Outside advice... is this fair

Seanymph

valkirn is completely right.

Don't chase, it makes conflict. If he phones in time lovely - if he doesnt' make plans. A few weekends of 'oh, as you hadn't phoned I told xxx's mum he could go to the party saturday, sorry, I'll keep next weekend totally free until Thursday in case you can let me know earlier' should do the trick.

He knows his shifts earlier than Thursday - it's just a power play.

I do, however agree with him seeing his child every weekend - or making evenings available, or say a Sunday - I too think 25 minutes is nothing, most people commute MUCH further than that daily for work.

If he doesn't get any other access and misses a weekend that is 12 days without any contact at all - which is too much to sustain that level of involvement necessary to make it a truly sustainable close relationship.

Whilst I empathise that your son misses parties - I think he'll miss his father more as he grows up - and that's a sacrifice children from seperated parents make routinely.

Sambucus_Nigra

Seanymph wrote: »

valkirn is completely right.

Don't chase, it makes conflict. If he phones in time lovely - if he doesnt' make plans. A few weekends of 'oh, as you hadn't phoned I told xxx's mum he could go to the party saturday, sorry, I'll keep next weekend totally free until Thursday in case you can let me know earlier' should do the trick.

He knows his shifts earlier than Thursday - it's just a power play.

I do, however agree with him seeing his child every weekend - or making evenings available, or say a Sunday - I too think 25 minutes is nothing, most people commute MUCH further than that daily for work.

If he doesn't get any other access and misses a weekend that is 12 days without any contact at all - which is too much to sustain that level of involvement necessary to make it a truly sustainable close relationship.

Whilst I empathise that your son misses parties - I think he'll miss his father more as he grows up - and that's a sacrifice children from seperated parents make routinely.

It's not 25 mins, it's an hour and a half as neither of them drive.

The other point I'd like to make; is that it's the child's weekend too - and if he wants to go to a party, then both parents should consider taking him.

daska

Seanymph wrote: »

valkirn is completely right.

Don't chase, it makes conflict. If he phones in time lovely - if he doesnt' make plans. A few weekends of 'oh, as you hadn't phoned I told xxx's mum he could go to the party saturday, sorry, I'll keep next weekend totally free until Thursday in case you can let me know earlier' should do the trick.

He knows his shifts earlier than Thursday - it's just a power play.

I do, however agree with him seeing his child every weekend - or making evenings available, or say a Sunday - I too think 25 minutes is nothing, most people commute MUCH further than that daily for work.

If he doesn't get any other access and misses a weekend that is 12 days without any contact at all - which is too much to sustain that level of involvement necessary to make it a truly sustainable close relationship.

Whilst I empathise that your son misses parties - I think he'll miss his father more as he grows up - and that's a sacrifice children from seperated parents make routinely.

I agree with a lot of what you say but:

if his father is working shifts and therefore can't be around every weekend and is leaving the child with his girlfriend anyway then he could be making the effort to spend time with his child during the week! And the OP should NOT be teaching her child that his father can get his own way by throwing a tantrum

As I said before: the children have rights, the parents have responsibilities. They are not the same. The OP seems to be taking her responsibilities very seriously, to the point of (to my mind) not actually considering her child's rights and needs quite seriously enough.

FWIW I read this situation as a case of the ex's reducing the actual cash paid and increasing costs/inconvenience probably being a matter of principle to him. And there can be no doubt that he is a bully and a badly informed one at that (complete with bar-room lawyer) if you take what the OP says at face value.

Seanymph

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

It's not 25 mins, it's an hour and a half as neither of them drive.

The other point I'd like to make; is that it's the child's weekend too - and if he wants to go to a party, then both parents should consider taking him.

I didn't say it wasn't the childs weekend - I said the instant gratification of a party won't be as important to him looking back in many years as a solid relationship with the NRP.

As an adult you take a long term view.

FatVonD

I don't think the NRP having them every weekend is unreasonable if the RP isn't working and thus has the time after school with them but, when you find a job,OP, I think it's perfectly reasonable to then say 'okay, now I'm working I won't get to see DS after school each day so I'd like one day with him at the weekend. If you'd like to see him in the week to make the time up he'd love you to come over to take him to the cinema/for a pizza on Wednesday nights before dropping him back here.'

