Ex picking up children query

tescovaluecrisps

DUTR wrote: »

The original post reads"My friend split from her ex a couple of years ago and moved 100 miles away from him with the children (1 school age, 1 pre school) to live with her parents as she needed the emotional and financial support."

However it does not matter who left who does it? the consequences are still the same.

I'm just putting myself in her shoes. Her husband leaves her, moves in with another woman. She then cannot afford her family home so has to move out. Meanwhile husband is fine and has moved in with his new woman and is playing happy families. She then has to move away from where she has lived with her family and maybe some of her friends, to move back in with her mum and dad. She can't afford a place to live and going back to live with your parents can't be easy especially when you have kids. Meanwhile hubby is still ok living with new woman. She then takes care of her kids for 2 weeks at a time good times and bad all this while recovering from a break up and her whole life changing. Which was none of her doing. He only sees the kids every other weekend. Do you know I really wouldn't feel like driving 100 miles for him. She is not saying that he can't see the kids but he doesn't seem to be putting that much effort in to see them. But I should imagine he is a bit too busy seeing too his new bird :eek: If he was that bothered about his kids he shouldn't have left. If he wants the kids to have a relationship with him he needs to put in the effort.

NewKittenHelp

tescovaluecrisps wrote: »

I'm just putting myself in her shoes. Her husband leaves her, moves in with another woman. She then cannot afford her family home so has to move out. Meanwhile husband is fine and has moved in with his new woman and is playing happy families. She then has to move away from where she has lived with her family and maybe some of her friends, to move back in with her mum and dad. She can't afford a place to live and going back to live with your parents can't be easy especially when you have kids. Meanwhile hubby is still ok living with new woman. She then takes care of her kids for 2 weeks at a time good times and bad all this while recovering from a break up and her whole life changing. Which was none of her doing. He only sees the kids every other weekend. Do you know I really wouldn't feel like driving 100 miles for him. She is not saying that he can't see the kids but he doesn't seem to be putting that much effort in to see them. But I should imagine he is a bit too busy seeing too his new bird :eek: If he was that bothered about his kids he shouldn't have left. If he wants the kids to have a relationship with him he needs to put in the effort.

He's working to give her ten grand plus. And he's funding her home so she doesn't have to. Both of which you conveniently ignored.

We don't know why the relationship broke down, we just know that it did. I've yet to see a single adult relationship break up be the fault of solely one person.

And you miss one crucial point - she chose to move 100 miles away. She didn't have to move all that way. She chose to so she could live off of mummy and daddy. So she's living with her parents, off them, off benefits and off her ex-husband. But she can't afford fuel for once fortnight to ensure that the children have fair access to their dad. The dad who's paying far in excess of what it actually costs to raise two children.

DUTR

tescovaluecrisps wrote: »

I'm just putting myself in her shoes. Her husband leaves her, moves in with another woman. She then cannot afford her family home so has to move out. Meanwhile husband is fine and has moved in with his new woman and is playing happy families. She then has to move away from where she has lived with her family and maybe some of her friends, to move back in with her mum and dad. She can't afford a place to live and going back to live with your parents can't be easy especially when you have kids. Meanwhile hubby is still ok living with new woman. She then takes care of her kids for 2 weeks at a time good times and bad all this while recovering from a break up and her whole life changing. Which was none of her doing. He only sees the kids every other weekend. Do you know I really wouldn't feel like driving 100 miles for him. She is not saying that he can't see the kids but he doesn't seem to be putting that much effort in to see them. But I should imagine he is a bit too busy seeing too his new bird :eek: If he was that bothered about his kids he shouldn't have left. If he wants the kids to have a relationship with him he needs to put in the effort.

As said, we don't know why they split, and I'm sure your partner will tell you, he is not going to leave you, especially whilst everything is ok at home, at the end of the day they have children and if he didn't bother with seeing the children then you would still pass negative views on that. But as said in the earlier post the consequences are still the same, whilst I don't know the friend in question, I would still question the ethics of that person recession or not, want more disposable income , then work for it, don't sit around expecting handouts from various sources. Both parents have to share the financial burden whether he she ran off, it does not matter.

clearingout

how is she getting £10k a year from her ex? If he earns £50 that will be before tax and maintenance is an after deductions calculation (assuming he's paying at CSA rates or thereabouts?).

And he's not funding her a house if she's living with her parents, is he?

It can be dreadful trying to recover from a situation such as has been described here. 'Fault' for moving no doubt lies on both sides - it can simply be the case that once a couple splits, it is impossible to maintain the family home and/or maintain a big enough home in the area the family once lived - this is certainly what happened to me and with all the best will in the world, there was no way I could afford to continue living in the south east on one wage. However, I did accept that if I was going to move a distance away, I was going to be responsible for doing at least half the travel. It is the only fair way, whichever side of the fence you sit on.

