Drowning!!!

ChopinonaBudget

tonibetha wrote: »

the car was a wedding present from my sympathetic parents, as i tried to save up for it forever but could never manage it.

Um, again, i dont mean to be blunt, but if you couldn't previously save up for a car on a NET income of £27,000, then I think your problems with financial planning and your lack of budgeting coping methods are more serious and ingrained than you suspect.

meer53

This post makes me soooo angry.

OP, i know you say you're depressed about whats happened in your life, but i find it really hard to have any sympathy whatsoever for you.

You have MASSIVE debts but you still think it's ok to treat yourself to make up ? You also seem to have a pretty warped idea about whats best for your daughter. I don't know who this counsellor is but i'd be worried about what they're saying if they say your daughter won't remember being farmed out to family in another country. What a load of !!!!!!!!.

My daughter was 2 when my ex left. I was off work for nearly 5 months with depression. There is no way on earth that i would have ever sent my daughter anywhere, and i think you'll find that applies to the majority of mothers. I had no family who i could ask for help either.

My job as her mother is to be there for her, regardless of how depressed i am or how little money i have. I needed her probably more than she needed me really. She gave me a reason to get up every day and a reason to carry on.

If you're depressed you should see your GP for help, not spend money on stuff to make you feel better about yourself. Especially money you don't have ! You should also see someone about your debt problems too.

To be honest, you seem to have a pretty warped idea about what family life is. Saying that a child of 2 needs MTV is ridiculous. A child of 2 needs it's mother, and father for that matter. I can't believe you haven't told her father that you've sent her away. Was it because you knew he'd be against it ?

My advice would be to put your daughter first, get her back home, sort out your debt, if it means selling the car, iphone, macbook etc then surely it has to be worth it ? And stop putting yourself first.

Read some of the other DFW diaries. Getting debt free is hard and sacrifices have to be made, but it can be done.

charlie3090

tonibetha wrote: »

i understand how u feel, however, i don't think buying lip gloss and hand cream (which i actually needed) makes me a bad person. i am trying to make a difference with my finances, but u must realise that my self-esteem is pretty low right now, and i am starting to build my wardrobe from scratch. i am hoping to fit everything i personally need into the £50 a week, but i should be able to spend it without being unduly criticised if i don't exceed the limit of £50 i have set for myself.

I would like to be able to be honest on this forum (that is why i am here), but being in debt doesn't mean i have to hide out indoors and look wretched (as i do now), it just means i have to be wiser about my spending.

I will continue to post, and be honest, and i will continue to appreciate your replies, but please remember that part of my goal is to find a way to regain my self-confidence and spend wisely while paying of my debts.

thank you

lip gloss £1.59 in superdrug,hand creams from 65p, both products also available in 99p stores/poundland(branded products),could have save a fiver just by this.

Shovel_Lad

tonibetha wrote: »

I did not get my ex's permission, he does not know, but then he hasn't shown any interest in her since February.

If he does ask, then i will let him know, she will be back soon enough. I do think he will be !!!!ed (that i did it without asking), but as he has not really been part of her life, he can't really blame me. he will understand once he has a think about it (he is quite passive, anyway). if he minds anything, it will be the money that he has to pay for her, not that she is gone

I think you need to proactively sort this out with your ex as soon as possible. I don't think you realise the seriousness of doing this without his permission.

As it stands, you have committed a serious criminal offence, specifically detailed in Part 1 Section 1 of the Child Abduction Act 1984: Offence of abduction of child by parent, etc. Below is a more "user friendly" explanation as taken from http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/TravelAndTransport/Passports/Applyingforaneworrenewedchildpassport/DG_174106

The law on taking a child out of the country

It is a crime for anyone 'connected with a child' under 16 to take or send that child out of the UK without 'appropriate consent'. This is set out in the Child Abduction Act 1984.


To explain:

• the people ‘connected with a child’ are the child’s parents, guardians and people with a residence order or who have parental responsibility
• ‘appropriate consent’ is the consent of the mother, the father (if he has parental responsibility), the guardian and anyone with a residence order or parental responsibility, or the leave (permission) of the court

Fathers and parental responsibility


In general, a child's father has automatic parental responsibility only if he is, or has been, married to the child's mother. However, a father also has parental responsibility if he jointly registered the birth with the child’s mother on or after:

• 15 April 2002 in Northern Ireland
• 1 December 2003 in England and Wales
• 4 May 2006 in Scotland

The father may also be granted parental responsibility by the court or by written agreement with the child’s mother.

If you don't want to speak with ex then you should seek professional legal advice immediately, you may regard ex as passive but he could cause an awful lot of trouble for you with a simple phone call.

