New mum- am I being unreasonable

Desperado99

Poppyblue wrote: »

I have caught my MIL whispering in my little ones ear stuff about me not being a good mum and not letting her see the baby (she sees her weekly).

MIL now wants to babysit the baby and I can't even bear to think about it. I have left the baby with my mum but every time I think of leaving the baby with MIL I feel sick. Am I being unreasonable?

I'm sorry, I would have blown up at that! :eek:

I would have made it clear at that point that if anything like that is ever said again, granny will be spending a lot less time with baby and none whatsoever unsupervised!

She needs to realise that you are the mother and what you say goes, and that goes for who babysits and when. If you're uncomfortable having her babysit then it shouldn't happen.

Mojisola

Poppyblue wrote: »

My OH would gladly visit less but I feel guilty as my parents see the baby most days (they are going to babysit when I go back to work) and push the issue for a visit. Maybe I am creating an expectation?

The passing around just upsets me as the moment I pass the baby over she is taken out of the room and out of my sight. I then hear her crying in another room and have to send my husband or go through myself to calm her down.

Your OH doesn't want to visit. Visits cause no end of stress to you. You push to visit more frequently. Does that make sense to you?

Your OH must be confused as well.

You are not magically going make the in-laws behave differently by visiting more often. Reduce the number of visits, ask your OH to be ready to jump in so that the baby doesn't get taken to another room and be ready to support you if anyone says anything nasty about you.

Pollycat

Poppyblue
I think you should perhaps take off your rose-coloured spectacles that are making you see your MIL as someone who you feel you ought to see (but don't really want to).

Follow your heart, follow your OH's lead and don't push to visit her.
She should earn your respect (it sounds like she hasn't and has no intention of wanting to do so) rather than being given it just because she is the Mother of your husband and the grandparent of your baby.

She is undermining you - don't let her.

PinkLipgloss

Ah the old "solids" issue - why is it that some people are obsessed with babies starting on solids before 6 months?

My son was healthy, happy and content. Yet I frequently got comments about such and such who is 1 week younger etc and already eating cereal etc. Apparently it was important as he was "a big baby" etc!

My son was breastfeeding regularly, sleeping well and his doctor was delighted with his height/weight progression. So long as I, my husband and the doctor were happy I was more than content to fully ignore such comments. Be prepared to do so yourself OP.

People will forever be prepared to get their bit in - have the confidence to shrug it off!

fluffnutter

Agree with Mojisola and Pollycat. In an ideal world your baby would spend time getting to know her grandparents... but not at the expense of your sanity. It's unforgivable for your MIL to undermine you and, seeing as your OH isn't too concerned about frequent visits, why are you bothering?

I think a sharp reality check might do your MIL a favour. Stop visiting for a while and see if her behaviour improves. Harsh but it might just stop things escalating.

Bennifred

Poppyblue wrote: »

..............................
My OH would gladly visit less but I feel guilty as my parents see the baby most days (they are going to babysit when I go back to work) and push the issue for a visit. ..................

Although you are probably doing all this visiting (of the in-laws, I mean) with the best of intentions, I think you should do it far less. Who benefits? Not you. Not your OH. And not your daughter either, because it upsets YOU. You are GIVING your mil the power to upset and undermine you. I'd be making the visits few and far between - but then I'm not as nice as you sound!

barbiedoll

Your OH and MIL argue a lot and have a "terrible" relationship? So he wouldn't be bothered if you didn't visit? I don't see why you should be the one to build bridges, if MIL wants to see her grandchild, then she is the one who will have to change her behaviour.

There is nothing odd about your concerns, if you've had a small baby, you have probably spent the past 5 months worrying about feeding anyway. You don't need MIL shoving solids down your baby before she is ready, and in any case, how you feed your child is your choice and yours alone, it has nothing to do with her.

The religious element is also one that will create a lot of problems in the future. If she sees your daughter regularly, you may find that she is indoctrinating her into MIL's religion on the quiet. My friend found out that her mother had arranged Catholic baptisms for her children, despite her stating that the children were to be bought up as atheists.

If I were you, I'd be restricting visits to monthly at best. Could you speak to MIL alone? Tell her exactly what you have told us and make it clear that the baby belongs to you and OH, you will not tolerate someone whispering in her ear, nor do you want her taken out of your sight unless you give permission. She will be fed according to your wishes, and she will definitely not be coming to MIL's home until you are satisfied that her needs will be met according to your instructions. Show her who is in charge of your baby and make it clear that it is not her!

fluffnutter

If someone gives my baby solids before I think he's ready I'll shoot them.

sooty&sweep

Hi

Does your MIL realise that her behaviour is unacceptable ? Is there anyone who you trust that she gets on with who could talk to her ?
It sounds like you want to have contact with your MiL and she obviously wants to have contact with you.

In terms of feeding the guidance does seem to keep changing on a regular basis. There is 5 years between my two and my eldest is nearly 12. When he was born the guidance was to introduce solids at four months when my daughter was born it had changed to six months. When I asked a female doctor about it she refused to comment because when her children were born it was three months ! My mum told me that when I was a baby it was normal to wean a baby on the runny yolk from a boiled egg, totally taboo these days !
I'm not trying to defend your MIL but older people do tend to think it was OK for mine and so why isn't it OK for yours ? Can you tell her that you've been told you MUST do these things by your Doctor ???

thatgirlsam

The whispering stuff is totally unnacceptable. I would not put up with this.

However, and I know I'm going against the grain here, I have 'put up' with certain behaviours from both my ex mil and my own mum.

Mainly because I do not see my children as my property (they are no-ones property, hopefully you know what I mean), they are part of a family. They are not just my children, but they are grandchildren, neices, nephews, cousins etc

Basically I am saying that within a family there will be behaviour that is different to mine and I have to accept that up to a certain point.

But the whispering bad things about you.. no way. That is mental abuse!