Outside advice... is this fair

jen007

cazziebo wrote: »

It's all so difficult and I think you're doing a great job in trying to sort out something acceptable for you, him and more importantly, your son. I'm not reading that your ex is taking responsibility for finding a solution - is he?

My ex had every weekend for a while, and I thought that was unfair. I worked long hours, and only had the non fun stuff to deal with i.e. getting out in the morning, bath and bed (which aren't fun when you're mindful of early starts next day). It also meant the children missed the Saturday morning activities locally - swim club, gymnastics and birthday parties. We got to a compromise where he had alternate weekends and would try to see the girls one week night for tea. We would make exceptions for special events like special friends birthdays or sunday school trips etc.

It is well worth persevering. My two now have a great relationship with their dad and he was a tremendous support during the nasty teenage years.

His solution was threatening me with court action, which yes I am trying to avoid as he already told my step mother 'If she wants to make things awkward, I can make them awkward too'. I figure he'd make up lies and make it last as long as he could.
Also with court action, I know that say if I was late one day for picking our son up he would go to his solicitors and sing high and mighty about it and then I think i'd be in breach of the court? If i'm googling things right, that's what i've picked up.


You're way of saying things is exactly how I feel, when I do start working, I'm going to have no time to do anything with our son at night. If say I started work at 9 - 5, i'd need to put son into a breakfast club at 8:15 and after school until 6. His Dad doesn't live near by, so counting on childcare support from him just isn't an option. I'm trying to refrain from 'I know the type of guy he is' stuff and that but christ he doesn't even know what time his son comes out of school and has only picked him up twice since he started school and nursery (5 years in total) (Depending on his family is another matter also :mad:)
Some people have said why don't you let NRP become RP which I think is just a silly option.

NRP and I broke up before son was born. NRP disappeared for 2 months and said he was working in Dubai. He was actually just 15 mins drive away. No support for the first two years of sons life, or during pregnancy. Emotionally or financially.
I'm all our son knows, and I think it'd mess him up quite severely if I allowed NRP to become RP.

newcook

As you both have to get public transport can you not meet in the middle somewhere so that neither of you are traveling 3 hours?

Why does the maintenance get used up on public transport? Surely a bus ticket 1 day a week doesn’t cost £50?! I have a monthly bus pass that I can use anytime and day and that is just over £50.

I think you are being a little unfair trying to dictate to him that your son must attend every party and that ex must take him – what if ex already has something planned for them to do?!

Does your ex’s fiance work shifts or would she be able to help out with collecting so everyone knows all the time when your son will be collected

themull1

My ex has our two kids usually for a couple of hours on a Tuesday for their tea, and friday night to saturday tea time. Its flexible, sometimes he can't see them through the week because of his work. I never help with travelling, he uses his car to pick them up, i wouldn't dream of taking them over to his to save him coming for them,he drives, i don't. i'm a great believer of 'if he wants to see the kids he can pay for his own travel arrangements, and i'm not going to be out of pocket because of it, he pays exactly what the csa advises, less the overnight stays.

It works well for us, there's been no arguments. If i was in the op's position, i would expect the dad to come and collect his child and bring him back. And i would expect every other weekend, not every weekend - although it would be great to get rid of my kids for a full weekend!!

lazer

jen007 wrote: »

His solution was threatening me with court action, which yes I am trying to avoid as he already told my step mother 'If she wants to make things awkward, I can make them awkward too'. I figure he'd make up lies and make it last as long as he could.
Also with court action, I know that say if I was late one day for picking our son up he would go to his solicitors and sing high and mighty about it and then I think i'd be in breach of the court? If i'm googling things right, that's what i've picked up.


You're way of saying things is exactly how I feel, when I do start working, I'm going to have no time to do anything with our son at night. If say I started work at 9 - 5, i'd need to put son into a breakfast club at 8:15 and after school until 6. His Dad doesn't live near by, so counting on childcare support from him just isn't an option. I'm trying to refrain from 'I know the type of guy he is' stuff and that but christ he doesn't even know what time his son comes out of school and has only picked him up twice since he started school and nursery (5 years in total) (Depending on his family is another matter also :mad:)
Some people have said why don't you let NRP become RP which I think is just a silly option.

NRP and I broke up before son was born. NRP disappeared for 2 months and said he was working in Dubai. He was actually just 15 mins drive away. No support for the first two years of sons life, or during pregnancy. Emotionally or financially.
I'm all our son knows, and I think it'd mess him up quite severely if I allowed NRP to become RP.

That was me said it, it was more to make you think, you were claiming that you would have hardly any time with your child when you start work as you would only have him to put to bed, and that the NRP would have more time with him - If this was genuienly the case, you would want to swap places with him.

How would you feel if someone told you would have to wait 12 days (instead of 5) to see your son? I can see your view as well which is that you never get to spend days out with him etc, and that it affects his social life with parties etc.
TBH - I think there has to be a fair comprmise, which isn't every other weekend as this is not fair on the NRP - unless you are possibly prepared to let the NRP have your son for a greater share of the holidays?

