Outside advice... is this fair

NewKittenHelp

I'm just wondering why he's paying that much maintenance when he has his child for longer than you do? If you take hours, not spent at school.

krlyr

The only thing I see as unfair on him (I think lots of it is a bit unfair on you, actually) is the having to call. As someone else said, why is this necessary if it's pre-arranged? My brother had an issue like this with his ex, she would only allow access if he called by around the Thursday of each week - but surely if he was having him every alternative weekend, why the need to confirm it? It's not like he wanted him at random weekends with no routine to it. It just comes across as an element of retaining control and having something to use against him - you may not intend it in that way but that's certainly how my brother's ex used it.

daska

fannyanna wrote: »

Sorry I'm probably being a bit slow on the uptake here but what do you mean? Confirmation that he is having your Son or specifics on what he is planning to do with your Son for the weekend?

So you currently do most of the travelling then because you take him to your ex (door to door) but your ex only brings him back to your local train station?

I disagree that the ex should do all the travelling (but I know others will disagree with me on this point ) but at the same time it's unfair that you're having to do the majority of the travelling. I think your ex should be returning your Son to your door and not just dropping him at the station. Alternatively you should just drop him at the station rather than taking him to the exes door. Obviously when I say dropping him off at the station I mean you meeting the ex there and handing your Son over (and vice versa) lol.

I understand this point completely. But I can also see this from the other side. Your ex would have to pay even more if he were to do all the travelling and that would be on top of the child maintenance he pays. So it's not unreasonable of him to apply for a variation in child maintenance. But as you said you could also get the maintenance changed because he'd be spending less time at the exes house.

I think this is unreasonable. At that age there is a birthday party nearly every weekend. Your ex would never see his Son.

I doubt that distance would be sufficient to get a variation and if he had a 'normal' level of contact he would be paying more anyway. So it's horses for courses.

jen007

fannyanna wrote: »

Sorry I'm probably being a bit slow on the uptake here but what do you mean? Confirmation that he is having your Son or specifics on what he is planning to do with your Son for the weekend?


So you currently do most of the travelling then because you take him to your ex (door to door) but your ex only brings him back to your local train station?

Well on the arrangement of NRP having our son every weekend, it was to arrange pick up/ drop off times and and who would be doing it (which 99.9 percent of the time was myself) I never ask him his weekend plans, but I do ask our son on his return if he had a good time and if he done anything fun.
As NRP works shifts, a continuous pick up and drop off is a bit unfeasable.

Yes, I currently do most of the travelling.

fannyanna

jen007 wrote: »

Well on the arrangement of NRP having our son every weekend, it was to arrange pick up/ drop off times and and who would be doing it (which 99.9 percent of the time was myself) I never ask him his weekend plans, but I do ask our son on his return if he had a good time and if he done anything fun.
As NRP works shifts, a continuous pick up and drop off is a bit unfeasable.

Yes, I currently do most of the travelling.

Well that seems reasonable to me then (other than you doing the majority of travelling).

jen007

krlyr wrote: »

The only thing I see as unfair on him (I think lots of it is a bit unfair on you, actually) is the having to call. As someone else said, why is this necessary if it's pre-arranged? My brother had an issue like this with his ex, she would only allow access if he called by around the Thursday of each week - but surely if he was having him every alternative weekend, why the need to confirm it? It's not like he wanted him at random weekends with no routine to it. It just comes across as an element of retaining control and having something to use against him - you may not intend it in that way but that's certainly how my brother's ex used it.

Until now [(I haven't stressed how new this arrangement is) NRP has has our son every weekend until 7/9/12 (the first weekend I had him as part of this new arrangement (1 week with me, 1 with NRP and so on), which he agreed to the 31/8)

Then last Friday he and his fiance hit me with a lot of stuff about how I don't care about his relationship with our son whilst on the phone. Which is untrue. I have never said he is a bad father, and I want our son to know his dad. But i also want our son to have memories of fun weekends he had with his school friends and mum.
It's then that myself and my partner, who I try to keep out of this came up with the new arrangement of 1 weekend with me out of 3, ect.


