'supporting each other through really tough times'

Byatt

RAS wrote: »

Popperwell.

Glad it went well.

I would be tempted to write and ask them to provide a copy of their procedure. Just so they cannot turn up next time and say they want another visit.

I would also be very inclined to make sure that you have a friend there next time as well.

Partly so that you have a witness and partly because it is much harder for them to view you as "a person who is struggling to cope" when they have evidence that you have an active social network.

I find your last comment interesting for a number of reasons but primarily because outside of my home no-one would have known I was not coping. I have also known many people who have appeared on the surface to have no problems whatsoever, this includes people on the hoarders programmes who held down jobs and had friends.

How I present on here when talking about my problems is not how I present in "real life". I have even "fooled" the experts on first meeting me.

savingqueen

Hidiho folks!

Having a quick read whilst eating lunch: shop bought chicken soup & homemade bread as it's so cold and I got drenched waking back from my course. Also found a few squares of dark chocolate which I am polishing off with a coffee. Bliss! Not ashamed to say our heating is on low and has been early mornings lately partly because it's cold and partly because have to watch the condensation in our house.

Asked for a quick word after my volunteer training session, turned into an hour! Glad I have been able to air my concerns and get some feedback. Tutors are going to merge the two parallel groups as both have dropped from an original 10 to 6 participants in each so maybe I will bond better with other new folk. There are some very strong personalities operating on an individual basis (which you need to do as well) but no group cohesion. Anyway my fav tutor is well aware of the dominant people who are bringing their personal issues every week. She explained she needs to know our strengths and weaknesses etc so she can match clients to volunteers. She also said she thinks I will be excellent in the role and not to doubt myself. Feel better hearing all that. I am done with holding all my worries inside these days.

Fuddle, I have read Feel the Fear and do it anyway and got a lot from it and I have anxiety issues and depression in the past. No-one can say whether it will help as we are all different so my twopenneth is to suggest you borrow a copy from the library and make up your own mind. The book won't make you do anything.... only you can make yourself do things. Maybe have a browse at other self help books at the library (or on-line and reserve at library if needs be) and see what there is. I have read some good ones and have an inkling you might get something out of some of the many self help books out there.

Glad your visit went well pops.

Good job we don't have inspections as not renting as they would find our place too cluttered but not dirty or unsafe even at it's worst. On a personal note, I need to get back into decluttering. DH has offered to tackle the spare room a.k.a dumping room (no loft space, garage or major storage area). I want to do it together, he only wants to do it on his own. Thing is he hoards stuff too but just different stuff to me! I have got very good at not buying or rehoming things we don't need, it's just old stuff I need to keep getting rid of. Problem is I don't want to get rid of useful stuff like my slowly diminishing stashes of: toiletries, wrapping paper, xmas cards, gifts etc. These things are not rubbish and will get used eventually and we need to watch the pennies.

Well meant to be collecting a parcel for DS8 from sorting office but too wet/too late so will have to sneak out tomorrow morning, last chance before his birthday. Half an hour to tidy round then school run and DS8's turn to have a friend over.

laters
sq:)

[Deleted User]

Thanks SHEILA I'm sorry to hear Rosie has had another stroke, but very pleased to hear that she has come through OK and is still enjoying life with you, Cheers Lyn xxx.

fuddle

Byatt wrote: »

I find your last comment interesting for a number of reasons but primarily because outside of my home no-one would have known I was not coping. I have also known many people who have appeared on the surface to have no problems whatsoever, this includes people on the hoarders programmes who held down jobs and had friends.

How I present on here when talking about my problems is not how I present in "real life". I have even "fooled" the experts on first meeting me.

Boy do I understand that. I say a lot on here but have kept quiet about what I'm going through with mam. There was an episode a few months back where a company had got a court order to enter her home to repair something, they changed the locks and took new set to police station. Mam had to get siste to take her. Mam turned up to sisters drunk as had vodka in her bag and drank 'water' on the bus. Sister entered that property, our family hope. For the first time in years. What she saw I could not imagine. I went up myself unannounced. Her whole upstairs, bed floor, bathroom landing is full of vodka and wine bottles. The down stairs getting much the same. She sleeps on the chair. Her clothes on the couch.

Why? So people can't see her drinking habits in the recycling box. She works full time in education, is respected and well liked. No one would know. Not a clue. So not only have I mam who has a drinking problem I have a mam who, 2 months on hasn't tried to tidy it up, won't let us in to help her, and won't bother herself even after in shock and disgust I screamed 'so not only do me and my sister have to deal with you dying from alchohol related diseases we have to deal with cleaning this up too!!!' Its still all sat there. The relationship I have with mam is just the same. She visits, we text, she calls but nothing will change and to look at our relationship as we talk in the phone or go out for birthday dinners is all happy happy.