I moved an hours drive from my DS's dad and he picks up and then I collect on the Sunday evening. For a time I did it both ways.

daska

FatVonD wrote: »

I don't think the NRP having them every weekend is unreasonable if the RP isn't working and thus has the time after school with them but, when you find a job,OP, I think it's perfectly reasonable to then say 'okay, now I'm working I won't get to see DS after school each day so I'd like one day with him at the weekend. If you'd like to see him in the week to make the time up he'd love you to come over to take him to the cinema/for a pizza on Wednesday nights before dropping him back here.'

I moved an hours drive from my DS's dad and he picks up and then I collect on the Sunday evening. For a time I did it both ways.

Time after school is often taken up with homework, supper, bath etc. When are they supposed to have days out? family events? trips to museums and shows? time in the park during daylight in the winter? time with their peers? The child has the right to time to develop a relationship with both his parents, and with his parents new families, and with their peers. The parents don't have a right to take that away, however hard done by they feel.

RadoJo

Seanymph wrote: »

I didn't say it wasn't the childs weekend - I said the instant gratification of a party won't be as important to him looking back in many years as a solid relationship with the NRP.

As an adult you take a long term view.

If the child feels that their relationship with either parent comes at the expense of enjoying the weekend activities that they are interested in, then that relationship will suffer anyway. I always had to forgo time with friends to see my father and it certainly damaged our relationship.

FatVonD

daska wrote: »

Time after school is often taken up with homework, supper, bath etc. When are they supposed to have days out? family events? trips to museums and shows? time in the park during daylight in the winter? time with their peers? The child has the right to time to develop a relationship with both his parents, and with his parents new families, and with their peers. The parents don't have a right to take that away, however hard done by they feel.

Once the OP starts working full time she will still be having to fit in homework/supper/bedtime after she arrives home after 6pm so at the moment she has an extra 3 hours with her son.

daska

FatVonD wrote: »

Once the OP starts working full time she will still be having to fit in homework/supper/bedtime after she arrives home after 6pm so at the moment she has an extra 3 hours with her son.

at the moment she has that but with a child who's already done a full day at school. There's no scope for anything that can't be fitted in during that slot.

so when does the child get the the things I mentioned earlier?

the way you say it makes it sound as if 5*1 hour a day is an acceptable amount of contact for a week, and therefore an extra 3 hours with a tired kid is luxury. It's not. If she were the NRP would you tell her she should be happy with an hour getting their son dressed and to school and and hour getting him fed, changed and into bed? No, you reckon the NRP needs every weekend where they get two full days that they can use as they please.

Please explain, why is it fair on the child to limit their time with the resident parent and her family to so little? To deny them day trips and sunday lunch with granny? What if he has a younger sibling? Do they get no time to get to know one another. If his mum's new partner works when does he get to know him? The OP has already said his dad won't take him to his classmates parties and he only plays with one other child every other weekend. Does that really sound fair on the child?

I actually know someone who had that kind of contact order imposed on him when he was a child, he's now 50+. He grew to hate his dad because he was never allowed to spend time at home or with his schoolfriends because the court said he had to go and stay with his father every weekend. In fact he hated him so much that he cut all contact when he was in his mid-twenties. But his relationship with his mother suffered too. She had no financial support so had no option but to work full time so he barely knew her. It was very damaging. (our mother's were at college together when his fell pregnant so I saw this develop)

Sambucus_Nigra

Seanymph wrote: »

I didn't say it wasn't the childs weekend - I said the instant gratification of a party won't be as important to him looking back in many years as a solid relationship with the NRP.

As an adult you take a long term view.

i didn't say you did - I was making a general point on the fact that the dad is saying he can't go to parties on 'his' weekends - but it's the child's weekends too. And parties only usually last 2 hours...they can still bond on the way there and back.

As an adult you do take the long term view - but stopping kids from going to parties and socialising can actually hamper THEIR relationships at school - which is just as important.