Outside advice... is this fair

FatVonD

daska wrote: »

at the moment she has that but with a child who's already done a full day at school. There's no scope for anything that can't be fitted in during that slot.

Did you actually read my post before you jumped on it? Here it is again:

I don't think the NRP having them every weekend is unreasonable if the RP isn't working and thus has the time after school with them but, when you find a job,OP, I think it's perfectly reasonable to then say 'okay, now I'm working I won't get to see DS after school each day so I'd like one day with him at the weekend. If you'd like to see him in the week to make the time up he'd love you to come over to take him to the cinema/for a pizza on Wednesday nights before dropping him back here.'

daska wrote: »

so when does the child get the the things I mentioned earlier?

Lots of children go back to each other's houses for tea after school, ie the kind of playdates that the OP is concerned her son may be missing out on.

daska wrote: »

the way you say it makes it sound as if 5*1 hour a day is an acceptable amount of contact for a week, and therefore an extra 3 hours with a tired kid is luxury.

I said nothing of the sort, stop trying to put words into my mouth to fit your agenda for a rant.

daska wrote: »

Please explain, why is it fair on the child to limit their time with the resident parent and her family to so little? To deny them day trips and sunday lunch with granny? What if he has a younger sibling? Do they get no time to get to know one another. If his mum's new partner works when does he get to know him? The OP has already said his dad won't take him to his classmates parties and he only plays with one other child every other weekend. Does that really sound fair on the child?

Once again, did you actually READ my post?

daska

FatVonD wrote: »

Did you actually read my post before you jumped on it? Here it is again:

I don't think the NRP having them every weekend is unreasonable if the RP isn't working and thus has the time after school with them but, when you find a job,OP, I think it's perfectly reasonable to then say 'okay, now I'm working I won't get to see DS after school each day so I'd like one day with him at the weekend. If you'd like to see him in the week to make the time up he'd love you to come over to take him to the cinema/for a pizza on Wednesday nights before dropping him back here.'

Lots of children go back to each other's houses for tea after school, ie the kind of playdates that the OP is concerned her son may be missing out on.

I said nothing of the sort, stop trying to put words into my mouth to fit your agenda for a rant.

Once again, did you actually READ my post?

I can't see that you've said anything different to what I've responded to. You think that it's ok for the child not to spend a single full day with the resident parent. I think differently and I have given a myriad of reasons why this is not in the child's best interest. If it were the NRP coming on here saying that their ex let them have unlimited contact but only after school I'd say exactly the same: it's the child's right to spend time with both his families and develop those relationships and that means giving them the opportunity to spend longer periods together. I've done both sides of the fence as RP and NRP and step-parent and I've seen the damage that can be done by insisting on such a lop-sided agreement. Once again, there is good reason why contact includes full weekends for both families, it's for the child's benefit.

stroodes

It's then that myself and my partner, who I try to keep out of this came up with the new arrangement of 1 weekend with me out of 3, ect.




This is my problem, your new partner should not be involved nor should his.

jen007

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

i didn't say you did - I was making a general point on the fact that the dad is saying he can't go to parties on 'his' weekends - but it's the child's weekends too. And parties only usually last 2 hours...they can still bond on the way there and back.

As an adult you do take the long term view - but stopping kids from going to parties and socialising can actually hamper THEIR relationships at school - which is just as important.

You nailed this bit on the head. My son is 7 and is very shy, very reluctant to play with children he doesn't know, and is selective with his friends at school (this could just be a gender/maturity thing however). When (very seldom...he hasn't seen my Mother in a month due to her working Mon-Fri) so his relationships with my family members is also non existant. He has a little cousin who is 4 who he barely knows.

jen007

stroodes wrote: »

It's then that myself and my partner, who I try to keep out of this came up with the new arrangement of 1 weekend with me out of 3, ect.




This is my problem, your new partner should not be involved nor should his.

I have tried to keep my partner out of things, but he came up with the 1 out of 3 idea after seeing how upset and stressed I was after the phone call from NRP and his partner.

I now do want to ask NRP to keep his partner ( of 4 years, child calls partner step mum) out of our situation, but feel I will be met with hostility, which i'm trying to keep to a bare minimum at the moment as my hair is literally falling out.

BitterAndTwisted

My own feeling is that the changes you are proposing are too many at once. I'd be trying to resolve the every weekend part without any of the other things until you really are in full-time work. Even if it's only the odd weekend here and there until the ex gets used to the idea. I'd be using the reason that it's important for him to be able to sustain friendships locally. Has the child expressed to his father how hard it is for him to have to miss out on these parties and get-togethers at the weekends?

daska

jen007 wrote: »

You nailed this bit on the head. My son is 7 and is very shy, very reluctant to play with children he doesn't know, and is selective with his friends at school (this could just be a gender/maturity thing however). When (very seldom...he hasn't seen my Mother in a month due to her working Mon-Fri) so his relationships with my family members is also non existant. He has a little cousin who is 4 who he barely knows.

And this is what I was trying to get at earlier. B&T has a good point that maybe it's just too much at once, but it's your son has a right to those relationships.

I hope your partner's involvement is that of support and advice and he isn't the one on the phone making suggestions to your ex?! I got a lecture from DS1's step-mum last week. They hadn't bothered to help him organise something that had a deadline of July and yet she felt compelled to criticise me for sorting it out. It didn't go down too well as you might imagine. I wasn't given that luxury with DSD when her dad fell ill, he couldn't cope with phonecalls so I had to deal with her mum, it wasn't a good situation at all.

jen007

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Has the child expressed to his father how hard it is for him to have to miss out on these parties and get-togethers at the weekends?

I do ask my son how he feels about going to Daddy's every weekend and he does say he doesn't like it due to not having any friends down there, and not being allowed out to play. He says "Daddy doesn't trust me with the road".

He also says he doesn't want to make his dad angry, which I do probe further...I am a qualified nursery nurse and do have training on 'open questioning' so I am VERY mindful not to put words into my sons mouth. Son has said in the past that daddy gets angry when our son talks about it.

I would like to try and sit down just me, NRP and son and get son to tell us both what he wants but can't see NRP agreeing to it OR insisting his fiance is there.
As I said in my last post, I try not to involve my partner and sometimes I feel NRP knows that and tag teams with his partner to bully me into things. (Like the phone call I recieved)

jen007

daska wrote: »

And this is what I was trying to get at earlier. B&T has a good point that maybe it's just too much at once, but it's your son has a right to those relationships.

I hope your partner's involvement is that of support and advice and he isn't the one on the phone making suggestions to your ex?!

No, partner suggested and I phoned NRP to propose the new arrangement.

daska

From what you've said I doubt you'd get a positive outcome from that meeting, even if he agreed to it. The chances are that your lad would not want to say anything that might upset either of you. And I'd be worried that you would end up being bullied into agreeing to continue with the status quo.

I would still suggest that you get some legal advice, if for no other reason than that you have the confidence of knowing that what you want is considered reasonable. And the solicitor may be able to suggest other courses of action. You could consider mediation, an independent mediator would not allow his fiancee to be present and wouldn't fall for his 'this is my legal right' routine.