So it's only this weekend coming that we are trying this new arrangement. I want him to phone as he has a history of leaving things to the last minute. I can't honestly stress how much I am constantly having to chase him up about his access to his son.
NRP also works shifts, and I'll need to know what time he will be picking him up each week. He says he only gets these a week in advance, so he needs to phone me by the thursday to tell me these and what time he can pick up his son and not leave it to the friday,. He often leaves me sat twiddling my thumbs wondering and his son not knowing what time or if he is going to his dads or not.

jen007

Gigglepig wrote: »

If you don't want to cope with constant changes I think it is fair enough to draw up a schedule at the beginning of the school year that you both need to stick to. If if he can't make "his" days it it is not your problem, up to him to make the arrangements to cover (childcare, transport). Same for you.

What about offering every second weekend, and that you alternate who does the transport?

In addition, offer him to pick up son after school one weekday afternoon/evening and deliver him to you - it is down to him whether he'll change his work arrangements and get a driving license/car to make it possible!

Alternate/ split Christmas & school holidays.

These are all things that I did offer and I thought he was okay with until that Friday just past. As i've said in a more recent reply the fortnightly arrangement was only made on the 31/8/12 and started with a weekend with myself on the 7/9, then to NRP on the 14/9.
It was on this day that I phoned him and was met with abusive/swearing/emotional blackmail.

I offered the following him on the 31/8/12

A weekend on, a weekend off. (Bad wording) He picks up, I collect on the weekends he has him.
I also said he's more than welcome to come up during the week to take him out or on the weekends I have him, if he has something fun to do then he can come take him but only if our son does actually want to do it. But he told me that's pointless.
We already do alternate christmas' and share school holidays.

Then because of the phonecall on the 14/9/12 myself and my partner tried to think of something that he'd be happy with but would also suit my wants to spend time with our son at the weekend and allow him time to spend time with his school friends.

Bubby

Every other weekend is the norm and I can't see any reason why he can't agree to this, most judges will grant this as the norm unless there are specific reasons not to. I think you are very good travelling to pick up/drop off as this to me is the responsibility of the nrp unless the pwc moves away.

You need to be firm and tell him the new contact routine and why you feel it will benefit your son,if he doesn't like this then he is welcome to take you to court. If he really isn't the type to listen to what you say then perhaps a solicitor could write to him with the new contact arrangements?

There is being fair and then there is letting someone have everything their own way!

cazziebo

It's all so difficult and I think you're doing a great job in trying to sort out something acceptable for you, him and more importantly, your son. I'm not reading that your ex is taking responsibility for finding a solution - is he?

My ex had every weekend for a while, and I thought that was unfair. I worked long hours, and only had the non fun stuff to deal with i.e. getting out in the morning, bath and bed (which aren't fun when you're mindful of early starts next day). It also meant the children missed the Saturday morning activities locally - swim club, gymnastics and birthday parties. We got to a compromise where he had alternate weekends and would try to see the girls one week night for tea. We would make exceptions for special events like special friends birthdays or sunday school trips etc.

It is well worth persevering. My two now have a great relationship with their dad and he was a tremendous support during the nasty teenage years.

jen007

Bubby wrote: »

Every other weekend is the norm and I can't see any reason why he can't agree to this, most judges will grant this as the norm unless there are specific reasons not to. I think you are very good travelling to pick up/drop off as this to me is the responsibility of the nrp unless the pwc moves away.

You need to be firm and tell him the new contact routine and why you feel it will benefit your son,if he doesn't like this then he is welcome to take you to court. If he really isn't the type to listen to what you say then perhaps a solicitor could write to him with the new contact arrangements?

There is being fair and then there is letting someone have everything their own way!

I did move to where I am now, (25 mins drive away... 1 hour and a half by public transport - one way) as I was in a domestic violence situation with my Mothers husband. So I feel I was within my right to do this as I was escaping a very harmful situation.
There are no reasons for the courts to rule in the favour of NRP, I don't drink, don't smoke, against drug use. I'm a qualified nursery nurse (hence why once I find a job, god I hope I get something soon I will be working to 5 or 6 pm as that is the normal for the private sector. Public sector is too hard for me to get into in my area.)