1 weekend a month still means that he has to go 12 days without seeing his son, 12 days is a long time in a childs world.

I was trying to get you to look at it from his persepctive

daska

jen007 wrote: »

His solution was threatening me with court action, which yes I am trying to avoid as he already told my step mother 'If she wants to make things awkward, I can make them awkward too'. I figure he'd make up lies and make it last as long as he could.
Also with court action, I know that say if I was late one day for picking our son up he would go to his solicitors and sing high and mighty about it and then I think i'd be in breach of the court? If i'm googling things right, that's what i've picked up.


You're way of saying things is exactly how I feel, when I do start working, I'm going to have no time to do anything with our son at night. If say I started work at 9 - 5, i'd need to put son into a breakfast club at 8:15 and after school until 6. His Dad doesn't live near by, so counting on childcare support from him just isn't an option. I'm trying to refrain from 'I know the type of guy he is' stuff and that but christ he doesn't even know what time his son comes out of school and has only picked him up twice since he started school and nursery (5 years in total) (Depending on his family is another matter also :mad:)
Some people have said why don't you let NRP become RP which I think is just a silly option.

NRP and I broke up before son was born. NRP disappeared for 2 months and said he was working in Dubai. He was actually just 15 mins drive away. No support for the first two years of sons life, or during pregnancy. Emotionally or financially.
I'm all our son knows, and I think it'd mess him up quite severely if I allowed NRP to become RP.

He sounds so lovely :rotfl:

Despite what lazer says, there's a good reason the court's std is alternate weekends, especially at school age, it's because the child has the right to get to know the family they live with as well as the family they don't. It's the norm because it's what generally works best. There is no perfect solution, no ideal, and certainly not one that works in every situation. Yes 12 days between seeing your child/parent isn't perfect, but neither is only ever seeing the parent you live with when you're getting ready for school and going to bed. Both are distortions of what a child needs.

Your ex is a bully and he's responding to your very reasonable requests with unspecified threats based on very inaccurate claims that are unlikely to have come from any more authoritative source than his current drinking buddy.

So call his bluff. Take proper legal advice and act on it. If you're not working many hours at the moment then you may qualify for legal aid, ring them and find out 0845 345 4 345. If nothing else they'll be able to reassure you that what you suggested was reasonable.

My advice would be to get in there first. It never looks good if the NRP responds to an application for a contact order with a string of allegations they haven't previously acted on - the first question that CAFCASS would ask would be "why didn't you do something earlier, why have you waited until now?"

And yes, he can make things awkward, but I get the feeling you go too far out of your way to accommodate him because he threatens you? What kind of lesson are you teaching your child by letting him get away with it?

jen007

daska wrote: »

He sounds so lovely :rotfl:


So call his bluff. Take proper legal advice and act on it. If you're not working many hours at the moment then you may qualify for legal aid, ring them and find out 0845 345 4 345. If nothing else they'll be able to reassure you that what you suggested was reasonable.

Only one problem.... I live in Scotland.
It says England and Wales. Is there a Scottish alternative?

FBaby

I think you are perfectly right to be entitled to a week-end day with your son, and your son to have a day with you and his friend especially if you are going to be working full-time. However, I think the approach the situation is very controlling and can only lead to your ex being defensive. You need to agree to an arrangement TOGETHER, not telling him how it should be and expect him to agree.

The way I worked it out with my ex is that he gets the kids every Friday evening, with one week-end staying until Sunday morning and the other coming back Saturday evening. I moved 1/2 hour away from him, so the travelling is ALL up to me. I don't like it, I think that after 2 years and considering the fact that the move means they get to attend much better schools should mean that he should help, but he won't contemplate it. I can't be bothered to argue it. I do have friends in his town so do tend to arrange seeing them around picking the kids up.

We do operate some flexibility around the week-ends though as it is inevitable that things will get in the way of our arrangement at times. The key is to inform the other as soon as we know of the change. Overall, despite not really talking to each other, we have managed to overall make it work quite well.

daska

jen007 wrote: »

Only one problem.... I live in Scotland.
It says England and Wales. Is there a Scottish alternative?

http://www.slab.org.uk/

(It's not a good name LOL)

valkirn

Cant really add much to whats been said, but stop chasing him, you have the right to know what time he will be turning up/be in to collect his child from you.

If he cant be bothered to tell you he will be there/ be in at x time then its will be his loss.

I stopped chasing my ex regarding contact for our daughter and even made the point of being out when he turned up (after listening to his abuse for half an hour explaining how he had the right just to turn up when he liked) now he phones the night before, not ideal but it does give me a better idea of when he will be here.

RadoJo

Could you maybe suggest that he still sees your son every weekend, but on alternate weekends you split the days so that you get a day each with him. That way you are still getting two weekend days a month with your son but he still gets to see him every week.