Drowning!!!

chevalier

I think everything that can be said about your SOA has been said. I think the universal opinion is that you need to rethink how you are going to achieve eg new clothes etc.

One thing though the debts you have listed in your SOA, the ARE all YOURS aren't they? Or are any of them your ex's or joint debts?

If any of them are your ex's alone, then HE should be paying them not you.

good luck
chev

Betty_Crumble

this thread is breaking my heart, i though your daughter was going to be away a few months, well a few is not 10 to me. Why so long? why so specific? the way you have set out your plan means your situation wont be much different than it is now so i'm failing to see where your remedy is.

I have to go out, im not getting younger, and i would like to meet someone to have more kids with, so wouldnt help me to stay at home and use DD for entertainment

as for this ^ ^ like i said before I personally think you dont have your priorities in the right order. Having my daughter near me could lift me from the bowels of the earth and there is NOTHING i wouldn't do to keep her with me. If you are indeed in a dark place then you need to get some professional help. Thinking of having more kids should be on the back burner for now.

Betty_Crumble

Childcare/nursery....................... 310.6
Other child related expenses............ 400
Groceries etc. ......................... 156

where does the 310.60 go now your daughter is away?
2 adults, 1 child in our house, 3 lots of packed lunches and proper dinners and we only spend £30 pw so you could see to cutting this.

*Robin*

tonibetha wrote: »

i think leaving my cards home and trying to spend max £50 a week is a very small step, but for a spendthrift like me, it is a significant one.
I would call this a large, significant stride forward! ..But be warned, when those five tenners become four, then three, then two and suddenly only one left - and you realise you've got xxx expenses before the end of the week - it is a very frightening moment! Many of us try to deflect it by having as many No Spend Days and Low Spend Days as possible - each one of which is a reason to celebrate. :j

I only have one child DD2. She is my life and i send money for her school so that she will be happy and have other kids to play with.
Ah, sorry my mistake - I read DD2 as "Dear Daughter number Two" - learning that the child is actually only two years old just makes me want to shout everything I said earlier, even louder. At two years of age she needs her Mum much more than school and other kids to play with - now is the time she is learning language and gaining control of her body, but she still needs to relate to the world through her Mum in order to become a happy, confident child who is ready for the next steps of learning away from home and playing with other children.

I have been very depressed over the breakdown of my marriage and have not been the best company for her.
Of course it is upsetting when an adult relationship breaks down suddenly, and as I assume you are currently a long way from the home and family where you grew up, it's hardly surprising you are finding it a disturbing and depressing experience. Nevertheless, when your daughter was born you willingly took on responsibility for her welfare - she needs you to make the adult decisions which will determine her chances of success in her own life.

She is only gone till July 2013 (she left a couple of weeks ago).
What?! That is almost a year, not "a few months" - sorry again but I must urge you to rethink this decision as you are risking losing a close mother/daughter relationship for ever! If the maid understands children and comes to love the girl rather than seeing her as a job, she may well be able to help your daughter develop as she should - but that child will then shift all her mother-love feelings onto this woman after spending roughly a third of her life in the maid's care. Nothing you could do later would get back the daughter you sent away two weeks ago.

I have been miserable since she left but have skyped with her a few times and she looks really good and seems happy. She is a wonderful, happy child and i am usually a very involved mum.
Skype cannot replace the comfort of your arms cuddling your baby - she is still a baby and will be learning and changing so fast - any other solution to your problems would be preferable to depriving your child of your presence for this fleeting time; you will both miss so much that can never be regained.
Let us not forget that you are also depriving her of her other parent - as I presume your Ex is in the UK rather than wherever your parents live? Your daughter has the right to have both loving parents in her life - one of the hardest aspects of breaking up with a partner is maintaining the non-resident-parent's contact with their child[ren] at a time when emotions are running high and the adults' feelings are usually negative towards each other.

