Am I being selfish?

VICKITREASURE

Hi everyone!
I'm new to this board so please be gentle with me!
I am worried that I am being selfish about an issue that my hubby and I have at the moment and I would really appreciate any help or thoughts on it.

When we met 7 years ago my husband had a motorbike, not a little bike, a blooming great beast of a thing!
Back then when we were courting we used to enjoy going out on it together and he also used to go off on his own for a ride.
Well we got married and along came our precious son ( we are older parents! I was 42 when he was born)
As soon we discovered I was preggers, hubby decided to sell the bke partly for the money and partly because as he said he wouldnt have time for it.
Well here we are 5 years later and his friend has just bought a bike and he and hubby are discussing bikes again.
I am distraught at the thought of him getting another bike and am unsure whether I am being irrational and selfish.
I am sooooo worried about him having an accident ( he has had a couple in the past) all my worries and fears have magnified since we have had our little boy. He needs his Daddy in one piece and I need him too.
We run a business together and it is quite physical so any accidents could finish us.
I hadn't mentioned any of this until last night when he looked at me and said " I am thinking about getting a bike again and I can sense that you are not happy about it. If its a problem of course I won't get one"
Well I feel horrible now! I told him that I was worried about accidents and he reassured me that he would be fine, but I can't help how I feel.
On one hand I want him to have his pleasure and enjoyment of a bike again, to go on Sunday rides with his mates etc but I know I will be in a right state every time he goes out on it.
I don't ever want to go on a bike again, I would worry for myself too!
He is a bit of a speed freak to be honest and the bikes he has been looking at are very fast big machines.
Now I've written this down it really does seem as if I am being a selfish cow.
Please tell me what you think, I am going mad here!
Sorry post was a bit rambling. Xxx

Tiddlywinks

Firstly - life is full of dangers... if your business is that fragile then you need to sort out adequate insurance to cover any illness / injury or worse.

I know loads of guys that have gone back to bikes... it's been a past passion and they just want to regain some of it to prove that they can still have some fun - why not?

People die on the golf course - hit by lightning, stray balls or having heart attacks or whatever ... they break bones playing footie, drown whilst swimming etc. Nothing is without risk.

Even everyday activities can be dangerous as you can't be in control of everything all of the time - the drink driver, the mugger, a fire or whatever.

Try to stop worrying or life will pass you by without you actually living and appreciating it.

VICKITREASURE

Thanks Tiddleywinks, All that makes perfect sense of course.
So yes, I guess I am being irrational and selfish, I'm going to have to get my head around this I suppose.
Since having our son life seems so much more dangerous and I worry for him. This is just another one of those I think.

sweaty_betty

I have a slightly different opinion to tiddliwinks (although I do appreciate where she's coming from).

Since having my LO I am hypersensitive to all sorts of risks, because I can't bear the thought of him growing up without one/both of his parents, so I think I understand your concerns.

I know that people can get killed/injured in many other ways, but motorcycling is pretty dangerous - not just down to the motorcyclist but largely down to other road users (and there's not a great deal within your control with them). I've known a fair few people die from motorcycle crashes, the majority of them have been sensible, experienced riders who were hit by car drivers not paying full attention. You can do things like always wear decent, protective clothes etc, but that can only help so much. I'm sorry if this sounds like scaremongering, it's just my experience.

My personal view is that I would ask my OH to hold off from getting another motorbike until your son is a bit older - try to reach a bit of a compromise, not wait until he's 30 or something! - and explain why. Hopefully he'll understand your concerns. Life/critical illness insurance is all very well, but it's no substitute for having your dad around should the worst happen.

gibson123

Vicki we all get a bit more worried when kids come along, but it is really important we don't pass on our fears to our kids.

Being an ex-biker, I think your OH should go ahead and get a bike, you will probably find that

a. Your OH will be extra careful on his bike.
b. It will be a 5 minute wonder.

Both my brothers have bought bikes again later in life and they turned into fair weather bikers, and then the bike sits in the garage and gets a polish and a wee run in the country a couple of times each summer.

life is dangerous, you need to just make sure you have good insurance and a plan b.

anguk

My uncle had a bike when he was young, got rid of it when he married then got another one when he was about 50. But he waited until his kids were a little older and he is a bit of a fair weather biker, he goes away on biking weekends etc but it's about being with friends and enjoying the ride.

The thing that would worry me about your husband is the fact you say he's a bit of a speed freak and he's looking at fast bikes, my uncle's bike is big but it's more like a touring bike rather than a fast one if you know what I mean?

You can't really stop him from getting a bike and for some people it is in the blood but I'd make sure that he's well insured just in case something happens. I know it won't stop you worrying but at least the practicalities and finances would be covered if he did have an accident and couldn't work.

As others have pointed out there's risks with anything, you just have to make sure you're prepared for those risks.

BitterAndTwisted

In my opinion you are not being irrational. Not only do you have the future welfare of your child to consider there's also your business being dependent on his ability to contribute to it.

He's already said "I am thinking about getting a bike again and I can sense that you are not happy about it. If it's a problem of course I won't get one" and it obviously is a problem for you. That's not a purely selfish position to my mind, it's an entirely realistic and rational one. Bikes are dangerous and the danger isn't always because of the rider or anything they choose to do when on one.

Agree to revisit this again at some point in the future once you've built up your business and got the appropriate "key workers" insurance or whatever it's called.

Molly41

Sorry but Im going to be harsh - "Little boys (or grown men) and their toys " comes to mind.

It is a risk to ride a motorbike especially when you are a speed freak. Your husband has responsibilities and if it were mine the air would be blue for even suggesting it. You are not being selfish in my opinion.

Shepherd1

Hi

You are exactly in the same position I was husband sold his fireblade when our daughter was born 9 years ago, two years ago he bought a gsxr. He has just bought a bandit as the gsxr was too uncomfortable for him, he rides all the time even to work.

I do worry and I won't go out on a bike now, he is carefull and has never had an accident but its other drivers I worry about.

I do understand your worries but bikes are my husbands passion and when you are a parent it think it is still important to have your own interests and identity. I know my husband would be miserable without his bike.

arbroath_lass

After five years I'd insist he takes some refresher lessons before he even looks at bikes. You might find he doesn't like it any more.

Otherwise it's between the two of you to sort out.

Both my OH and I ride. He uses his every day whereas I am definitely the fair weather sort of biker. We're both 42. My OH has ridden bikes far longer than me but I think age and responsibility has calmed him down a lot.

VICKITREASURE

Wow!!!
So many fantastic replies, thank you so much.
Lots of very interesting points made, some I hadn't even thought about.
I'm going to sit down tonight and calmly tell him how I feel and see how he takes it!
I still don't want him to get one, but now I can express the reasons a little more clearly without sounding like a neurotic troll and bursting into tears.
Thank you lovely people. Xxx