In the words of Yazz...

MuffinTops

Hello lovely,

I miss your updates .

I hope all is ok with you. If it is and you're just too busy to update then go you!

But you know you always have us and our unconditional support on here, so we'll all hopefully hear from you soon.

MT x

*Robin*

Dear Fudgie, hope you've just lost your internet or are away doing something much more fun than talking to us..
Thinking of you and looking for an update to this thread every day that I log-on (which is most days, lol).
((hugs))
Rxx

Fudgefund

Hello everyone

I'm deeply sorry for disappearing and I hope no one has been too concerned in my absence. I have had a weird few weeks which I haven't felt like documenting, and I've been very much in head in the sand mode. I pulled myself out about a week ago and I've been making life amends, however I planned to return here when I had a month under my belt so it seemed more like I hadn't just come here to whinge. The only person who knows I come here IRL alerted me to all your kind posts and I realised I had to come back and come clean.

I wound myself up into a tremendous tailspin about my life a few weeks ago, I had the possibility of taking voluntary redundancy weighing heavily on my mind, and I felt I needed the universe to offer me some direction. I telephoned my Mum to ask if I could come home for a few weeks to provide a base whilst I got a job/somewhere to live in London but she was very unsupportive. She can be quite a difficult woman - her logic was that if I moved back to the village I grew up in I would stay there, not get a job and dwell on things, which was never my intention. I felt really frustrated with her response and lack of faith and it ultimately put me off my plan of starting somewhere new, which I realise was quite pettish of me. The rest of my family were positive about my plans, but I couldn't get past my Mum's reaction, it made me want to stay out on the limb I've created for myself where I don't rely on anyone else (this is teenage, but that's families for you I think).

So, still casting around for this golden sign from the Universe, my next step was to ask my ex to meet me for lunch with a view to asking him to either give it another try or stop contacting me once and for all. To my inestimatable surprise, he agreed to give it another go, which I took to be the fated wink I was looking for. This has not been without it's problems however, it seems I developed selective amnesia whilst apart from him as I was so busy blaming myself for everything which had happened. I completely overlooked his glaring commitment issues which were a nightmare the first time and now I'm stuck once again with the same old problems. To be honest I think I'm going to be walking away extremely soon but I don't think it will be an entirely wasted effort as it has certainly reminded me that the person I pined for after my breakdown was certainly not the reality of the person, just some ghost I had created. I think I'm finding closure and a steely side I had long forgotten!

Throughout all this angst I was drinking too much and spending too much and I'm extremely embarrassed about all of it. I've given up alcohol for lent (which I'm 100% more likely to stick to) and I've not had a drink since 09/02/13. The money issues are worse, I've managed to incur bank charges of £16 on top of my usual OD interest so this month and last month my current account has been charged £42 a time. My credit card remains static at £2200, I've only paid the interest in the past month because I've had little money due to my irratic spending patterns. I've also got the additional problem that I paid for my Mum to go to a gig in Blackpool for Christmas and I'm paying for the hotel, so at the end of my pay month I've got to have £60 clear in my account as well as overdraft charges. This is going to take a serious amount of discipline on my part but there's no one I'd like to prove wrong more than my Mum so I know I can do it. :rotfl:

I'm going to be living on £60 a week for the next three weeks (thank heavens this is the shortest pay period of the year!). This should leave me with enough money in my account to cover the charges and the hotel and get me back on an even keel with my charges and moving forward positively with my credit card from next month. I really do feel back in control and happy to be sorting things out, so I'm taking advantage of the upswing. The washing machine in my shared house has broken so I've had a to navigate a laundrette for the first time in my life today. I was in a blind panic when the machine wouldn't turn on, was on the verge of phoning a friend when the door banged shut and off it went. If any of this was on CCTV you could probably make a fortune from You've Been Framed! I put £1 in the tumble dryer but was unwilling to fork out anymore so I lumbered back home with slightly wet clothes. It wasn't a total disaster but I truly hope a new washing machine turns up soon. I have £4.19 in my new change jar and that is all my news. Phew.

I will be back to posting regularly now. One final thing - I've gained three pounds which I want off pronto after all my posting about diets! Men always make me gain weight! Sods.

xx

Fudgefund

PS - I do rather like the idea of my scintillating humour Robin! Not sure that's entirely justified but it appeals to me nonetheless!

beanielou

Good to 'see' you.
So you are not taking the package then?

Fudgefund

Thanks Beanielou. I'm not taking the package, you're right. I just found the prospect of all that change so overwhelming it stopped feeling liberating and crossed right over to terrifying. It was a bit like the end of Billy Liar, all I had to do was buy a ticket to London and go, but I just lacked the bravery at this crucial moment. Back to the life of a Walter Mitty.

Since the closing date I have felt the odd twinge of regret but it's mostly relief that I don't have to consider it as an option anymore. The only slight annoyance is that my management team witheld making a series of deeply unpopular announcements pre-voluntary redundancy closing date so no one could leave. If they make many more I'll be considering constructive dismissal! Hope not, I could live without another bout of 'what's it all abouts'.

beanielou

You can only do what you think it right at a particular time & that's what you have done.

please-let-me-be-lucky

Glad to have you back . Sorry to hear you've faced some problems but overall it doesn't sound too bad. Perhaps you did get the sign from the universe, you just can't figure out where it will lead yet.

Maybe you needed to get back with the ex to see why you don't need to be with him if you see what I mean. Good for you giving up the drink for Lent too Xx

Fudgefund

You are dead right there Beanielou. Life is much like those adventure books you got if you were a child in the 80's, you picked one option and were directed to one page, you picked another option and were directed to a different page. Everytime a choice is made then you just follow another path and this is not a bad thing.

Thanks for the welcome back PLMBL, I think the Universe is keeping me on side at the moment, and that's good enough.

The return of the ex has certainly been an eye-opener. He's getting much shorter shrift in real life than he did when I was love lorn! :rotfl:

MuffinTops

Hello FF,

So good to see you back on here. I'm sorry that you felt life had thrown you a bit out of kilter but I think you did incredibly well with it all. Just have a little think back to maybe just a few short years ago to how you would have dealt with things then. You handled it like a lot of people would. I tend to "hide inside" when things are feeling bad for me, and it's my time to reflect with no outside influences and it genuinely sounds like you did just that.

You were also really decisive in that time. Contacting your ex and laying things down the way you did is an action you should be proud of. That takes lots of courage, no matter how nerve wracking it felt at the time.

The only thing I would say is things become a habit very quickly. If you have decided that your ex just isn't cutting it then the longer you hold on the harder it is to walk away. Habits are hard to break. I'm definitely not saying do something now and I'm not saying you should necessarily walk away. I'm just saying that you've come too far to start drifting along on a path you're not sure about.

I really hope that comes across as it's meant. I mean all of the above with support, respect and care for you. I can sometimes be a little too direct which can sound abrasive to others but I honestly don't mean to sound that way.:o

Well done on all of the good stuff.

MTx