I know i might seem flimsy, but i have actually had no social life for the past two years as i cannot bring myself to leave DD when she is here (plus could not afford the extra childcare costs).
What you mean is that you have lost your pre-baby social life. That happens to us all when we become parents. I found it a shock too, but today there are so many parent-and-baby/toddler activities available that finding a new way to socialise is an awful lot easier than it used to be, even if money is tight.

I was too attached and did not think it was fair on her.
To be honest, it's your job to be attached, until your daughter is ready to lengthen the ties that bind you together, as she gains confidence to expand her world beyond you.

I send the money because I want to pay for my own child (not depending on anyone to do that). I hear her singing when i call and i know that she is happy. I do call every day.
I'd be surprised if she isn't coaxed to sing to you during these brief moments of contact when of course she is happy to see your face, even on a computer screen! I'd also be willing to bet all of your debts that she often cries because your arms are not there enfolding her safely - maybe your parents and the maid are not telling you about those heart-breaking times because they understand that you're feeling fragile at the moment? As you can tell, I'm standing up for your daughter here so have no such difficulty (but I'm very sorry if my words seem harsh).

I am only really starting to try going out (i am very reserved and prefer doing chores at home, this is part of why my marriage failed, the fun was missing).
Basing your life at home after the first baby arrives is absolutely normal. Maybe it's a shame you and your Ex didn't recognise the stresses of the inevitable changes earlier, when you could have sought support to get through the rocky patch together. Sadly too many marriages fail at this time; are you certain your relationship with DD's father is not salvageable?

I am aso just starting to try to shop for clothes ( i am clueless about clothes and hate shopping for them, its so intimidating).
I understand this feeling and happen to agree with you here - I hate clothes shopping for myself too. Funnily enough, going to charity shops gives me confidence - someone else thought everything on the racks was worth buying which makes it easier to envisage myself wearing these clothes. Hah - if I had £1 for every time I've fled from a high-street shop empty-handed after being totally defeated by displays of identical new garments, then I'd be wealthy enough not to need MSE! :rotfl: In fact one can often find lovely designer clobber for a fraction of the new price in some charity shops (the "great and good" pass on outfits to charity that have been featured in the press once too often, even if they've only been worn a couple of times - where I live, Oxfam is the favoured recipient).

part of the reason for the debt is that my flat was completely unfurnished when we moved in (still furnishing it slowly). I have most of the basics, but need the small items (eg curtains etc)
Pardon? You have a Macbook, an iphone and expensive car, yet your windows are devoid of curtains? Surely you can see what is wrong with that? As it's a rented flat, there's nothing wrong with getting curtains from Freecycle, Freagle or charity shops.

I have taken your advice on board and am also trying to do the money makeover on this website.
Well done for reacting so well to comments that in order to be honest, have not been the most sympathetic reaction you might have hoped for. Isn't it almost always the case that it's hard to see the true scale of one's problems because one is too close, living them? Internet forums such as MSE are a wonderful resource for getting a more balanced perspective on what is happening in one's life when problems appear insurmountable.

Please bear with me, i might be starting slowly, but i do intend to complete the journey.
You have made a very good start by posting your diary - you're no longer alone on your journey.

Tonibatha, you are obviously an educated and erudite woman. You have options. We can help you explore them, and offer our opinions - but the decisions are yours, to make the best life for your daughter and yourself - which you are certainly capable of doing once your confidence returns.
If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I can't help feeling a bit maternal towards you :lovethoug as it appears that a lot of responsibility has fallen on your shoulders before you were quite ready for it. Don't worry, now you have help to get through this dark time and find the brighter future you deserve.

tonibetha

Just got back from work.

So much mixed feedback. Still getting ribbed about my daughter. pls understand that it was not an easy decision to make. i did not even buy her ticket until a few days before they left (it was too hard). my mum even had to ask me if i was sure almost everyday bcos she could see how it was tearing at me. i even embarrassed my mum at the airport by refusing to let go of DD, they almost missed their flight.