NewKittenHelp

clearingout wrote: »

how is she getting £10k a year from her ex? If he earns £50 that will be before tax and maintenance is an after deductions calculation (assuming he's paying at CSA rates or thereabouts?).

In excess of £50k, and how do you know that's after tax? The OP doesn't say it's after tax.

clearingout wrote: »

And he's not funding her a house if she's living with her parents, is he?

So I wonder why the OP said that he is. The fact is that she isn't paying a penny. He is, her parents are and we all are.

tescovaluecrisps

NewKittenHelp wrote: »

He's working to give her ten grand plus. And he's funding her home so she doesn't have to. Both of which you conveniently ignored.

Sorry I must have missed the post where he is giving her ten grand. He's funding her home? She lives with her mum and dad:)

We don't know why the relationship broke down, we just know that it did. I've yet to see a single adult relationship break up be the fault of solely one person.

It says in an earlier post he left her to live with another woman:)

And you miss one crucial point - she chose to move 100 miles away.
If she can't afford a house or a mortgage what is she meant to do live on the streets with two kids when help is available.

She didn't have to move all that way.
Why should she stay near him just to make life easy for him?

She chose to so she could live off of mummy and daddy. So she's living with her parents, off them, off benefits and off her ex-husband.
If she had all this money coming in she wouldn't be able to claim much anyway.

But she can't afford fuel for once fortnight to ensure that the children have fair access to their dad. The dad who's paying far in excess of what it actually costs to raise two children.

You sound a bit obsessed with money here as long as he is giving her money she should do what he wants. He could move nearer his kids he doesnt have to stay where he is. She is looking after them 2 weeks at a time but that doesn't count cause there are no £££ signs attatched to that. If my kids didn't live with me I would be there as much as possible because I love my kids

tescovaluecrisps

DUTR wrote: »

As said, we don't know why they split, and I'm sure your partner will tell you, he is not going to leave you, especially whilst everything is ok at home, at the end of the day they have children and if he didn't bother with seeing the children then you would still pass negative views on that. But as said in the earlier post the consequences are still the same, whilst I don't know the friend in question, I would still question the ethics of that person recession or not, want more disposable income , then work for it, don't sit around expecting handouts from various sources. Both parents have to share the financial burden whether he she ran off, it does not matter.

I agree both should work I don't believe that people should live on benifits and I have never said that I have! It is still his responsability to maintain the relationship with his kids not there mums. Why are you bringing my husband into it? I'm alright jack.:)

DUTR

tescovaluecrisps wrote: »

I agree both should work I don't believe that people should live on benifits and I have never said that I have! It is still his responsability to maintain the relationship with his kids not there mums. Why are you bringing my husband into it? I'm alright jack.:)

I'm bringing your partner into this because, he will tell you he is not going to leave you for no reason whatsoever, in the original post, the way it is harboured that the husband has left, as a bloke I know if everything is all right at homne then he ain't gonna stray, the woman has to put effort into the relationship too, and as proven, blokes anint gonna remain in a relationship just because of the kids.
I'm all right jack too, I won't do the round trip to visit kids,I pay I go. :cool:

balletshoes

clearingout wrote: »

how is she getting £10k a year from her ex? If he earns £50 that will be before tax and maintenance is an after deductions calculation (assuming he's paying at CSA rates or thereabouts?).

And he's not funding her a house if she's living with her parents, is he?

It can be dreadful trying to recover from a situation such as has been described here. 'Fault' for moving no doubt lies on both sides - it can simply be the case that once a couple splits, it is impossible to maintain the family home and/or maintain a big enough home in the area the family once lived - this is certainly what happened to me and with all the best will in the world, there was no way I could afford to continue living in the south east on one wage. However, I did accept that if I was going to move a distance away, I was going to be responsible for doing at least half the travel. It is the only fair way, whichever side of the fence you sit on.

From what I've read of the OP's posts on this thread, they haven't gone through the CSA, what the ex pays for maintenance has been sorted out privately. Same with access, thats not formal either. The OP did post this -

ginsterman wrote: »

She moved away to be with her parents to cut down on accomodation costs while she got herself sorted, she is getting a part time job. The ex will be providing a home for her and the children.

so yes, the ex is going to be funding her new home apparently.

balletshoes

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

No she does not have to meet him but........

What if she does not and then he gets difficult..

The children see less of their father or do not seem him at all.

Serves him right you say.....

Who suffers the most in all of this THE CHILDREN.

exactly - the kids get stuck in the middle of a tug of war, and no-one wins (and the kids lose out).