I know it all sounds dramatic, but that is because it is, and the courts take it very seriously - the maximum penalty if convicted is 7 years imprisonment.

tonibetha

*Robin* wrote: »

Which strongly suggests your Mum was trying to get you to reconsider..

actually she thot it was a really good idea, and was there to reassure me it was for the best during my moments of self doubt

*Robin* wrote: »

Tonibetha, are you serious? No two year old child needs MTV, especially not every day!
In my personal opinion - as a Mum, step-mum, foster-mum and granny - it is very harmful to the development of pre-schoolers to actively encourage them to watch TV!
..Two-year-olds do need constant interaction with their carer; conversation and reading stories, playing together, doing puzzles, drawing / painting, and starting to develop life-skills (my kids joined in with cookery projects as soon as they could bash a potato masher into a bowl!).
If you are so keen on your DD learning to dance, attendance at a tumble-tots type group would be a much more beneficial foundation for dance-classes later.

couldn't afford the tumbletots thing....it is an option for next year. We did do all of the activities you listed, but dancing is by far her favourite activity, so i thot it best to nurture her love for it till she is old enough to decide

*Robin* wrote: »

This counsellor is a qualified child psychologist, is he? Even if DD is not left with concious memories [which is not certain], the betrayal caused by your absence - sorry but that's what it is - will leave scars.
Do you want "ok" for your daughter, or the best? ..It sounds like the counsellor was just trying to make you feel better - which is their job of course.
Rainbow Bridge is right; your daughter will always feel a very special attachment for whoever is her main carer over the next year..

i really hope for the best on this one. her main carer is my mum,the maid just does the physical stuff

*Robin* wrote: »

For goodness sake - you have me in tears for this poor little mite! She is better now that your pictures have been removed?
<Robin rendered temporarily speechless in sorrow >.

had me in tears too

*Robin* wrote: »

Tonibetha I also drew a breath when I saw your spend on make up. Ok I understand that nice lip gloss will give you confidence and make you feel a bit better - call it a treat or small reward for starting the journey to get your life sorted out - but hand cream? I bet it cost more than a huge tub of Aqueous Cream which would do the same job, and last much longer. It's time to start thinking about things like this. Every penny saved is a penny towards reducing the terribly high interest you're being charged on your debts - in a way you are burning money!

actually,i'm only paying interest on my overdraft at the moment (lots of 0% balance transfer deals which are due to end in the next few months.
i need the hand cream cos i work in a hospital and was my hands more than 20 times a day. as a result, they are so dry they are cracked and bleed sometimes. i actually wanted E45, but it was £3+, so i got vaseline which was £1.49. can't carry the big aqueous cream around with me during work

Thanks for your nice post

tonibetha

am at work (lunch break almost over), so will reply to the remaining questions as a collective

we are from west africa, this sort of thing is quite common there.

my ex is on a work permit dependent visa from when i was on a work permit holder (i have indefinite leave to remain and apply for my british citizenship soon)

i got makeup wipes, hand cream, lip gloss and lip liner for £7+, the lip gloss was £10.75 on its own, but i had coupons and discounts

There is no custody order in place so it is not abduction, my daughter has dual citizenship and has technically gone to her home country. if my ex upsets me enough that i have to move back home, he will have to leave too, so he is unlikely to do that (we are quite amicable and potile to each other, so i dont think he will be vindictive, anyway)

@meer: i am quite a good mum, but when ur baby gets a napkin to wipe away your tears on more than one occasion, then sometimes tough decisions have to be made.

i thank you all for taking an interest in my journey

Shovel_Lad

tonibetha wrote: »

There is no custody order in place so it is not abduction, my daughter has dual citizenship and has technically gone to her home country. if my ex upsets me enough that i have to move back home, he will have to leave too, so he is unlikely to do that (we are quite amicable and potile to each other, so i dont think he will be vindictive, anyway)

If you don't want to sort it out with him (and you say you are still "amicable", so this would be the best option) then I really think you need to seek legal advice. The law that you have broken is not dependent on there being a custody order. I think you need a suitably qualified person to explain your position to you.

Everything you have written leads to the conclusion that your ex has "Automatic Parental Responsibility" (married, father, etc). It does not matter who actually does the caring or even if the parent is continually absent. It is not something that is lost or you can take away from him.

tonibetha

i don't want to take it away from him. he knows that

tonibetha

to be honest, i don't really have any answers on this issue. I am hoping that by the time he asks for her, i can say she has gone on holiday, and he never really has to find out.

i'll just cross that bridge when i get to it (could be months away)

meer53

tonibetha wrote: »

am at work (lunch break almost over), so will reply to the remaining questions as a collective

we are from west africa, this sort of thing is quite common there.

my ex is on a work permit dependent visa from when i was on a work permit holder (i have indefinite leave to remain and apply for my british citizenship soon)

i got makeup wipes, hand cream, lip gloss and lip liner for £7+, the lip gloss was £10.75 on its own, but i had coupons and discounts

There is no custody order in place so it is not abduction, my daughter has dual citizenship and has technically gone to her home country. if my ex upsets me enough that i have to move back home, he will have to leave too, so he is unlikely to do that (we are quite amicable and potile to each other, so i dont think he will be vindictive, anyway)

@meer: i am quite a good mum, but when ur baby gets a napkin to wipe away your tears on more than one occasion, then sometimes tough decisions have to be made.

i thank you all for taking an interest in my journey

No one is questioning the fact that you love your daughter. My kids saw me in tears more times than i care to mention.

This is just my opinion, i really can't see how sending your daughter away is the right decision. It would break my heart.