The dates are specific bcos my mum comes from july to sept every year, so she was here for 6 weeks before taking DD. the singing is usually in the background (she goes silent when u hand the receiver to her). she loves singing and dancing, and part of the money is paying for cable there so she can watch mtv every day (dancing is both of our hobbies, she dances even when there is no music by singing to herself!).

I dissected the attachment syndrome before she left and spoke to a counsellor at work. i was told that as long as she is loved wherever she is, she will be ok, and she will not even remember.

I am depriving her of her dad a bit, but he has not really been part of her life. even tho we lived together, he was always out, and since i moved out, he has not seen her since february (he has now moved out of our old place, but he lived there for a while, and it is 5 mins walk from the childminder). he will probably not notice she is gone till he tries to see her on her birthday (she turns 2 on oc 21).

@Robin: your words were so kind. i am 32 . my parents have had to remove my pictures from display because at the beginning, she was just holding on to the pictures. but she seems better now. you are right, skype does not make up for anything (it actually makes it harder, my baby thinks she is watching a movie and doesn't respond, just smiles). she only says a few words anyway. she always called me both mummy and daddy, but she now says that to my parents, and i am trying not to let it hurt me too much. my plan is to get an au pair before she comes back (they are actually cheaper @ 300 per month). pls see some of my earlier posts for answers re: the iphone, macbook. i would love to salvage my relationship with my ex (my family are strongly against this), because i love him, and i don't believe in divorce. i'm still waiting to see how all this plays out.

Someone posted that my daughter won't be back. Yes, she will. i chose this year because this is the only time we can do this, she starts school here next year. I have already applied for this. my parents are aware that if i can't cope without her, then i will come and pick her (in fact, ive booked christmas off, just in case). I am having a hard time coping (the past two weeks have been hell, pple @ work are wondering what is going on, they don't know, but comment that i seem to be having some serious problems). but i know the pain will pass with time.

in my first posts, i intentionally tried to sound flimsy bcos i didnt want to get into the painful stuff. i do that a lot, unfortunately, in my real life.

tonibetha

Allowance for the week (Sun- sat) £50

Today's spend:

Phone card £5 (should last up to a week)
Lunch £2.55 (woke up late, couldnt make lunch)
Make up £7.31
Total spend for the day: £14.46

Remainder for the week: £35.54

tonibetha

was hoping to go to the cinema tomorrow (£3 with sky movies). will have to make it a no spend day

Heffi1

I am really struggling to find a positive for this thread, I am sure you are doing what you think is best for your child, but please stop for one moment and see how much you are spending on yourself before debt payments. You could clear a lot of the debt by selling some of your gadgets...

lilyp

I do agree with most of what has been said - you need to wake up, sell the car and gadgets and get your daughter back.

However I understand the newly single thing. When I broke up with my ex I got myself into all sorts of trouble spending on my new single life. Make up, new clothes to fit my new heartbreak diet body, dating websites, meals and drinks out all the time. I had loads of fun but I got myself into a ton of debt which I am going to be paying off for a long time.

However you are a mother. I am not. Surely being this little girls mother is the most important thing? She wont care if you look fabulous or if you have a boyfriend. All she wants is love and affection. She should be with you. Maybe if you still woke up to her everyday you would realise your priorities are wrong and selfish.

Allypops

Your expenses are more than your incomings BEFORE taking into account payments towards debts ( therefore you can't meet even the minimum payments without using the cards to meet other expenditure). This is why your debts are spiralling. Eventually, the credit will run out. Believe me, eventually credit limits stop going up, creditors start realising you're a risk and hike interest rates.

Once you have come to terms with the full seriousness of the situation, give National debtline, CCCS or Payplan a call. You could also complete CCCS's online debt remedy tool (it's anonymous) which will help you to see a way forward.

Good luck with everything.