No one knows she lives like that, no one knows I deal with the feelings of being involved in all that and you all in here probably didnt have a clue either. All that on top of dealing with that job and only now it's hitting me but I'm trying so hard to fight it, to hide it... to pretend.

nuttyp

Fuddle, bless you that is one nightmare situation. I too can admit to things on here, but can't/won't say things out loud in real life. My OH left me a good few years ago after an affair, who he left me for is now married to his brother. Its one messed up situation, my MIL even expects me to be friends with her. UMMMM no, not ever. Some days I wonder why I even took OH back, its hard very hard. This all happened prior to the BR when we were in full doo doo with debt. Not an excuse, but a reason to argue non stop.

OH wages are in the bank. fewwwww.....

I am so cold, got my thick wooly pully cardi on and a granny blanket over my knees lol

alfsmum

Byatt wrote: »

Fuddle, I haven't read the book, but I do use the saying, it was recommended to me years ago, but I'm not so good reading self help books, but I have learned that fear is often a remembered fear and does not relate to the current situation, that helps. Also, that fear lessens when you do more or face more things, familiarity perhaps making it easier.

I went to the USA once on my own, I was a very different person coming back to the one that left, only a week, but my fear had gone (it did come back again sadly) and I floated on this lovely cloud for weeks. People noticed too which was the biggest suprise, in that the way they spoke to me was very different. A step at a time, don't rush it...

edit, having said all that, if you feel a book will help and is something you can dip into, then go for it. You've nothing to lose and there may be (probably is) helpful tips.

I think familiarity can really help. Do something slightly challenging as often as you can for a few days (making a phone call, visiting a different place, doesn't have to be anything out of the ordinary) and it will become something you just do without worrying too much. Then add something else in or go a bit further, baby steps are fine and everyone has off days and setbacks. A can do attitude helps if you can manage it, not always easy I know. Chin up! Apparently having a smile on your face makes you feel better

[Deleted User]

FUDDLE lovie, your Mums choices in life do not reflect adversley on you, you are your own person and have made your own choices in life and have a new life now of which you can be so justifiably proud. You are a fully independent adult and do not have responsibility for your Mums actions, you can do nothing to make her change, only she can make that choice and only she can take action to change her habits and she may not see the need to or want to. It is very hard to accept that you can do nothing for her, it was something I had to do and leave my Mum to her own choice of lifestyle with her chosen group of people, I didn't give her an ultimatum them or us, but having tried I could make no suggestion that she could see merit in so I withdrew us from her life and I know it was the right decision not just for me but for my family. They would have been at risk had I continued the relationship and I had no choice but to make them safe. She took some disuading and I had years of pleading and manipulation, letters, phone calls, all moral blackmail but I could only do what was safe and held out for staying away. In fact she even got other people to ring and even got her church involved, I have no doubt I go down as a very hard and undutiful daughter, but I know my Mum and I had to make the break, and I had to stand firm and keep her out of our lives. It's such a hard thing to do, even if you have nothing in common they are still your parents and you still feel guilty, but rather a safe Fuddle and her lovely family than an appeased parent and her problems hurting you all through your life. You've been through the mill quite enough pet without this too, especially dealing with it on your own, you have our total respect for the way you have fought life and won, you'll find your way through this too and know that you have friends here who will support you and not judge any decisions you make so if you need to let out the angst, you can here, or pm me, I'll always be here and I'll always help if I can and I know the rest of us will be there for you too. Hold your head up and think of you and yours, bless you, you are such a good girl, Love Lyn xxx.

Byatt

Fuddle, (((((((hugs)))))))

Alf, I have found the pet sitting business really helps, I have to meet people!

Bigjenny

Fuddle I can understand some of what you are going through with your mum.

My daughter was an alcoholic. We knew she liked a drink but didn't realise how bad she had become until her partner came to see us and told us, they split up and she came to stay with us, but after 6 months we had to ask her to leave. We helped her find somewhere to stay and paid the deposit and first months month rent. Later she go her own flat, again we helped with her with the deposit, but her drinking got worse. She lost her job as a Civil Servant after 15 years.

She passed away 9 years ago at the age of 35, and it took me 9 months to sort out her debts with the help of the CAB.

We learn't the more you try to help them the less it is appreciated. Also never to leave money or purses it sight as we know that she took money from us.

fuddle

Just one big mess and you're right it's not for me to control, not for me to sort but still, I feel I should do something. I get on with my life. The fuddle that is mam, wife, housewife, dog walker, nice girl who tries to smile etc etc is not the same as daughter fuddle... Although the previous fuddle is the real me.

Remember a week or so back when I got a little tetchy about someone saying 'don't focus on yourself, look at others problems around you who are much worse'. I took it maybe too much to heart but because I waffle on about writing job applications/tea/growing/slippers/dumplings/cornflakeVfrosties/scared of buses doesn't mean that there isn't something more serious bubbling underneath. Superficial posts about ourselves can well be a coping strategies for much deeper private things and I for one am much more mindful of people's posts and would hate to upset anyone on the surface of a 'woe me' life is a bit pants today. Life is pants everyday for some people, that's why they come here and talk about fish ponds, alliums, tea and dogs.