't imagine what you have gone through. You are brave to post so openly. I can say nothing to help. All I can do is say thank you for sharing and send you hugs.

sq:)

fuddle

Bigjenny. I've not thought if it when roles are reversed. I'm so very sorry because I expect it to be very painful for you. Sq, too many instances. Addiction is so awful and one I can't understand.

Should we talk about tea?

[Deleted User]

Pet that's all you can do, get on with YOUR life, that's real, that's important and that IS the real you. You do the best that you can in everything you do, no one can ask more of you than that, not even you, and you have the strength of character to keep on trying whatever life throws at you, you always pick yourself up take a breath and try again until you succeed, we've watched you do it! You are only human, you hurt and get scared just like all of us, we all have coping strategies for the human condition and it's never an easy ride this life thing. What I'm trying to say is you're good enough just as you are NOW not the Fuddle you keep saying sorry for being, but the Fuddle we have now, you've grown in all ways and you are good enough for anything right here, right now so be who you are and wear Fuddledom with justifiable pride, I can think of no one who has earned that more than you. None of your Mums problems are your fault, your responsibility,yours to fix, don't let her spoil what you have made good, she has to take responsibility for herself because that's what adults do. If she can't do that then let someone else help her if she will let them, you can't blame yourself for her decisions and actions and you can't fix them for her, all you can do is make life as good for you and your family as you can and live it to the full, and go forward together, not easy to do but I'm sure you can, Lyn xxx.

Mrs_Chip

Fuddle and BigJenny - terrible situations for both of you (((hugs)))

For our own sanity we have to accept there are some things we cannot change - very difficult if you are, like me, someone who needs to be in control of situations to cope.

All families have these sorts of issues, we are none of us alone, so should not feel bad about sharing or looking for support - no one should have to deal with these things on their own, and this is a good place to get a lot of sensible advice!

savingqueen

Help!!!!!!!!!! I have three hyped up little boys tearing round the house, playing some sort of chase game. DS8's friend has a very high pitched squeal! DS8 took in some little bags of sweets today for classmates as is the custom for birthdays (not til Monday) and I let the three of them finish the remaining few sweets. Sugar rush kicking in!

better go and check on the pizzas and see if I can calm them down. DH is late in so on my own with them and I have to ferry the friend home later. Will need to lie down in a quiet room later :rotfl:

RAS

Byatt wrote: »

I find your last comment interesting for a number of reasons but primarily because outside of my home no-one would have known I was not coping. I have also known many people who have appeared on the surface to have no problems whatsoever, this includes people on the hoarders programmes who held down jobs and had friends.

How I present on here when talking about my problems is not how I present in "real life". I have even "fooled" the experts on first meeting me.

Byatt, know only to well how easy it is to appear OK and still malfunction.

Obviously I do not know Pops exact situation but what was behind the comment was concern that people sometimes think it is easier to "encourage", force or slightly bully a person into doing what they want them to do if they are socially isolated.

When they know someone has friends who look out for them, they are a bit more respectful/careful about their behaviour.

meanmarie

Fuddle....if you can, I would advise trying to go to AL Anon, the organisation for those whose lives have been affected by someone's drinking. I went many years ago thinking that it would give me a solution to help the person stop drinking and was disappointed at my first meeting when that didn't happen. In actual fact, it helps you realise that you cannot change anyone's behaviour except your own...I found that hard, simple as it sounds. Its first names only, free except for a secret collection for tea etc, which you need not contribute to if you can't afford to do so. I know that your time is very full, but if you can find a meeting nearby I would advise giving it a try.

Nice sunny day here, but still need the heat on

Marie

Byatt

RAS wrote: »

Byatt, know only to well how easy it is to appear OK and still malfunction.

Obviously I do not know Pops exact situation but what was behind the comment was concern that people sometimes think it is easier to "encourage", force or slightly bully a person into doing what they want them to do if they are socially isolated.

When they know someone has friends who look out for them, they are a bit more respectful/careful about their behaviour.

Thanks RAS,

it's not been my experience with "authority", even with my DD, the only people who have done that have been people pretending to be my DD's friends although I understand having someone around as support (I do that for my DD as I need to interpret/explain any discussions) can help a person.

[Deleted User]

Brrrrrrrrr!!!!! I've just dug my thick winter dressing gown out of the wardrobe as I'm so chilly, goodness me, it feels more like January down here than the end of May!!!