New mum- am I being unreasonable

Sambucus_Nigra

Poppyblue wrote: »

My baby is five months old now and was very underweight when she was born. My difficulty is with my husbands family esp his mother.

There is history between me and my mother in law (we are different religions and it all blew up at our wedding) but she has always seen herself as a 'natural mother' and now grandmother and feels that she knows best about everything.

When I am in my inlaws company they want to take my little one from me and pass her about between them. Pretty much as soon as we get to their house they take her and I have to follow them from room to room to see where she is. I have caught my MIL whispering in my little ones ear stuff about me not being a good mum and not letting her see the baby (she sees her weekly). She also does not listen to a word I say re how I wish my baby handled.

MIL now wants to babysit the baby and I can't even bear to think about it. I have left the baby with my mum but every time I think of leaving the baby with MIL I feel sick. Am I being unreasonable?

No - you are not. So take the lead from your OH and just stop seeing her. If she wants to see the little one, make sure it is on your terms.

paddy's_mum

Poppyblue wrote: »

as the moment I pass the baby over she is taken out of the room and out of my sight. I then hear her crying in another room...

This is the bit that worries me the most.

What (exactly!) is happening to that baby once she is out of your sight? Why do the other family members even want to take her out of the room, as surely you are visiting in order to be together?

Is this grandmother so stupid that she can't work out that she is kicking your protective instincts into overdrive? It would be a rare mother who didn't feel deep and real animosity after repeatedly hearing her child in distress of some sort, and be made to feel powerless to put a stop to it into the bargain!

Me? I think I would simply say, as they swoop towards the door with your baby in their arms "No. Don't take Baby out of the room. It makes me anxious and I wouldn't want anything to happen to make me not want to visit." That way, you have politely stated your point of view, what it is that you object to and what will happen if they disregard your decision.

I would add that you might also want to think through what your own meekness and peace keeping intentions (no insult intended) might be provoking. If MiL thinks you are a pushover and that she can pressure you into capitulation, you will be fighting this same battle constantly for years to come.

Now is the time to stand your ground in insisting that it's your way or no way!!! Good luck.

Madmel

I completely feel for the OP, not having the best relationship with MiL myself. Follow the excellent advice of people here and stop the visits.

One tactic we tried was to tell MiL that she had had her chance [with DH and his older brother] and what a pi55-poor job she had made of it :eek: and now it was our turn. To put that in context, BiL is mentally handicapped and has major behaviour issues because he was spoiled rotten by feuding MiL and FiL and never reprimanded. Luckily DH being younger, was completely ignored and brought himself up although he has a few odd issues [nothing I can't handle ] BiL's medical records state clearly than MiL is a fantastist who will not listen to advice. Armed with that knowledge, we felt confident to tell her where to shove her useless advice.

skattykatty

Like others have said, it sounds like you have well honed instincts. They are teling you to keep your baby away from your MiL. Even your husband doesn't want to be around his mum. However, it also sounds like you want to be a 'good girl' and do the 'right thing' according to whatever you have been told about how you 'should' be. Hence you feel 'guilty' about your MiL only seeing your baby once a week. Why are her feelings, whatever they may be, more important than yours?

Follow your HEART on this one. You do not owe your MiL anything. You are a family of three and anyone else you include in your circle of family and friends is up to you. The health and happiness of your little one is paramount and a bitter, resentful grandmother is not healthy for any of you.

Pennywise2012

As far as the visiting goes, could you have her come to you instead of the other way round? That way she's on the back foot as it's not her territory.

I don't think you should feel undermined. She can have all the opinions she wants, but it's never going to be up to her how your baby is brought up. You're the one who knows that child better than anyone, you're the one who hears all the up-to-date recommendations for bringing up a child. She can't undermine you because she isn't in a position of authority - you are.

Next time she starts, a well-timed, "Yeah.....they don't really advise to do stuff like that in this day and age", complete with bless-you-and-your-old-woman-ways patronising smile should make you feel better.

The whispering thing is a passive-aggressive attack on you. She might as well be saying it to a bag of sugar within your earshot as your baby. Deal with it as if she's spoken directly to you, taking the baby out of her arms first.

suki1001

I remember feeling resentment towards my mil when mine were little.

It's very difficult to distinguish sometimes between well meaning and just being plain mean.

I think plenty of grandparents are often desperate to hold a baby as soon as they get through the door. I was glad of the break, but not all mum's are.

You're other problem is that they were parents once (well still are) and were told to do things a specific way, but this changes all the time. But it can be very hard to feel like there's someone telling you you're doing it wrong. Extra pressure that you don't need especially if she is being so unreasonable. I would give a wide birth and these things do get easier.

I've learnt to appreciate my mil as mine have got older, when at times I would feel very angry towards her inside when they babies.

Annisele

This does sound an exceptionally simple problem to fix.

You don't like your mother-in-law. Your husband doesn't like her either. So - don't see her!

My partner hasn't spoken to his mother in more than a decade. I've not spoken to her in longer than that except for polite small talk at family weddings (I'm not sure she knows who I am). It felt very odd at first, but my partner and I are both much happier for it. I don't know whether MiL is happier or not - but if she wants to talk, she knows where we are.

Poppyblue_2

Thanks everyone for your replies. It is really reassuring that others agree that I'm not being oversensitive. I know I can be at the moment and I don't want this to affect my little one.

My MIL will not come to see us as she will only drive certain places and our house is not one of them. She only comes if she gets taken there and back.

My OH and I talked about it again and we have agreed that for the forseeable future there will be no babysitting by my MIL. I offered to talk to MIL about my issues but OH said that this would only make the situation worse. I don't want to come between my OH's already strained relationship with his parents.

POPPYOSCAR

Poppyblue wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your replies. It is really reassuring that others agree that I'm not being oversensitive. I know I can be at the moment and I don't want this to affect my little one.

My MIL will not come to see us as she will only drive certain places and our house is not one of them. She only comes if she gets taken there and back.

My OH and I talked about it again and we have agreed that for the forseeable future there will be no babysitting by my MIL. I offered to talk to MIL about my issues but OH said that this would only make the situation worse. I don't want to come between my OH's already strained relationship with his parents.

Do not let this spoil your special time with your little one.

Life is too short to have toxic people around you that make you unhappy.

If she really wants to have a relationship with your OH and her grandchild she will make the effort to come to you. If she does not, it is her loss not yours and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Enjoy your baby.:)

Pollycat

Poppyblue
I'm glad the comments have helped you and also glad that you and your OH have come to some agreement about your MIL and baby-sitting.

She is the one who will lose out in the end, unless she decides to change her attitude.