Drowning!!!

Betty_Crumble

tonibetha wrote: »

Allowance for the week (Sun- sat) £50

Today's spend:

Phone card £5 (should last up to a week)
Lunch £2.55 (woke up late, couldnt make lunch)
Make up £7.31
Total spend for the day: £14.46

Remainder for the week: £35.54

I give up! I know we are all supposed to be nice on here but I've spent most of the day feeling desparately sad about this situation and to come back on and read that ^ ^ seriously? :mad: You dont have the money for this.
Whatever makes YOU happy I guess, but just remember this - it'd take FAR less than you think to make your DAUGHTER happy. I'm not going to comment on this thread anymore as I don't think I have anything of value to add. Good luck.

tonibetha

Betty_Crumble wrote: »

I give up! I know we are all supposed to be nice on here but I've spent most of the day feeling desparately sad about this situation and to come back on and read that ^ ^ seriously? :mad: You dont have the money for this.
Whatever makes YOU happy I guess, but just remember this - it'd take FAR less than you think to make your DAUGHTER happy. I'm not going to comment on this thread anymore as I don't think I have anything of value to add. Good luck.

i understand how u feel, however, i don't think buying lip gloss and hand cream (which i actually needed) makes me a bad person. i am trying to make a difference with my finances, but u must realise that my self-esteem is pretty low right now, and i am starting to build my wardrobe from scratch. i am hoping to fit everything i personally need into the £50 a week, but i should be able to spend it without being unduly criticised if i don't exceed the limit of £50 i have set for myself.

I would like to be able to be honest on this forum (that is why i am here), but being in debt doesn't mean i have to hide out indoors and look wretched (as i do now), it just means i have to be wiser about my spending.

I will continue to post, and be honest, and i will continue to appreciate your replies, but please remember that part of my goal is to find a way to regain my self-confidence and spend wisely while paying of my debts.

thank you

tonibetha

as today is a no-spend day, i'm heading to work with £5 (for emergencies) and no cards. Scary...

chevalier

Not to add a further spanner into the works, but you DID get written permission off your ex to send your child overseas? As I am pretty sure you have to do this if they are leaving UK jurisdiction....

Good luck with just taking a bit of cash to work. I too would be scared to do this. Almost like weaning yourself of a money drug!
chev

tonibetha

chevalier wrote: »

Not to add a further spanner into the works, but you DID get written permission off your ex to send your child overseas? As I am pretty sure you have to do this if they are leaving UK jurisdiction....

Good luck with just taking a bit of cash to work. I too would be scared to do this. Almost like weaning yourself of a money drug!
chev

Yeah, it is scary, but it is for the best.

I did not get my ex's permission, he does not know, but then he hasn't shown any interest in her since February.

If he does ask, then i will let him know, she will be back soon enough. I do think he will be !!!!ed (that i did it without asking), but as he has not really been part of her life, he can't really blame me. he will understand once he has a think about it (he is quite passive, anyway). if he minds anything, it will be the money that he has to pay for her, not that she is gone

*Robin*

tonibetha wrote: »

my mum even had to ask me if i was sure almost everyday

Which strongly suggests your Mum was trying to get you to reconsider..

tonibetha wrote: »

part of the money is paying for cable there so she can watch mtv every day

Tonibetha, are you serious? No two year old child needs MTV, especially not every day!
In my personal opinion - as a Mum, step-mum, foster-mum and granny - it is very harmful to the development of pre-schoolers to actively encourage them to watch TV!
..Two-year-olds do need constant interaction with their carer; conversation and reading stories, playing together, doing puzzles, drawing / painting, and starting to develop life-skills (my kids joined in with cookery projects as soon as they could bash a potato masher into a bowl!).
If you are so keen on your DD learning to dance, attendance at a tumble-tots type group would be a much more beneficial foundation for dance-classes later.

But having had another look at the interest rates being charged on your debts - you can't afford MTV or paid-for activities at the moment anyway. See Allypops post.

tonibetha wrote: »

I dissected the attachment syndrome before she left and spoke to a counsellor at work. i was told that as long as she is loved wherever she is, she will be ok, and she will not even remember.

This counsellor is a qualified child psychologist, is he? Even if DD is not left with concious memories [which is not certain], the betrayal caused by your absence - sorry but that's what it is - will leave scars.
Do you want "ok" for your daughter, or the best? ..It sounds like the counsellor was just trying to make you feel better - which is their job of course.
Rainbow Bridge is right; your daughter will always feel a very special attachment for whoever is her main carer over the next year.

tonibetha wrote: »

my parents have had to remove my pictures from display because at the beginning, she was just holding on to the pictures. but she seems better now

For goodness sake - you have me in tears for this poor little mite! She is better now that your pictures have been removed?
<Robin rendered temporarily speechless in sorrow >

tonibetha wrote: »

she starts school here next year. I have already applied for this.

Ah - is this as significant as it sounds, Tonibetha? All of yesterday I was puzzling over exactly what it is that you are trying to achieve by slogging along this hard path you've chosen for yourself and DD.

tonibetha wrote: »

I am having a hard time coping (the past two weeks have been hell, pple @ work are wondering what is going on, they don't know, but comment that i seem to be having some serious problems).

Is your work situation really such that you cannot tell your supervisor what is happening in your home life? You are risking your job if your employer doesn't know the reason for your work falling below par at the moment.

Tonibetha I also drew a breath when I saw your spend on make up. Ok I understand that nice lip gloss will give you confidence and make you feel a bit better - call it a treat or small reward for starting the journey to get your life sorted out - but hand cream? I bet it cost more than a huge tub of Aqueous Cream which would do the same job, and last much longer. It's time to start thinking about things like this. Every penny saved is a penny towards reducing the terribly high interest you're being charged on your debts - in a way you are burning money!

ChopinonaBudget

tonibetha wrote: »

i understand how u feel, however, i don't think buying lip gloss and hand cream (which i actually needed) makes me a bad person. i am trying to make a difference with my finances, but u must realise that my self-esteem is pretty low right now, and i am starting to build my wardrobe from scratch. i am hoping to fit everything i personally need into the £50 a week, but i should be able to spend it without being unduly criticised if i don't exceed the limit of £50 i have set for myself.

I would like to be able to be honest on this forum (that is why i am here), but being in debt doesn't mean i have to hide out indoors and look wretched (as i do now), it just means i have to be wiser about my spending.

I will continue to post, and be honest, and i will continue to appreciate your replies, but please remember that part of my goal is to find a way to regain my self-confidence and spend wisely while paying of my debts.

thank you

Nobody is saying you're a bad person, but I think what other posters are trying to get you to understand is that £7.31 you spent on make-up is £7.31 you literally don't have. You need to be looking for cheaper alternatives now, discount shops for make-up, Collection 2000, buy budget hand cream.

I understand that you have low self-esteem, but at the minute you don't have enough money to get through the month, let alone make minimum payments on your debts. When the worst happens, which it will, I can guarantee it, (unless you change the way you think about your "need" for a car, and your "need" for esteem boosting make-up), your self esteem will plummet as you will be having to deal with Debt Collection Agencies, Bailiffs, the whole 9 yards. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your priorities are in the wrong place.

You should be thinking about boosting your self-esteem by taking back control of your life, your finances, and ultimately your abilities to look after your daughter in the same home as yourself, not by buying make-up, or driving a nice car.

Please get yourself down to the CAB, or contact CCCS immediately (This Week!) as you really need to sort out this mess, and get your life back by starting to take back the control you have lost over your finances.

I wish you all the best, I do, and nobody on this board wishes to see you sink further into debt, that's why you have so many replies

But to get self-esteem, and become happier, you will need to crawl out of the financial pit you are in, and you can only do that by drastically changing the way you think.

*Robin*

chevalier wrote: »

Not to add a further spanner into the works, but you DID get written permission off your ex to send your child overseas? As I am pretty sure you have to do this if they are leaving UK jurisdiction....

tonibetha wrote: »

I did not get my ex's permission, he does not know, but then he hasn't shown any interest in her since February.

If he does ask, then i will let him know, she will be back soon enough. I do think he will be !!!!ed (that i did it without asking), but as he has not really been part of her life, he can't really blame me. he will understand once he has a think about it (he is quite passive, anyway). if he minds anything, it will be the money that he has to pay for her, not that she is gone

Ah - possibly Big Oops. Sorry Tonibetha, here are a couple of rather important questions for you:
Is your Ex-husband a British Citizen?
Has DD got a British Birth Certificate which names Ex as her father?

ChopinonaBudget

Just a thought, is your counsellor suggesting you spend money on yourself by buying "little treats" to boost your self-esteem?
I sincerely hope not If so, you need to have a serious discussion with him/her about their understanding of debt crisis and how he/she can help with your esteem problems without spending money.

cocalls

i'm wondering if th OP is from west Africa if so it's quite common for children to be reared by a relative for financial reasons (my half bro has an african mother)

I really feel for you tonibetha, you are taking small steps (well done on only taking £5 in today) but i do think you need to speak to CAB about your debt.